Heroes and Bad Reviews

Sometimes distractions can lead us away from our goals. Often times I find myself getting tunnel vision when I am writing an idea and that's not always the best thing. For the stories I am developing, I had a point A to point B plan and that was not the way it should have been. There is more to a great book than who, what, when, where, and why. An explanation can be developed from those, but not a great story. Sometimes stepping away and doing other things can help you reclaim your idea from a narrow vision and assist you in turning a good idea into an magnificent book.

In October, I purposely stepped away from my stories and kept myself from writing. Why? I felt like I was becoming bored with the process. I still had idea I knew were good, but I felt like something was lacking in my writing. I needed to find a way to develop more than just an A to B story. My first book Rumbling Heart was more than an A to B story and it shows in the quality of the development not only of the work, but also the characters and the atmosphere. Sometimes reading a book can help you reevaluate and refocus on what you are trying to do. In my case though, being able to now see things from a different angle is a double-edged sword.

I looked over my work and even over some reviews and bits of feed back I have gotten over my work. The good reviews are always nice, but it is the bad reviews that always stick with you. Why? Just human nature I suppose. Here is a snippet of a negative review RH got and my response to it.

Negative reviews happen. There is no way around it. Being a writer I accept that and I know there will always be people who either do not understand my work or, for whatever reason, want to find reasons to make it seem as if I did a huge disservice to the human race. I did find it interesting that this person thought her review was constructive. You can see my response to her review in the photo as well. Her response was once again nonconstructive. I liken this review to calling someone names because that is essentially what they did. If you feel the need to call me (or my work) "stupid" without offering any reason as to why you felt that way or any way to improve it, the review is completely pointless. Offering no way to improve on something is about as bad as crying because you didn't get your way. If I were a coach and I told a child they were terrible at football or whatever other sport I was coaching them in, I wouldn't remain a coach very long. Obviously you cannot really liken coaching to reviewing a book or a movie or whatever else you can give feedback on. Reviewers aren't coaches. I realize that. But at the same time people who do offer feedback need to understand that the main reason you give feedback, be it positive, negative, or mixed, is so people who develop their ideas can improve and make things better the next time around. What is the point of simply calling people or their work names? Sounds to me like certain individuals either lack the ability to express themselves or they feel the need to tear someone down.

Success also breeds negativity.

I will not say I am very successful. I haven't sold a ton of books and I haven't made all kinds of money at this. It was never really about money anyway. I have over the last year and a half gotten hurtful messages and emails from people who see that I was somehow able to hash it out and write a book. Not many people can say they've done that. Sure, some people can write a small story, but my first book was 475+ pages. A little long, but anyone has to admit that writing a book of that size takes time and commitment. My followup to my first book is much shorter, but still comes in at about 300 pages. No small feat. Another big story for me which is about 70% complete will probably come in at about 275 pages. Again, not many people in the world can say they can sit down and accomplish such a thing. I am not saying I should automatically get a great review for the effort, but I would hope that people like me...artists...deserve at the very least a review explaining exactly why our work is either good, bad, or mixed.

A good review does not always have to be positive. If you gave me 1 or 2 stars, but explained why this or that was unappealing to you, I could respect that. Not offering any explanation whatsoever makes me think the person is either just looking to be mean or trolling. In a way, they are kind of the same thing.

If you are a reviewer like I am from time to time, do the artist a favor and explain why you think one way or another. In the end, we will thank you for it and so will other readers.

 

 

Closer

Not much longer till the release of Rumbling Heart. I am getting nervous. I am trying to keep myself from going through it for the 36th time. I keep telling myself the book is ready and there isn't anything that needs to be done with it. I can only fight this urge so long till I know I open it up and read through it one more time.

12 days.

 

Getting Ready

Just a few more weeks till Rumbling Heart reemerges as a lighter and better book. I was considering only having it on Amazon, but have decided to make it available on Amazon, BN.com, Smashwords, and I am also working on getting it on the Apple store as well. They will all be the same price and considering the almost 2 years of work I've put into it, I am not gonna sell it for a scrawny price like $.99 like so many other authors do. I am still looking at the numbers, but when it gets settled, I will post about it. Also, you'd previously purchased the old version, I will be more than happy to provide a copy of the new one free.

