Last Night

On a whim, I wrote a short story of about 5700 words. I'm not trying to sell it at all, just did it for fun. The link is right here. You can share it all you want. Enjoy.

No Cheers or Fanfair

Buy Rumbling Heart @ Barnes and Noble

Today, a dream that I've dreamed since I was young finally came to fruition. I have , on my own, written, edited, and released a book, completely of my own creation. While I admit I am not Hemingway when it comes to writing novels, I would like to think he would have looked over my book, gave it a good once over and said to me "That a decent start, kid. Keep writing." Unfortunately, Ernest isn't alive to give me such positive feedback, so I am having to look elsewhere for readers and honest opinions.

I know I'm not some amazing writer who is going to change the world. Hell, I may not even make you think twice about rereading my book once you have it in your possession, but I hope I can at least entertain you and stimulate your mind, if even for just a few nights while you make it through my novel. I've spent countless hours and many late nights working on the words and the text and the idea behind my work just so I can make it as perfect as I can just so I can release and look at it and tell myself that I did it. I really did it.

I cannot say how many times I've broken down in tears while writing and editing this book as many of the supposedly fictional scenes do have real life events intertwined in them, many of which I would rather forget, but for reasons I cannot understand, never seem to leave my thoughts.

I am sick and I know I am. That shouldn't keep me from leaving a mark on this world though. I keep telling myself every single time I wake in the morning that I should give it at least one more go around, just one more try. Just one more try before I cash in my chips. Just one more try before I call off the search. Just one one more try before I hear my exit music begin to play.

I am putting a lot on the line here and I am done hiding behind a fake smile and false positive emotions. I hide it all from everyone, even my family. They see me and they think I am ok, when I know I am not. For all I know, maybe they know I'm not ok and that's why they keep me around. I still cannot shake those events from December of 2009 and it haunts me every single day. It will always haunt me, but it will not define me. I want to leave a mark, a legacy before it's all said and done with. With these characters I've created, I hope to do just that.

John, Olivia, Emily, The Chris's, Donna, Stella, Paul, Audrey...they are all a part of me in ways many of you will never understand. While they all, within my work, define what it is to be human, they also show us a side which I wish we could all live up to. While we move through our daily routines and go to our jobs, raise our children, go to our schools, we all, if even for a short moment in time, wish we could be the best person we could possibly be. We all wish the person we were at our best would never leave. We all wish to be the greatest parents to our children. We all wish to be the children that we know would make our parents proud. We all wish to be the husbands and wives, girlfriends and boyfriends that our partners have always wanted. We all wish to be the best friends we could be, letting our friends know that they could come to us for anything and at anytime and never be judged. However, we all know that this isn't how the world really works.

In the real world, we seem to casually wade through our lives, looking out only for ourselves and never looking back to see the people that we've stepped over to get to our final destination. While some of you read this, you all will surely say to yourself "Well, I've never done that...," but sadly, we all have. We get angry over things that do not matter. We sweat the small stuff. We yell at our kids and our friends and our spouses. People lose their jobs and are forced out of school. Parent's abandon their kids and children disappoint their parents. Our friends get into that car even though we know they've had to much to drink, and yes...sometimes our friends lose control of their car and destroy a family on New Year's Eve.

It's been said that we are the sum of all the people we've ever known in our lives and maybe that's why I am still going. Maybe that's why I'm still writing. Although I cannot remember many things from my childhood, there is still something pushing me to write and to speak and to talk about what I cannot recall. Maybe this was the way it was supposed to be. Maybe I was supposed to die when I was a child. Maybe I was supposed to die when my ex wife held that gun to my head, and maybe I was supposed to swallow all those pills in 2009 while all those voices steadily urged me to kill myself.

I release a book, and with it, I release myself. I release all those feelings that were supposed to have died within my trembling soul all those years ago. I know that this was what I was meant to do in this life. For so many years, I asked myself "What's this life for?" Now I know. It was to think and to feel and to smile and to laugh and to hurt and to cry and in so many ways, I've already loved more than I could possibly love in an entire lifetime, but I've also died a thousand deaths.

Each night, just me and my keyboard, the pain bleeds out of my hands as I write. All of those long nights have finally produced something of value. And with no cheers and no fan fair, I present to the world my Rumbling Heart.

Synopsis - Rumbling Heart

Here is the synopsis I came up with for my book. This is what will appear on both the Amazon and Barns and Noble listing. As soon as the purchase links are available, I will post them. Some of you may already notice the updated links to the blog. While I am getting things set, the book is not yet available, but will be in the next day or so. Enjoy.

