Heroes and Bad Reviews

Sometimes distractions can lead us away from our goals. Often times I find myself getting tunnel vision when I am writing an idea and that's not always the best thing. For the stories I am developing, I had a point A to point B plan and that was not the way it should have been. There is more to a great book than who, what, when, where, and why. An explanation can be developed from those, but not a great story. Sometimes stepping away and doing other things can help you reclaim your idea from a narrow vision and assist you in turning a good idea into an magnificent book.

In October, I purposely stepped away from my stories and kept myself from writing. Why? I felt like I was becoming bored with the process. I still had idea I knew were good, but I felt like something was lacking in my writing. I needed to find a way to develop more than just an A to B story. My first book Rumbling Heart was more than an A to B story and it shows in the quality of the development not only of the work, but also the characters and the atmosphere. Sometimes reading a book can help you reevaluate and refocus on what you are trying to do. In my case though, being able to now see things from a different angle is a double-edged sword.

I looked over my work and even over some reviews and bits of feed back I have gotten over my work. The good reviews are always nice, but it is the bad reviews that always stick with you. Why? Just human nature I suppose. Here is a snippet of a negative review RH got and my response to it.

Negative reviews happen. There is no way around it. Being a writer I accept that and I know there will always be people who either do not understand my work or, for whatever reason, want to find reasons to make it seem as if I did a huge disservice to the human race. I did find it interesting that this person thought her review was constructive. You can see my response to her review in the photo as well. Her response was once again nonconstructive. I liken this review to calling someone names because that is essentially what they did. If you feel the need to call me (or my work) "stupid" without offering any reason as to why you felt that way or any way to improve it, the review is completely pointless. Offering no way to improve on something is about as bad as crying because you didn't get your way. If I were a coach and I told a child they were terrible at football or whatever other sport I was coaching them in, I wouldn't remain a coach very long. Obviously you cannot really liken coaching to reviewing a book or a movie or whatever else you can give feedback on. Reviewers aren't coaches. I realize that. But at the same time people who do offer feedback need to understand that the main reason you give feedback, be it positive, negative, or mixed, is so people who develop their ideas can improve and make things better the next time around. What is the point of simply calling people or their work names? Sounds to me like certain individuals either lack the ability to express themselves or they feel the need to tear someone down.

Success also breeds negativity.

I will not say I am very successful. I haven't sold a ton of books and I haven't made all kinds of money at this. It was never really about money anyway. I have over the last year and a half gotten hurtful messages and emails from people who see that I was somehow able to hash it out and write a book. Not many people can say they've done that. Sure, some people can write a small story, but my first book was 475+ pages. A little long, but anyone has to admit that writing a book of that size takes time and commitment. My followup to my first book is much shorter, but still comes in at about 300 pages. No small feat. Another big story for me which is about 70% complete will probably come in at about 275 pages. Again, not many people in the world can say they can sit down and accomplish such a thing. I am not saying I should automatically get a great review for the effort, but I would hope that people like me...artists...deserve at the very least a review explaining exactly why our work is either good, bad, or mixed.

A good review does not always have to be positive. If you gave me 1 or 2 stars, but explained why this or that was unappealing to you, I could respect that. Not offering any explanation whatsoever makes me think the person is either just looking to be mean or trolling. In a way, they are kind of the same thing.

If you are a reviewer like I am from time to time, do the artist a favor and explain why you think one way or another. In the end, we will thank you for it and so will other readers.

 

 

Amazon Author Biography

I spend a little time and worked on the biography on the author page I have set up on Amazon.com. It seems pretty solid and I think I will leave it as it is, but I wouldn't mind a little feedback. I tried as much as I could to focus on the work and how it came to be. Although I don't have any reservations about keeping many of my personal details out of it, I still wanted to make the page about the books so that could be focused on and not so much on me. I figure if people really are that interested in the work, then they will eventually want to find out more about me. That will come with time. Have a look at the page here and let me know what you think.

I duplicated this data for the Smashwords bio page as well which can be viewed here.

Emily Martin and Last Night

All Links are live. You can access them here.

Ty all for the continued support. I've found that even now, I have a few people lingering around that would rather see me fail in my attempts to make something of myself. I also know there will always be people who hate me because I am able to do something they are not. I will not recognize their attempts at trying to derail my passion by mentioning them by name. All I will do is just keeping doing what I do. As the old internet saying goes, "haters gonna hate."