Rumbling Heart Synopsis

After escaping the clutches of his abusive ex-wife, John finds himself living a rather dreary and reclusive life in Eureka, California. By choice, he works at a menial job where he gets paid very little, and barely makes ends meet. One day he comes home after quitting his job during an altercation with his boss to find a strange note taped to his door, instructing him to check his email. Letting his curiosity get the best of him, he checks to find an email waiting for him from the international conglomerate known simply as The Company. The email offers him a chance to secure employment with one of the most employee friendly companies on earth so without delay, he replies to the email and provides The Company with all of his personal information. Within minutes, he is contacted by phone and an interview is setup. As he gets additional information about the company, he is told about all the benefits he will reap once he is employed. One such benefit is so bold and unique that is takes him completely by surprise and because of it, he is eventually introduced to an emotionally odd, yet adorably quirky woman named Anna who is also employed by The Company.

As their friendship progresses, John is forced to look inside himself and reexamine his life as he and Anna’s relationship begins to morph and change into something much more than he expected. Weary of getting close to anyone, John struggles with his past, but ultimately decides to try to open himself up to new things, but little does he know, his new companion is hiding something from him that will rock the foundation of their friendship and send him into a tailspin of emotion.

He also unexpectedly grows closer to the beautiful and intelligent Human Resources manager Emily, his first contact within the company, who appears to have only his best interests at heart. As he begins to trust the bold and confident Emily with more, he finds that she too may not be who she seems. Soon, John finds himself in a minefield of mystery and deceit and over time, he finds he must either deal with the gatekeepers of secrecy or devolve into lunacy as his past continues to haunt his thoughts and his life.

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Acknowledgments

So since my date of release is looming, I decided to get together my acknowledgments page and I am trying to think of all the people who have helped me in getting this project off the ground and kept me inspired through its development. Some people are very obvious while others I am still trying to nail down. I am not putting people in it just to appease friends or family. I am looking for those who have offered some sincere insight into what I have been trying to do.

Looking back to the end of October when I just opened up Word and started writing with no real purpose, things have changed a great deal and some people have played a role in the completion of my book. It saddens me to think that there have actually been 2-3 people who have looked down on me not only for writing, but even for going back to school. I kept thinking to myself how awful their lives must be to find nothing better to do that to try and tear someone's dream down and make them feel as if they will never accomplish anything. Well, I am happy to say to those few people who hated on me...KISS MY ASS.

In less than a month, my dream of putting my work out there for people to read is going to come true, and to be honest, I don't care if i sell just a measly 10 copies. I will be happy to be read by any and all readers, and if my work can leave even the slightest impact, I will feel as if I have accomplished my goal. It's not often that people can see a life dream come to fruition, but I am thankful that it will for me. Obviously, any money I make off the project will be welcomed as I am still just a poor college student. I never expected to get rich off of this; all I wanted was to be heard.

Well, as the day draws closer, I am clearing my throat and hoping for the best. That being said, even if the best doesn't happen, I will never stop writing...I can't stop writing. My mind will never rest. I have accepted that. It is the reason I cannot sleep. I wake in the middle of the night after maybe an hour's rest and cannot help but turn on my computer and write until my fingers tingle with pain and fatigue. And the few hours I am able to sleep, the dreams never stop coming. They haunt me and speak to me and the voices carry on like a choir of musing. The inspiration surrounds me from all sides as if i am being pursued by a ghost of ideas as it desperately pleads with me to share it's ideas with the world.

I will always be that outcast and I will always be different from everyone else, and now I know why. I am who I am and I write what I feel, and the voices in my head will not rest. Ever. My legacy will be intertwined with my creations, and through my work, they and I will live forever.

2nd Revision on All Chapters - Complete

In what has seemingly been a marathon of revising, I finally finished going through all chapters and finished making major corrections. Those chapters in the master document, which already had a third look, are about to get a forth as I was able to see a few errors I somehow managed to miss in the revision which placed them in the master document. While I have no plans on tearing apart the master, I do think going through all of them one last time would be a good idea.

I am getting a little anxious now as I realize that the finish line is definitely in sight. While it will not be released to any real praise or fan fair, I will finally be able to say that I worked on and completed a true novel, 100% on my own. All I can hope for is that I will make a modest amount on its sales. I have no real expectation money wise, thinking I will just be thrilled to be read at all. I don't expect people to like the book cover to cover, but i hope the story will touch them in someway, if even for a moment.

5th Day

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5^th Day

Cherry blossoms trickle down from the sky, and the grass is soft, lush, like a bed of down on a cool, spring day. I look skyward and speculate on the clouds before me, wondering what each one looks like. Trains and trollies, and teddy bears consume my being; the light, northern breeze kisses my exposed skin. My knees are pointed up and I feel as if I am being watched, in fact I know I am for I can see her out of the corner of my eye. She stares at me and wishes her wish of carefree days and endless nights, the pattern of bittersweet days having taken their toll. Her red hair sways out across her rosy lips as the wind plucks her lavish locks out from under her hand which attempts to hold their listless flight at bay. Her heart beats and rumbles, and her blue eyes glisten with sweet delight as she steps closer to me. Finally, I turn to her and our eyes meet, and startled shivers exert their force upon her shadowed visage. Her eyes show her grief and we both know I cannot stay here like this, relaxing in her silhouette for long. Four days and six hours have passed, and every waking moment we have spent together, and every moment in slumber she has been in my arms. I’ve read her mind, her thoughts melancholic, and I know her heart for she has told me of her incorrigible desire to keep me with her. We hold each other’s gaze as we listen to sounds of children at play, our unborn child still just a dream.

The breeze picks up and she sits down beside me to show me her cruel and lovely intentions. Her theft, of such brilliant and tireless devotion, was only the beginning of our unforeseen affinity, and the loss of such a strong defense was not bitter, but a welcome circumstance. Her company was not granted, but more a luxury, a state of which much due diligence had been paid. As I turn my eyes back toward the heavens, she joins me for the critical view, and I take a breath that precludes all fallacy of reason.

Solar Half Breed

Blue almond-shaped eyes and black hair, light skin and full lips, and a sultry exotic look
An unusual combination from an unlikely pair and I am not exactly sure where I belong

Who am I and where do I fit in
I look at my skin and I don't belong where I am
Or do I

People look at me differently and they speak of my parents as if they are an anomaly
I don't see what the big deal is, but I am reminded of it everyday
I am accused of coloring my hair yet I take after my father
I am accused of wearing contacts, yet my eyes are blue like my mothers

The guys like my curves and for that, most of the other girls hate me.
I have only two real friends while the others just wanted to be associated with the girl with the mixed parents
I never understood that term
"Mixed"

Since I was a child I was looked at differently, but at first it was only the adults
My mother picked me up from school and the teacher said I wasn't hers
Her hair is auburn and red, and matches her aura
While my black locks shimmer and command attention, contrasting to my pale image

Through high school it was much of the same as I was hated for my beauty
Accused of stealing others boyfriends, I locked myself in my room with my books
I read till i fell asleep, and my father was more than happy to keep the books coming
My mother admired me and told me I was smarter than she, but I never felt that way

In college I felt better and people accepted me
I was never an outcast and I was welcomed into a clique with many other "half breeds"
We were looked upon as rarities and murmurs circulated that we were coveted as partners
I'm still not sure why

I see my parents and they are still together and very happy
They raised me to be who I wanted to be and never preached "colors"
I wasn't White or Black or Spanish or Asian or Mexican or whatever other labels people have for us
I was just me

Although I understand the prejudice, I still cannot accept it
I am not their idea of "white", but I am my mother's daughter and my father's little girl
I am not their idea of "Spanish", but I am my father's child and my mother's baby
I am only what I wish to be and not what you make me out to be

Blind Unicorn

I cannot write the way I want to at this point in time. I can't sleep right and when I do it's for minimal 10 minute intervals. I am awake and asleep at the same time and i cannot break this vicious cycle of restlessness. I am inspired and demotivated, I am dreaming during my waking hours and the stories never stop writing themselves. They unravel and distort, the truth is cycling through me like a virus on steroids. When my eyes are closed I can feel a presence, but I don't know who it is. I hear a merry go round, but it only goes around in a hellish cauterizing and illuminating feverishness that binds my thoughts together with super glue. I have no feelings yet i feel it all, the weight of an audacious animal biting at my strength. I'm interconnected and losing my signal, I am running in circles without a set number of degrees as I travel in time that has suddenly stopped. I've just about had it and the taste of pomegranate sticks to my palette, these sleeping pills leave me in a daze. The dreams will keep coming so I better keep running, my pen attached to my finger tips is dripping of ink and it never quits. So write on I must and face the distrust of the human condition despite premonition. This can't be real.

Angry Again

With writing, I've found that usually when I become inspired to write it's not only because of my love for the craft, but also because I have something personal to say. Passions lost and found prompt me write and express myself and oddly enough, anger has played a major role in that as well. There are times when I feel somewhat content with my life regardless of the challenges I am facing in my life and that tends to be a creative downfall. Why? When I lack conflict and challenges, I tend to close myself up and not say much if anything at all. While I do not live my life to search out conflict, for one reason or another I have been able to take those negative feelings and put them down as an artful and sometimes insightful look at life and the everyday fights we all endure as we work our way through life.

That being said, I find my fire burning again as the creative spark has given way to a massive influx of ideas and personal things to say. While it's rare that I write about myself directly, choosing to create characters and put them in similar situations instead, I do from time to time get very personal and in that attempt at self cleansing, sometimes anger others to the point of harming relationships. I have taken a step back from my life every now and then to see why it is that this happens and I think I have figured it out.