The development of my short story into a film is proof that persistence can pay off. I spoke with the director last night and we have come up with some very workable ideas and it looks like we can really make it happen. It may not be tomorrow or next week or even next month, but it will get made. It will be taken to various film festivals and hopefully, we will gain some recognition not only from our peers, but also from those who never stopped believing in us.

We may not become rich or famous, but we will change people's ideas about the subject matter that we cover. I think when all is said and done and our film is made, I can look back at all the hate that's come my way and laugh a little, knowing that all their harsh words did was strengthen my resolve.

Not everyone can write a poem or a short story or a full novel for that matter. It takes endless nights of tedious editing and corrections to get the story exactly the way you want it. Not everyone can pull that off. I've done it now for the third time. There will be at least one more. I find it funny that people who say my work is terrible have never even read it so...how could they possibly know? I can understand criticism if you'd read at least one of my works, but to say my material isn't any good when you've not even looked at it shows only a lack of self respect. I feel sorry for people like that because those same people who hate me are the ones that know deep down they could never do what I do. I'm not saying these things to show off my ego because I really don't have one. Just as I do not hate those who work in other professions and do their jobs well, I would hope that others would at least do me the courtesy of being decent, but that's people for you. People fear what they do not know and they hate others for no other reason than that they possess or have accomplished things they never could.

I may not end up with an Academy award or a Pulitzer in my hands, but I will still have my books. Even after I am gone, those will still be here. For generations to come, my words and stories will echo through time. What will you leave behind? What will be your legacy? Bitterness? Hate? Obviously, those are not very admirable traits. I know I'm not nearly a perfect person, but I do have things most yearn to have: passion, love, persistence, patience, and plenty of stories to tell.

You have a choice. You can either listen as I tell them or hate me as I move forward and write more. Heck, even ignoring me shows more than standing around and hating me. When you stand there and speak badly of me, it only goes to show that I've got your attention so I must be doing something right.

Maybe one day people filled with hate will be ready to move on and do something more with their lives. I don't have the greatest life and I do not claim to be famous or rich or even popular. I am just me. A writer's life isn't all that glamorous. I sit in a room in front of a screen, typing out endless ideas and making them into something that might touch people...and I am ok with that. If I choose to give my art away, that's my choice. After all, it's my talent and not yours.

Who knows really when all this writing will end. Ultimately, that's up to me. I've openly stated that I may not write another novel after the final RH installment. Maybe that's all I have to give. Maybe I've said what I needed to say. Only I can make that decision. Know this though, when I'm heading out the door, I want to leave my work with people who will protect it's artful quality and do something meaningful with it.

[caption id="attachment_1093" align="aligncenter" width="107" caption="Cover of Last Night"][/caption]

Recorded Butterflies is Now Free

I've dropped the price for Recorded Butterflies to free via Smashwords.com. Currently, Rumbling Heart is also free so you can download both books for absolutely no cost to you. Head on over and check it out while you can. You can download it as a PDF or you can DL a file that will work with your Kindle, Nook, and several other popular eReaders. Thank you all again for your continued support of my work and I look forward to feedback. Be sure to follow me on Twitter @RichardAllenRH

4th and Final "Rumbling Heart" Book Underway

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="300" caption="What will the next book be named?"][/caption]

17k words into the final book all while I still have Emily Martin in editing. The final book in the series is already turning out to be much more than I'd first anticipated. Within the first chapter, the characters have already gone through something completely different than any of the other books. Several lines will be crossed and already they've done that. Expect much more craziness from this book as all the madness will come to a climax and I promise an ending that will both satisfy, shock, and make your heart beat a little faster.

As I've stated in previous posts, I have held back EM as I wanted to be sure that I was able to get in all the information I wanted to and so that both books will tied together nicely. That being said, EM should still be out hopefully no later than early to mid October, maybe sooner depending on how much more I feel I need to do with it. EM was last sitting at about 170k words. I expect the 4th and final book to be slightly larger; perhaps 185k. As with EM, the final book will have different perspective and views, but in the end, it will ultimately go back to John, the original narrator. He started it so he should be the one to finish it, but not before a couple of others have their say. I am breaking the book down into 4 parts and as it stands, I'm not too sure as to which part will be the largest. Probably the 4th and final part, but who knows. Often times I find while writing I tend to go off into a different direction and toss in a few smaller, subplots before getting back and delivering the main point. Any extras will only further develop the characters as I don't really like to toss in too much unneeded fluff.

The overall diction will remain middle to high as far as narration with the occasional lowering for certain plot elements. I've toyed with the differences between narrators, but with just a few adjustments for characteristic play, I doubt much of it will change.

I look forward to getting more feedback from all my readers and as always, thank you all so much for your continued support.

Emily Martin - 2nd Draft Done

Got through the 2nd draft really quickly. Was happy to see that I only had to cut a few sentences here and there and of course fix grammatical errors. I added a couple of small story parts, but that was expected. Maybe 2 things about the overall story don't flow well so I am working on those, hoping to get them done ASAP. I've actually already gotten about 4k words into the work that is expected to come after EM which will be my last, at least in the foreseeable future. At this point, I just want to get this series done because it was all I ever really planned to write anyway. A few short stories aside, I don't really plan to write anything else, but of course; things can change. With my impending move back to Austin, I will be tied up taking care of those things and trying to get a good start back there. All I want is to have a job where I won't eventually kill myself and that pays me well enough to where all my bills are paid. I want my own place where I can just rest and not have to worry about roommates or anything of that sort. I will continue to push the books, but I also have to accept that they aren't very good. They were mostly just something I felt I wanted to do before I died so at least when it's all over, I can say I left something behind.

All that being said, I am going to get back to work on EM so I can get it finished up and ready for publication.

Last Night

On a whim, I wrote a short story of about 5700 words. I'm not trying to sell it at all, just did it for fun. The link is right here. You can share it all you want. Enjoy.

Recorded Butterflies - Synopsis

Here is the synopsis I wrote up on Recorded Butterflies. It's not perfect, but when your book has this many big secrets, you really have to be selective with what you write and how you write it. I hope it sparks some interest. The link to the Facebook event is here. 

In this follow up to his first book Rumbling Heart, Richard Allen continues the story of John as he moves forward with his life after dealing with the demons of his past head on.

It is October 2012 and John Allen has just gotten back into Eureka, California after spending several months on the road. Looking forward to meeting back up with his best friend Emily, he realizes that she is purposely refusing his phone calls and text messages. He finds her sudden absence from his life disturbing and feels as if she is phasing him out of hers. While his ideas as to why she’s suddenly disappeared continue to swim around in his head, she quite suddenly is thrust back into his world, and he eventually finds out the reasons behind her withdrawal. As Emily finally opens up to him and lets him in on all that has happened, he finds the truth about her hard to swallow, but then takes a step back and realizes just how hard life must have been for her since he left her side.

All the while, John is still managing his relationship with his new found love interest shortly after getting back into town after his time on the road with her. After some very serious consideration, he finds himself contemplating something that he felt he would never do again in his life. Finally realizing just how strongly he feels for her, they explore the reasons why they would want to permanently tie their lives together, and the two of them begin a journey that promises to change their lives forever.

Life seems good, and John feels that there is no way it could be any sweeter. While helping Emily deal with a major issue that shakes her to her very core, he still feels that life, as a whole, is looking up and that nothing could possibly bring him down. Little does he knows that just a few short months later, his world would be throw into chaos by something so devastating that it would quite possibly send his life into a tailspin, and that he could soon see himself heading back into that downward spiral he found himself in just a few short years before.

Filled with secrets, intrigue, love, heartache, and moments so sweet they would make most men blush, Recorded Butterflies explores John and his dreams, and offers insight into his mind like never before. It will even ask you to take a different look at him and his friendship with the beautiful and confident Emily as he finds himself looking at her like he never has before. After a few significant twists and turns, you are treated to an ending so explosive, you may want to have your heart medication close by, and you will find yourself begging for the next installment in the series.

RB Editing

It's moving along nicely and with minimal issues. In fact, the only problem is when I leave twitter and Facebook up while I am editing because it's a pretty big distraction. When I close them out, it's smooth sailing. The girlfriend has been off with her kids on a mini vacation and she hasn't had cell phone service so I can't really speak to her, although I'd like to. I am using the time though to continue working so I am trying to make the best of her being away.