Everyone likes to think of themselves as an individual; someone completely different from everyone else on the planet, making them feel as if only they could ever be the person that they have become. Sadly, this is rather off course and certainly not the truth. I see people out there with tons of friends and they seem to be socially accepted in most circumstances. I, however, do not see them as an individual. I see them as a conformist; someone who has had their individuality stripped from them and turned into what we all like to think of as being socially acceptable. I have found that in life it's hard for most people to be taken seriously unless they are able to communicate with others on their level. Most people have this idea that they must do what society tells them to do or else you are an outcast and should not be taken seriously. Society tells us to get married and have children and conform the the standard definition of what we as a people have somehow decided to call normal. Be nice to your neighbors, always be kind to your friends, listen to your parents. I look at those phrases and i can't help but think what a complete load of crap.

My next two articles will be on topics such as these and yes, I have something personal to say.

Lose You

I am considering writing an alternate ending to my book. I know, somethings shouldn't be redone or rewritten which is why I am still sticking to my original ending...but as with a lot of things in this world, sometimes you just have to wonder how different things would be if you would have ended up taking one road over another instead of your chosen path. Sometimes you can't help but think what more could you have done to change a particular outcome. This line of thinking is irrational, I agree...however as i previously mentioned, sometimes you can't help but wonder.

In this alternate ending, something remarkably dramatic will happen and it will change the way the book is perceived as a whole which is why it will probably be written, but never used. I can't imagine doing this in a book that's had as many ups and downs as this one has had. If i were to end the book in this alternate way, it would leave the reader with a sense of loss and despair so to use it would be ignoring the point of why I wrote the story to begin with. If this writing is successful, would I ever release the alternate ending? I'm not sure. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I don't want to sully the legacy of the characters and putting the alternate ending out there may raise questions. You may then be asking "why even write it if you have no intention of ever using it?" Again, as I said before, sometimes you just can't help but wonder what life would have been like had one simple decision been different. If you had chosen to not go to a gathering or if you had chosen not to go out with the person who is now your spouse or the co-parent of your children. One simple decision can change the course of your entire life. In extreme cases, it can literally mean the difference between someone living and dying. Will someone else die in my alternate ending? I guess I will just have to wait and see where my "pen" takes me.

Holiday Gift

You know what the greatest holiday gift for me is? No, it's not the super special awesome wool cap I asked for or the gift cards i got. Sure, spending time with my family was great and while I do appreciate that, I have to be a little self centered here and say that coming up with the perfect climatic ending for my book is the best thing. I woke up today and it was all just there, as if i dreamed it all the night before. I was up at about 5am on my own, and not because it was Christmas because honestly, I don't really care too much for the holiday anymore. Yet on this day, I figured out the ending to my work and I couldn't be happier. It's so simple yet so perfect that I don't even have to outline it to remember. It's engraved in my heart and mind, so much so that you'd have thought I lived it. I have only one other person to thank for this literary bounty. Have a good holiday and be safe.

 

Hoshizora no Waltz

It's been difficult, but I am going to force myself to write Chapter 12. I have come this far and I shouldn't just cash in my chips just yet. My goal was to write a heartfelt and touching story about two people who find each other through the strangest of circumstances, regardless of how unlikely it may seem. I don't care if people read it and call it crap or find the story unbelievable. Fact is regardless of how crazy my story is, I know true life is indeed stranger than fiction so if they don't see the beauty in my story, I really don't care. Instead of just becoming a slave to my emotions, I am rededicating myself and not only writing the story for a certain some one else, but also for myself. It's going to happen and it's going to be completed one way or another. At times I am knocking out a chapter and a half a night so there is no lock of inspiration. It's simply trying to cope with all the emotions that come along with writing a story that comes straight from the heart. I don't care if Finals are around the corner, I am not letting up. I am not sure how I am going to distribute the work once it's finished, but I want as many people as possible to read it and again, if you think it's crap, so be it.

Chapter 11

Is down and so am I. This was much more emotionally draining that I thought it would be. Not sure how much longer I can live this double life. Regardless it's done and now we are going to jump into chapter 12 by jumping ahead about 4 weeks in time while one of my main characters is in Japan on a business trip.

Do you all ever look at the recommended tags as they generate on the fly? Just from the first paragraph I've written, already it has populated "Lesbian" and Don't Ask, Don't Tell" for me...wth? I didn't even get close to talking about that in the first paragraph. Sounds like their algorithm needs work. Uh oh, now "Player Piano" just popped up...this is weird stuff.

Precious Things

As writers, we are often told that we lead a second life and that as we write we deal with our emotions of our real lives along with those of our "writing life". I couldn't agree more on this as I am finding it more difficult to separate my "writing life" feelings from my real life feelings. Take this novel I am writing. The first few chapters were fine, I was able to handle all the emotion quite well. However these last couple of chapters are the real heart of the book and it's getting very difficult to handle all of what I am writing. It's 100% fiction mind you, but to express the feelings of my characters I find ti necessary to take on their emotional baggage. My writing turns our great, however when it's time to turn off the computer and get some sleep, I find myself tossing and turning with my emotions working overtime. I know i am making too close a connection between myself and my characters, but if I don't have that connection, my writing suffers.