 

I've already loaded descriptions for this next work into Barnes and Noble and Amazon. Being that this is going to be a shorter work, I am thinking of a starting price of $2.99 but I'm still figuring that out. This book will pick up where RH left off so it should boost the sales of that work as well so I will see how I feel when it comes to that. To those who have expressed interest in proofing this work, some first revisions are done and I am looking to have a couple of people go over those chapters. Please keep in mind I am looking for more feedback than a simple "it's good" or "I liked it" so please keep that in mind when asking me for copies. Obviously those copies are not the final draft so if you do some proofing for me, chances are there will be changes in the final work so be sure to ask me for your free copy once its officially released.

 

[caption id="attachment_836" align="aligncenter" width="202" caption="Sample Cover Art"][/caption]

Interesting Chapter 3

A very interesting chapter indeed. Never written anything quite like it so I know I will definitely need to come back and do some big revisions. It was a challenge to write but I was able to get through it. As it sits, it has 25 pages, but I know that will increase as I will need to add further details.

The next chapter is one of the ones I was looking forward to. It has an old character yet to appear in this next book and I am looking to see how I can write this encounter. Chapter 5 will be another interesting one as it comes right after this one does without any break in the action whatsoever. Chapter 5 will involve a study on sleep and our perceptions while we are snoozing. I think it will draw in all the right interests and spell out exactly what i want to do. I'm a little excited about it and I want to get started on it right away.

Writing a Dream

It seems like this used to be so much easier. I have been working on a certain piece of my next work, and I've written pretty much any scene you can imagine, complete with details, but this one is just a little harder to write for some reason. I think this scene is challenging because the scenery changes quite often, sometimes from page to page and getting into detail each and every time, while not required at this point, is something I really want to nail as certain details will play out over the course of the book. I am ripping my thesaurus to pieces and it actually feels really good. I've always worked with the aid of one and now I am looking even deeper, but not too deep as I don't want to start using words so remarkably obscure that it challenges the reader to the point where they are picking up a dictionary to understand half of what I am saying.

Planting seeds is actually easier because of the type of book I am writing. As previously mentioned, this work will explore other aspects of the characters lives not previously looked at. I find myself wanting to skip certain parts to get to those that I have outlined in greater detail. Some of the chapters are also providing more of an emotional benefit to me than others.

That being said, I have an offer from another reader to proof some of my newer work which is always welcome. I doubt that I will be offering first drafts for proofing as a ton of changes generally take place from 1st to 2nd draft. Hopefully this will get easier and I will being to push through this chapter.

Synchronicity

While the first book definitely had a handful of synchronized moments that were never truly meant to sync up in any formal way, I have decided to continue to explore this interesting and not often studied phenomenon. I liked the feel it gave to a couple of scenes in the last story so I want to see how far I can take the concept without it making the story seem to stylized and hokey.

For those of you that are unaware of what Synchronicity is, I will reference Wikipedia: Synchronicity is the experience of two or more events, that are apparently causally unrelated or unlikely to occur together by chance, that are observed to occur together in a meaningful manner.

Some may try to form a relationship between Synchronicity and irony, trying to see them as the same thing. However, they are both independent of each other and have different meanings. While irony is usually seen as an unexpected occurrence or result somehow related to a particular happening, Synchronicity is the coming together of events that, while unrelated, appear to provide a singular meaning as they seemingly mesh together to provide one outcome. Some people have looked upon this subject as a sort of ESP or intuition. I will provide an example from the book.

In one particular scene, the character Emily is sitting on a bench outside of the store where the character John works. John is off that day, yet Emily is still there, thinking about him. John, who happened to be near his job on that day, decides to go by to see how things are going at the store. As he approaches the shop, he sees his friend Emily sitting on the bench. While neither of them expected to see the other there that day, somehow they both managed to be there not only that day, but also at the same time. You can see this sort of occurrence as coincidence, but you also have to wonder about the math involved: what were the chances that Emily, who knew John wasn't working that day would be there at the exact time that John would just happen to think about going to the store to check on his co-workers be? Also, at that time in the story, Emily and John are having a very difficult time concerning one another so the likelihood that they would run into each other was very low. They both knew that they needed to eventually see each other to work things out, but hadn't figured out a way to see to its happening. Given the circumstances, it's hard to call this simply a coincidence. One might even call it fate.

Synchronicity.

Maybe they were supposed to have met that day in front of his store so that they could find a way to solve their personal problems with each other. The meaning behind the meeting is quite evident, however no plans were made to meet in that way, and there lies your meaningful manner.

I am looking to use this in my next work which is already in chapter two. I am also looking to use other literary tricks as well, seeing as how my first book was relatively straightforward in manner. I want to get this work out as soon as I can as I am very eager to complete the story which is already finished in my head.

 

 

No Cheers or Fanfair

Buy Rumbling Heart @ Barnes and Noble

Today, a dream that I've dreamed since I was young finally came to fruition. I have , on my own, written, edited, and released a book, completely of my own creation. While I admit I am not Hemingway when it comes to writing novels, I would like to think he would have looked over my book, gave it a good once over and said to me "That a decent start, kid. Keep writing." Unfortunately, Ernest isn't alive to give me such positive feedback, so I am having to look elsewhere for readers and honest opinions.

I know I'm not some amazing writer who is going to change the world. Hell, I may not even make you think twice about rereading my book once you have it in your possession, but I hope I can at least entertain you and stimulate your mind, if even for just a few nights while you make it through my novel. I've spent countless hours and many late nights working on the words and the text and the idea behind my work just so I can make it as perfect as I can just so I can release and look at it and tell myself that I did it. I really did it.

I cannot say how many times I've broken down in tears while writing and editing this book as many of the supposedly fictional scenes do have real life events intertwined in them, many of which I would rather forget, but for reasons I cannot understand, never seem to leave my thoughts.

I am sick and I know I am. That shouldn't keep me from leaving a mark on this world though. I keep telling myself every single time I wake in the morning that I should give it at least one more go around, just one more try. Just one more try before I cash in my chips. Just one more try before I call off the search. Just one one more try before I hear my exit music begin to play.

I am putting a lot on the line here and I am done hiding behind a fake smile and false positive emotions. I hide it all from everyone, even my family. They see me and they think I am ok, when I know I am not. For all I know, maybe they know I'm not ok and that's why they keep me around. I still cannot shake those events from December of 2009 and it haunts me every single day. It will always haunt me, but it will not define me. I want to leave a mark, a legacy before it's all said and done with. With these characters I've created, I hope to do just that.

John, Olivia, Emily, The Chris's, Donna, Stella, Paul, Audrey...they are all a part of me in ways many of you will never understand. While they all, within my work, define what it is to be human, they also show us a side which I wish we could all live up to. While we move through our daily routines and go to our jobs, raise our children, go to our schools, we all, if even for a short moment in time, wish we could be the best person we could possibly be. We all wish the person we were at our best would never leave. We all wish to be the greatest parents to our children. We all wish to be the children that we know would make our parents proud. We all wish to be the husbands and wives, girlfriends and boyfriends that our partners have always wanted. We all wish to be the best friends we could be, letting our friends know that they could come to us for anything and at anytime and never be judged. However, we all know that this isn't how the world really works.

In the real world, we seem to casually wade through our lives, looking out only for ourselves and never looking back to see the people that we've stepped over to get to our final destination. While some of you read this, you all will surely say to yourself "Well, I've never done that...," but sadly, we all have. We get angry over things that do not matter. We sweat the small stuff. We yell at our kids and our friends and our spouses. People lose their jobs and are forced out of school. Parent's abandon their kids and children disappoint their parents. Our friends get into that car even though we know they've had to much to drink, and yes...sometimes our friends lose control of their car and destroy a family on New Year's Eve.

It's been said that we are the sum of all the people we've ever known in our lives and maybe that's why I am still going. Maybe that's why I'm still writing. Although I cannot remember many things from my childhood, there is still something pushing me to write and to speak and to talk about what I cannot recall. Maybe this was the way it was supposed to be. Maybe I was supposed to die when I was a child. Maybe I was supposed to die when my ex wife held that gun to my head, and maybe I was supposed to swallow all those pills in 2009 while all those voices steadily urged me to kill myself.

I release a book, and with it, I release myself. I release all those feelings that were supposed to have died within my trembling soul all those years ago. I know that this was what I was meant to do in this life. For so many years, I asked myself "What's this life for?" Now I know. It was to think and to feel and to smile and to laugh and to hurt and to cry and in so many ways, I've already loved more than I could possibly love in an entire lifetime, but I've also died a thousand deaths.