If anyone knows any techniques on how to keep my writing edge, yet be able to separate myself from the baggage that comes with it, that would be quite helpful.

Sweet Dreams

Apparently it's my turn to start dreaming of various different book and movie ideas. Tonights was a bit violent, the second one at least. The first was standard fair. And to better explain what I mean by "tonight" i was asleep by 6pm and got out of bed by 11pm, waking up several times throughout my "night".

The first was Olivia and I, but our topic of discussion was a little different. We sat there in a coffee shop and we were discussing her stress levels. I was offering her suggestions to help ease it so that her health wouldn't suffer. We sipped our drinks and looked outside, watching people walk by and go about their lives.

The second...was kind of insane. I assure you I am not some loony. This was just one of those weird dreams that's kind of unexplainable, yet interesting. I was with a group of time travelers and we would jump from different versions of out world, parallel dimensions. We were trying to find out way back to our world which mathematically speaking may be impossible since according to many scientists there could be an infinite number of parallel universes out there. The only way to force ourselves to move from time to time was to murder ourselves in our current time. Usually it was not difficult to find us, most of the time we found ourselves at home, school, work, etc. There were a total of five of us doing this. Myself, 3 women and another man. The man was about late 20s, one of the woman was a young girl, maybe about 15, then there was a somewhat younger woman about early 20s, then an older woman who was about 45. We had apparently been doing this for some time as we had become exceedingly good at quite literally killing ourselves. We usually hunted as a group to assure our success. We would hunt for myself and the other man...the other me and the other guy to be clear...so that we can move on to the usually easier female targets. As we hunted, we would surround the locations of our other selves and move in for the kill with precision. The other guy would usually break in and scare the other us, flushing them out of the house or into a place in their location where they would be trapped. Once cornered, we would without much talk execute the other us, then move on to our next target. We continued doing this for what felt like 50-60 times and of course we were never transported home after the final kill.

The logic told us that when we got home, we would not find our other selves and that we would simply know we got back because it would "feel" like home. Finally after another successful hunt, we failed to "jump" to a new dimension, thus ending our journey. Out of frustration and knowing we would never get home, we began killing each other. The other man killed the teenager and the woman in her 20 ran for her life. The older woman and the  other man hunted each other for what seemed like ages. Finally the man caught up to the older woman and shot her 4-5 times. While she was dying, he moved over top of her and began to chastise her, seemingly blaming her for our not getting home. While he was talking trash, she was able to lift up her shot gun and shoot him in the face, killing him instantly. I heard the shot and ran over to see what was happening. When i got close, the woman was still alive, but barely physically functional. I knelled down besides her and assured her I wasn't there to kill her. As I watched her die, i took her hand to offer her some comfort and told her that I didn't think it was her fault, that this was something bigger than ourselves. Sitting there I did not hear the woman in her 20s come back and put a gun to my head. I told her I was unarmed and had not shot the older woman or the dead man lying next to her. I told her that I had no intention of hunting her and that it was pointless for us to kill each other as it would never help us get home. Still cautious, the woman slowly backed out of the room and left again. I looked back down at the older woman to see that she had expired.

I walked out of a building covered in blood, almost in shock over the ordeal I had gone through. I fell to the ground and the woman in her 20 reappeared. She said she thinks she figured out how to get us home and it didn't involve murder. She sat next to me and held my hand as rain began to fall. The drops washed away the blood from the both of us and we fell to sleep. When we awoke we were home, sitting on a park bench surrounded by children and families having a good time there. We both knew we were home. We exchanged handshakes and vowed to never speak of the misadventure that we shared. We both turned away from each other and walked away.

Crash Into Me

There is no feeling quite like the one you get when you just realize you've written something so profound that you almost lose it. Chapter 6 may be one of the best things I've ever written in my life, not so much from an artistic standpoint, but more from a heartfelt perspective. The character development was beyond what I had hoped for and now I really feel my heart getting beat on a bit by the process. It's not unusual for me to become emotionally invested in my work, but this last chapter, along with chapter 5, has really been a game changer.

 

More Human Than Human Pt. 2 (Human and Machines)

Strangely enough the likeness between machines and humans isn't viewed by people as a partnership, but more of ownership. Example: I own my car, therefore I tell it what to do like drive me to the grocery store. Fair enough. As with most machines, if you ask it to do a certain task, it should comply without much argument...or does it. The greatest comparisons today between humans and machines can be seen in computers. By looking at the brain as an advanced microprocessor, one can clearly see why some people often compare the two. Both operate with small amounts of electrical energy and they have the ability to process millions of calculations per second. Many will argue that the brain is better, however logically speaking that may in fact be false. The reason? While the brain has such a massive amount of processing power, some estimate at somewhere around the equivalent of having a a 16.8trhz processor (16.8 trhz = 16800ghz) the mind is indeed flawed and can, at times make incredibly mistakes as far as mathematical computation and logic operation.