Each night, just me and my keyboard, the pain bleeds out of my hands as I write. All of those long nights have finally produced something of value. And with no cheers and no fan fair, I present to the world my Rumbling Heart.

Synopsis - Rumbling Heart

Here is the synopsis I came up with for my book. This is what will appear on both the Amazon and Barns and Noble listing. As soon as the purchase links are available, I will post them. Some of you may already notice the updated links to the blog. While I am getting things set, the book is not yet available, but will be in the next day or so. Enjoy.

Rumbling Heart Synopsis

After escaping the clutches of his abusive ex-wife, John finds himself living a rather dreary and reclusive life in Eureka, California. By choice, he works at a menial job where he gets paid very little, and barely makes ends meet. One day he comes home after quitting his job during an altercation with his boss to find a strange note taped to his door, instructing him to check his email. Letting his curiosity get the best of him, he checks to find an email waiting for him from the international conglomerate known simply as The Company. The email offers him a chance to secure employment with one of the most employee friendly companies on earth so without delay, he replies to the email and provides The Company with all of his personal information. Within minutes, he is contacted by phone and an interview is setup. As he gets additional information about the company, he is told about all the benefits he will reap once he is employed. One such benefit is so bold and unique that is takes him completely by surprise and because of it, he is eventually introduced to an emotionally odd, yet adorably quirky woman named Anna who is also employed by The Company.

As their friendship progresses, John is forced to look inside himself and reexamine his life as he and Anna’s relationship begins to morph and change into something much more than he expected. Weary of getting close to anyone, John struggles with his past, but ultimately decides to try to open himself up to new things, but little does he know, his new companion is hiding something from him that will rock the foundation of their friendship and send him into a tailspin of emotion.

He also unexpectedly grows closer to the beautiful and intelligent Human Resources manager Emily, his first contact within the company, who appears to have only his best interests at heart. As he begins to trust the bold and confident Emily with more, he finds that she too may not be who she seems. Soon, John finds himself in a minefield of mystery and deceit and over time, he finds he must either deal with the gatekeepers of secrecy or devolve into lunacy as his past continues to haunt his thoughts and his life.

[caption id="attachment_760" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="Cover"][/caption]

Truth and Consequences

So telling the truth in this day and age can get you killed...but then I guess it's always been like that. While I am not involved in a situation with millions of dollars at stake, I do have to admit that while I know I did the right thing, I was the only one to get in any sort of trouble for it. Be that as it may, I am still not done talking. It pains me to see how people can be so conniving and ruthless as long as it doesn't have any effect on them or their loved ones. It also pains me to see that while damage in some cases can be mitigated, regardless of how much preparation you have, you can still get hurt.

When a woman I know goes off and starts wrecking not only good relationships, but homes where there are children involved, that is where I step back and dismiss this person as my friend. If it were simply a misunderstanding, I can buy that maybe one time. However, by the 4th time, it's an obvious pattern. This woman has no moral compass and she doesn't care who she hurts to get what she wants. She reminds me of a woman I used to have in my life just by her actions: she wants people to control.

Obviously there is only so much I can do. I did what i felt needed to be done and I blew the whistle. I let the current target know of her previous actions and what she is probably planning for him. While I am a 33 year old man and did manage to see through her ruse in a reasonable amount of time, her new target is that of an 18 year old kid; a mere child in comparison when it comes to wisdom. I was nice to him and never once spoke down to him while I spoke my peace. He, in return, was a decent fellow and noticed that I was only looking out for his own good, but as with most 18 year olds who think they know it all, my advisements were supposedly dismissed.

As a way to display her control over this young man, I received mocking text messages as she thought i sought to break them apart. One such message states:

"Yes and still he sat up with me till he thought I was ok...probably not what you wanted huh. he thought you were mean. lol again not what you wanted huh."

Stupidity is playing a role here and luckily she has little to no brain. As i stated earlier, it was never my intention to break them apart, but simply to place an idea in his head; an idea of what the truth really is. I know he has heard the same story I told him the other night before and while he keeps the strong face on, I know this kid is having second thoughts on the inside. The doubt has been planted. Sure, she may be happy thinking she has complete control over him, but i believe however long it lasts, he will always have that story poking at his conscience.

You can only here the exact same story from so many different people till you have to believe there is some truth there.