The flaw can be seen as the single greatest human trait: Emotion. We would all like to think that because we can feel and display emotion that it somehow makes us superior when in fact is both a blessing and a curse. Other reasons can be given such as memory constraints and soft tissue vulnerability, however emotion is what seemingly leads many people to make what other may see as stupid mistakes.

A prime example is gambling. When a person is gambling and winning, they often times feel an emotional rush, a high generated by the success of their play. With this high, people can often times feel cocky and overconfident, giving them the impression that they are on a lucky streak, therefore they may risk more based on the same mathematical problem. If a man is playing blackjack and has won 5 hands in a row, he may begin to wager more and split hands simply out of emotion, neglecting the logical option of staying with his proven method. A computer on the other hand will always play with the odds in their favor if possible. A computer will stay within a certain set of rules to the given situation. If a computer is playing a game of chess, they will always think many moves ahead while a person may go against the odds based on emotion or the hopes that their opponent makes a mistake. The computer will never assume a mistake will be made, therefore the move the machine makes will always follow logic. In other words, it will never "take a chance."

Because of emotion, a man is flawed when it comes to logical reasoning in many cases.

The computer however by the same token is flawed in our eyes as well based on the same argument properties. Setting the scene, I will place a computer inside that of a human skull and call it a robot or cyborg, whichever is more comfortable for your imagination in this example. The machine will still follow the same rules of logic as before, weighing percentages and outcomes. The scenario is a burning building where a person is trapped inside and cannot escape without assistance. Assuming all available information is available to the robot, it in fact chose not to rescue the trap individual based purely on mathematical chance. If the fire is fairly simple in nature and threat level, the machine will weight it's chances of success against the chance of failure and act accordingly. If the chance of success is 50.1% or higher (based on the rules set forth in its programming), the cyborg will attempt a rescue and try to save the person. Take the same situation and make the fire a blazing inferno. The chances of success are now less than 10%. Based on the logic present within the cyborgs programming, it will choose not to attempt a rescue. The same cannot be said for a human.

A human, as we all know, may be steered by emotion. They will see the blazing inferno and know that the chance of success is very low, however they may still attempt to enter the fire and rescue the person. All logical reasoning in this case is out the door as that person runs in to save the life of another. They know that they may die in the process and based on the numbers that may prove to be true. Should that person save the other and live to tell the tale, people will view him in many different ways. A small number may see him as a sick man for doing something "insane" or "suicidal" while others will look upon him as a hero. Lets us now place the cyborg back in the scenario have him go against logic. The cyborg runs in and rescues the person. When the situation is examined later on, the cyborg may also be viewed as sick (IE computer virus) or a hero. The human hero will be revered while his machine counterpart will be taken apart and inspected for abnormalities as most humans do not associate heroism with a machine, thinking there is no way that a computer can understand emotion or even value human life. The big question here is can a machine "learn" emotion?

By all accounts, it seems very possible. Think of emotion as simply another process that the brain calculates. Technically speaking if you are missing the part of the brain that processes emotions or it is damaged in some way, in all likelihood that person will not display or be swayed by emotional situations. A computer can be seen the same way; write a program to display emotion and the computer will display it...if it had a face of course. Think of why we show emotion. If a person we know dies, then we will be upset, perhaps cry over this loss. The level to which we mourn is based on the connection we feel toward that person and how much value we place on life. If a person you do not know dies, you may say to yourself "What a shame", but never cry or mourn that loss because you do not feel a connection to them. A Computer can be programmed the same way. It can be programmed to develop a connection to an individual which can grow exponentially over time. The time of exposure can be changed by the individual programmer. Some, by reading this so far can argue that we are no one to "program" emotion into anything. Many of these opponents may not realize that the are and have been programmed since their birth.

Example. A person is born and spends the first 15 years of their life with a parent. Through those years, they grow closer to the parent and feel love for them. Based on their experiences with that adult, they can feel any number of emotions. Love or hate, spending time with that person will eventually develop into an emotion, a "program" telling you that since this person has been there for and cared for you, you in turn love them. You have at this point been programmed to love, a directive in your brain tells you that you love them. Same can go with hate. If a child is abused by a parent, they will be hateful toward that adult, therefore once again they are programmed to hate. This can happen so quickly and seamlessly in humans that no one seems to realize it happens. Why does a child sometimes prefer one parent to another? Parents will say "Well, he is just close to his daughter" or something similar. The father feels that connection, therefore he spends more time with his daughter. The daughter unconsciously knows this so in turn she develops love for him as well.

Technically speaking, the brain is a learning computer that is changing every day and in more way that we can even fathom. If we were able to create programs that simulate human emotion and plug them into a computer, it could learn to feel emotion. To simplify this idea, think of a common document application like Microsoft Word. As you use the program, you can "teach" is to do certain things or correct it's behavior so that it is pleasing to you...which is very similar to that of a developing child. When you first have this child, it is just a small, seemingly help life form that needs love and attention so that it can eventually turn into a well balanced adult. The same can be done with a program. Again, referring to Word, as you use it and teach it, it learns more about you and the world. You can teach it new words, new scenarios, news ways of writing. It grows with you. While Word may not be the best example, it does display the basics of what a program can learn.

Being self aware is also another argument against machines and emotion. The computer only knows what we want it to know in mostly all cases around the world. We only allow the computer access to certain files, programs, hardware, etc. With the gaining of knowledge, the birth of consciousness up to this point in time has not been established. While the idea of creating a self aware machine that understands what it is and knows what it can do is still some ways off into the future, that future is getting closer by the day. We simply need to find a way to not only mimic our emotions, but also allow the computer to have free will, the ability to make decisions not only based on mathematical chance, but also while weighing those emotions as well...just like we humans do.

Works Cited

http://library.thinkquest.org/C001501/the_saga/compare.htm

More Human Than Human Pt. 1 (Humans and Animals)

What is it that makes people "human"?

When asked, sadly, many humans are hard pressed to give a definitive answer. To answer that question would also be to ask the following questions. What makes an animal an animal...and what makes a machine a machine.

Many people have cited religious quests or have reached emotional conclusion when, from the looks of things, cannot be used to truly tell what is and what is not human.Religion for example. Some believe religion is some sort of mass hysteria, a mental illness of sorts which we, as humans, have cooked up to make us feel better or to provide moral boundaries for us to live by. Arguably, a large majority of the world does believe in religion in one incantation or another whether it be Christianity, Muslim, Hindu or whichever other religion you can think of. Is it possible that that many people have voluntarily opened themselves up to mental illness? Many religious leaders and believers would take my words as a slight towards organized religion, however I think they, even with all their followers and beliefs must agree that even the mentally ill have shown signs of delusion when it come to insanity. Visions of Jesus Christ and even people who believe they have spoken to God directly all litter the landscape of the world. The thought that one all mighty entity rules over the entire universe and for some reason of all the trillions of possible planets out there chose Earth as his religious sanctuary seems incredibly far fetched. To this day, no one has been able to offer a viable scientific explanation to that question. If there is a human element to this point of view, it is that we are all flawed and can and will become ill either physically, mentally, or both.

The human emotional experience has been defined, by some, as the ability to attach an emotional response to a given action. For example, a person dies therefore you may cry or in some severe cases, feel physical pain. Perhaps a certain event that has been looked forward to arrives, therefore eliciting a joyful response or a sense of excitement. Both are considered to be a human response. However, it is not unheard of to see this emotion from an animal. Example, a dog owner returns home from work, the dog in turn becomes excited since his master has returned to him. Although some define that as a human emotional response, the dog clearly shares excitement with his human counterpart. Does this example make us less human or more animal? Does it make the dog less animal and more human? Comparatively, humans have in many cases exhibited many physical and emotional reponses that can be seen as animal. Would a man living in the forest be called an animal for killing a deer and eating it to survive? In most cases no because he would in all likelihood be doing it only out of necessity. The same can be said of a coyote or wild dog or any other predatory animal.

The only reason they kill, in most cases, is to survive. Some may argue that there have in fact been times where a human was killed by a wild animal for means other than that noted for a human killing an animal. Based on scientific studies of animal and human behavior, it is not too far fetched to believe that a human wandering into the territory of a pack of wolves may be targeted and killed. This example can be be compared to that of a wild animal, for example a bobcat, getting into a house with people in it and the homeowner shooting and killing the animal. Why, in both cases, did something or someone die? Territory. The bobcat was seen as a threat although it may have had no intention of attacking a human, but since the cat was unexpectedly present, the human shot and killed it. Same can be said of the wolves attacking and killing a human walking through their territory. The human, by their judgment, had no right to be there and was viewed as a threat, even though the human most likely was simply passing through. Based on these arguments, the line between humans and animals begins to fade as their behavior seems very similar to that of a human.

The supposed lack of human emotion as it pertains to the murder of another human being is, by some, viewed as animalistic. The likeness, however convenient, seems terribly misused as human behavior cannot always be seen as righteous. The killing of another for materialistic things such as money and possessions is all too human. A terrific example may be seen as war between countries and groups of people. War, by all accounts, generally begins when one group of people, for some reason decide to either cause harm to another group or take what that group feels is rightfully theirs. The disagreement escalates and a conflict is born as the two factions fight for what they feel is right. The same can be said of animals, albeit on a smaller scale. One pack of wolves may try to expand their territory into that of another packs. Fighting begins and lives are lost as the two groups of animals compete for dominance of the land. Again, another issue which is referred to as animal can now be seen as more human than anything else. One fact that offers circumstance is the reason behind the war. Wolves, by all accounts, will only do such things as a means to survive. The food in a certain location becomes scarce, therefore the pack moves to where the food is and in some cases this new location overruns that of an already existing pack. Given the territoriality of both packs, war may be inevitable.