The truth has come out and if he cannot see, I can only hope he doesn't let himself get too deeply involved. On the other end of the spectrum though he may try his hardest to get closer to her now, which I knew was a possibility; after all, he is a kid.

So I say to this kid good luck and I sincerely wish you the best. I hope you are able to see through the ruse the same as I was.

Dying

When someone comes out and tells you they are dying and they don't give a damn about life anymore, it makes you wonder: why the hell are you even telling me then if you truly don't care anymore? How can you say something like that to someone and then give no other details? I am obviously not the most stable person on earth, but at least I don't screw around with people like that. That is the worse thing you can possibly do to someone who gives a damn about you. Why even tell me then? Why not just go off and die then and not ever tell anyone why? It seems to me you DO still care and you are just looking to make everyone else feel as miserable as you do because of your cancer diagnosis. Well you know what, that's very fucked up.

We've all been sick, some of us more severely than others, but in the times when I was ill at least I had the decency to tell my friends what i was sick from. At least then they were in the loop as far as what was going on. I never screamed fire in a theater, then didn't stick around to show them where the smoke was coming from. That's the most screwed up thing you can do. How dare you pull a guilt trip like that on me, then expect for me NOT to ask about what's going on.

If you want to run off somewhere and die alone, there is nothing I can do to stop that. Luckily some of us have a choice on how we want to die. Others do not. I suppose those of us who can choose our demise should die the way we want to. If you want to die alone and bitter at life just because you got cancer, then go ahead. If you want to hide it all from us, then fine. If you want to be forgotten and not leave some sort of legacy, it's your choice.

You want all that? Fine. Then go die. You want to push everyone away? Fine, go die. At least when i go I can say that I tried until I couldn't try anymore. I can look at my life and say that I left my mark. Whether people appreciate it or not, only time will tell. You on the other hand, if you think this is the way to go, obviously nothing I say will change your mind so go on and do it.

Go Die.

Caroline Lufkin's Verdugo Hills

A short time ago, I did a quick review of Caroline Lufkin's 2006 album Murmurs. It's only fitting that I now do one on her latest record Verdugo Hills which was released January 25th, 2011. As with her previous record, Caroline stays close to her slower tempo and whisper-like voice roots with this record, providing a harmonious and pleasing sound while delivering the goods as far as quality.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Caroline's Verdugo Hills"][/caption]

Diving right in, the opening track "Balloons" gives you a feeling of listlessness as you are slowly lifted off your feet by Caroline's haunting and caressing voice, a very slow drum beat releasing you of your stressful day. The song is rather short, clocking in at only 1 minute and 16 seconds, but it's clear that it's not meant to make much of an impression beyond the fact that it prepares you for what's to come later in the record.

The second track is, by far, the sweet and heart warming Caroline that we all know and love. Starting with a wispy and ghost like voice, "Swimmer" explores your inner most feelings as its slow tempo and complementing lyrics wrap their soul around you and pull you onto an imaginary dance floor, compelling you to move along with them. Caroline's voice doesn't plead with you to join her, but you begin to feel that if you don't, you will miss out on the solace and serenity she brings to the proposed meeting. As the track wraps up, you feel the urge to have her continue singing, only you know that this kind of exuberance cannot last forever.

Track 10 is another that doesn't fail to deliver classic Caroline, but this time with a little more than you expect. With some of her songs, Caroline, at times, seems like a minimalist when it comes to her voice. You feel as if she were holding back from you so that she would be able to impress you with her light and satisfying voice without giving it all away too soon. Occasionally, she does purposely bring a little more for you to yearn for. "Gone" is just such a track where she offers you more flexibility in respect to her vocal talent. The song is also more up tempo which also lends reverence to her ability to offer more than just a few airy-voiced slow songs. While it is still very much a Caroline song, it lets you know that she is willing to go to a few different areas musically so that she can offer her listeners more variety and prove that she isn't some one-trick pony.

While I do appreciate her obviously singing ability, the song "Waltz" offers very little of it as far as quantity. Lending her voice to the track for only a handful of lines forces you to appreciate the tune itself and the music quality. The few times we hear her voice is pleasing, but it's absence, at times, leaves you feeling empty and slightly unfulfilled. Knowing how distinctive her voice is, I am sure Caroline purposely selected it's pronounced absence from the song, asking her audience to really give credit to the music used and not just her vocals.

Looking back and re-listening to Murmurs  definitely lets me know that Caroline, in a musical sense, is still the same woman she was in 2006. She does expand upon her original idea though, leaving you with a strong sense of satisfaction for purchasing Verdugo Hills. While I have listened to her 2008 release of the Murmurs remixes, I still find the original much more pleasing to the ear, but that is simply my personal preference as I have grown so fond of her voice. With Caroline, I find myself appreciating her work though so I do still, from time to time, listen to the remixes. I will however say that her vocals in some of those tunes is so choppy it takes away from what I love about her the most.

If you haven't done so already, definitely check her out on iTunes and Amazon and give her a listen. If you haven't heard the track "Swimmer," I have included a link to her song on youtube so give her a listen when you have the time. You may find that she will, with a single song, change your taste in music.

Acknowledgments

So since my date of release is looming, I decided to get together my acknowledgments page and I am trying to think of all the people who have helped me in getting this project off the ground and kept me inspired through its development. Some people are very obvious while others I am still trying to nail down. I am not putting people in it just to appease friends or family. I am looking for those who have offered some sincere insight into what I have been trying to do.

Looking back to the end of October when I just opened up Word and started writing with no real purpose, things have changed a great deal and some people have played a role in the completion of my book. It saddens me to think that there have actually been 2-3 people who have looked down on me not only for writing, but even for going back to school. I kept thinking to myself how awful their lives must be to find nothing better to do that to try and tear someone's dream down and make them feel as if they will never accomplish anything. Well, I am happy to say to those few people who hated on me...KISS MY ASS.

In less than a month, my dream of putting my work out there for people to read is going to come true, and to be honest, I don't care if i sell just a measly 10 copies. I will be happy to be read by any and all readers, and if my work can leave even the slightest impact, I will feel as if I have accomplished my goal. It's not often that people can see a life dream come to fruition, but I am thankful that it will for me. Obviously, any money I make off the project will be welcomed as I am still just a poor college student. I never expected to get rich off of this; all I wanted was to be heard.

Well, as the day draws closer, I am clearing my throat and hoping for the best. That being said, even if the best doesn't happen, I will never stop writing...I can't stop writing. My mind will never rest. I have accepted that. It is the reason I cannot sleep. I wake in the middle of the night after maybe an hour's rest and cannot help but turn on my computer and write until my fingers tingle with pain and fatigue. And the few hours I am able to sleep, the dreams never stop coming. They haunt me and speak to me and the voices carry on like a choir of musing. The inspiration surrounds me from all sides as if i am being pursued by a ghost of ideas as it desperately pleads with me to share it's ideas with the world.

I will always be that outcast and I will always be different from everyone else, and now I know why. I am who I am and I write what I feel, and the voices in my head will not rest. Ever. My legacy will be intertwined with my creations, and through my work, they and I will live forever.

Master Document Done...Mostly

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Masterful Document!"][/caption]

All the chapters are in and 99% of the formatting is complete. I have just a couple of more items to add in till its complete. Great thing is after i get it all set...I get to read the whole thing all over again for like the 87th time. Hooray!

It is nice to finally have it though and all this time I've put into it will hopefully pay off. If it doesn't...guess it's back to the lab again. I still feel its a very good story and the plot has terrific twists and turns along the way. I did purposely wrap in some allegory to give people a little something to think about. I hope it will, at the very least, entertain. I like to think that the characters are dynamic enough to allow for some of my readers to relate to them. Each of them have their own unique set of circumstances so I think there is a little something for most people in it.

2nd Revision on All Chapters - Complete

In what has seemingly been a marathon of revising, I finally finished going through all chapters and finished making major corrections. Those chapters in the master document, which already had a third look, are about to get a forth as I was able to see a few errors I somehow managed to miss in the revision which placed them in the master document. While I have no plans on tearing apart the master, I do think going through all of them one last time would be a good idea.

I am getting a little anxious now as I realize that the finish line is definitely in sight. While it will not be released to any real praise or fan fair, I will finally be able to say that I worked on and completed a true novel, 100% on my own. All I can hope for is that I will make a modest amount on its sales. I have no real expectation money wise, thinking I will just be thrilled to be read at all. I don't expect people to like the book cover to cover, but i hope the story will touch them in someway, if even for a moment.