It can be argued that humans do the same thing; taking over a certain area of land or resource as a means of survival. While that argument may sometimes hold water, in the last 200 years there are several examples of people not taking over or attacking other countries out of necessity, but simply because they choose to. Take Nazi Germany for example. History has shown that Germany did not have to oppress the Jewish community, yet they killed millions of them; not to take over a country or a resource, but simply because they chose to. Nazi sympathizers say that the Jews were the reason for Germany's defeat in World War I. Others say that religion came into play and the largely Christian country did not wish to have Jews rule their land and economy. Nowhere in history can the same be said for animals. Killing simply to kill rarely, if ever, happens in nature. Neither does killing over a religious belief.

(TBC)

Amphibian

This may be nothing at all...but for some odd reason I had a hard time understanding English today. Being that it's my primary language, this has worried me a bit. It was the oddest feeling, expecting to simply understand without any real effort and then actually having to take a moment to think about what was said is so alien to me. I had that same feeling you get when you are trying to speak to someone who is speaking to you in a language you have probably heard of, but cannot really understand most things. I wonder if this has anything to do with my exposure to other cultures lately. I have surrounded myself with both Korean and Japanese languages via various shows and celebrities. I wonder if this is my mind getting used to those languages and now it for some reason isn't seeing English as its only means of audible interpretation. I have been around Spanish a lot of my life, but have never experienced such a sensation before.

I am guessing this feels different because I am not only exposing myself to those other languages, but I am also making a conscious effort to gain a better understanding of them. Sadly with Spanish, I have never had that drive.

Again, I am sure it's nothing, but it was just the strangest feeling.

 

Let Me Be Myself

Who am i and what am I doing here? I'm not completely sure most of the time if what I am doing is right. I am just so tired of waiting for something to happen. I know, things will not just happen, I have to make them. Well, I am hardly sitting around on my ass letting the world pass me by anymore. I am being more social that I have been in years. I am bettering myself with college and getting alone swimmingly with my classmates who for some reason hold me in the highest regard as far as intelligence. I feel like I was lost for several years and I am finally making my way back to life. I guess this is what those soap opera coma patients feel like after waking from an almost 10 year vegetative state.

I am finding it incredibly odd that even with the ex long gone, there is never a shortage of people who only want you to feel as terrible as they do. I have heard the saying "Misery loves company", but I have never pushed my negativity on anyone else. I guess my introvertive nature has kept that at bay. Even as i put myself first most of the time now, I find myself incredibly lonely a lot of the time. Even as I have ventured back out into the world, I have no real friends to speak of. I was doing the facebook thing till I got sick of the BS that comes with it. Once close females friends are prevented from speaking to me by their husbands because they feel I am some sort of threat to them and my male friends are too busy playing with their new buddies. I guess my absence from the real world really threw me for a loop. Again, that coma patient syndrome coming into play as the world moved forward without me. I can't say that I really blame anyone, but I always thought to myself if one of my friends were in a similar situation, I would welcome them back with open arms...and I did. People i had not spoken to in over 10 years found me via facebook and I was very happy to hear from them.

I was so excited that I wanted to meet up with them and have a good long chat over coffee like the old days, but for various reasons (and excuses) nothing ever came of it. Even a friend I had who now lives in a different city not too far from me tells me that she comes to see her parents all the time. I have been back home for just under a year now and as many times as I know she has been in town, she has always made some sort of excuse for us not to meet. Needless to say after about the 8th time of her feeding me a line, I blew her off completely and discarded the friendship as lost. She never really had any intention of ever seeing me again. Maybe she just wanted some one to be happy to hear from her in her screwy life.

Other people have just flat out attacked me for no reason, even going as far as attacking me for reading books. I'll say that again. I was insulted cause I mentioned on Facebook that I was reading a book. The audacity of some people, the distance they will go to just simply hate others is dumbfounding. That same person even attacked me for going to college. Again, I discarded the friendship, taking her viciousness as her way of lashing out at people who will soon have a much better life than her. I think what pissed her off the most was that I am going to college for free.

Regardless, that is why 2 years from now I will have a decent degree and she will still be stuck in the ghetto feeding her 5 kids with food stamps while I am moving up in the world and making a decent salary.

It's been a constant struggle in my life, people always wanting me to be what they wanted me to be. My old high school teachers, parents, ex, and now even my old friends, some of them I've know for over 25 years, telling me I am an idiot for starting over and wanting to make something of myself. Well, as the song says...