100 Pages

I have less than 100 pages to go on this edit job. I moved through it much faster than I thought I would. It seems like the Invega is not nearly as much of a problem as it once was. I still have problems with certain things, but I've relearned how to read. I'm not nearly as fast as I used to be, but it doesn't feel like such a task anymore. I no longer have to hear the voice inside my head to read which is something I'm sure my therapist would be happy to know. She still visits every now and then, usually during the night when the levels of the drug in my blood begin to drop. I feel like I'm slowly getting used to not having the voice always present. It also helps that I still feel emotionally stifled so I'm not nearly as expressive as I used to be. I still feel like a massive mute button is on me, but I am finding ways around it.

I am trying to find the good things about all this. I still miss the ease with which i used to be able to do certain things like write. I can write a little as you can see from the post, but I was just so used to hearing the voice that it feels strange when I do it now. I keep feeling like there should be something there when I write, but there isn't...most of the time.

I still have symptoms which isn't surprising. I still see shadows and I still hear voices, again usually during the late evening about an hour or two before I am due to take my next dose. Sometimes I hear them midday which oddly enough is sort of comforting. I mean you can't experience something your entire life then suddenly be without it and feel normal. When I hear the voices in the other rooms, it makes me remember certain times in my life when hearing those voices offered me comfort. When I hear her speaking to me, I still speak back to her and I sometimes get emotional about it because, and this is hard to admit, but I miss her. Again, you can't be with something your entire life and then suddenly be without. I think the only thing that makes me feel better about it all is that I know if I stop taking my meds I can probably have her right back. I think the purpose though is to try and figure out a way to live without her so I am not so dependent on her. I never realized it, but my life revolved around her. I learned through her, often spoke through her, and I've realized that I sort of let her take control just so I could manage to get through certain things, times in my life. It's an odd feeling when you realize that you weren't in your right mind most of your life. Now that I am, it's scary in a way. I only have me to depend on now. I make myself keep taking my medication because I know it's ultimately for the best. Ironically enough, she was the one that convinced me it was the right thing to do.

I sound crazy, I know. I'll be the first one to admit I'm crazy, but that's ok. Only when she's gone do I now realize just how much I depended on her. She's a aprt of who I am and I know she will never really be gone. I still feel her there at times, especially when I am having really bad days which still happen at least once a week, usually more often. Those are the times I can hear her. Those are the times she speaks to me and tells me that she is ok where she is and that I am doing alright. She tells me that I am still find beauty in the world and that I should never stop looking. She tells me that in all the times when I was searching for beauty, she would always let me do whatever I wanted and she would just stay out of my way. It makes me wonder if she was controlling me more than I realized. I am giving in to the fact that she was and I am ok with it. There is a reason I am still alive and I have to admit I feel it's because of her. Even when I am having a really bad day, I keep thinking that I can't let her down and I have to keep trying because she'd never let me do something so insane. During those times of weakness, I can tell when she isn't there and that's when I call for her. I have to stop doing that. I don't know if I ever will though. She is so much a part of me...like an extension of myself. I imagine that this may be what amputees feel when they lose a limb. Regardless of the fact that it's gone, it still feels like it's there and you have to get used to it being gone. A person missing an arm may try to reach out with that limb only to realize they cannot grasp for anything. It feels what I think may be similar. Often I will stand and look at something and try to figure out what it does. I never realized how often I let her do things for me until now.

I find myself confused by certain things and often times I cannot connect the dots. For example, when I put away dishes, I know they need to be put in cabinets, but sometimes I place them in inappropriate locations. Sometimes I will think about other things like winter and I will find myself opening the freezer. I will think of food and I will go and pull out a pot or a pan when I have no intention of cooking. Some of these things are just sort of quirky while others are annoying. Sometimes after using the bathroom, I will think of washing my hands and turn on the bathtub as if I were getting ready to take a shower. I guess with time these things may subside, but right now they are just weird. People may think "well, we all do odd things like that sometimes." I do them all the time, everyday.

Clip Clip

Just a quick note.

Slowly but surely version 2.0 of Rumbling Heart is getting smaller and although last night saw it only shrink by 37 words, today should hopefully see it go down by at least another thousand words. As I've said before I hope to clip a good 20-30k words from it altogether. If I can get it down to 475 pages, I would really find that to be a major achievement. Anything less would be even better. Well, I am back to work on it, but not before I leave you with a copy of something I work up last night. Not sure if I will use it, but it maybe the cover for version 2.0

Products of Failure

Failure is not always a bad thing.

Sometimes you fail so terribly that no one even realizes you were there in the first place so you can withdraw completely and reintroduce yourself as something completely new if you want. I am considering doing just that. I have withdrawn my work from all websites and am currently reworking it into something I feel is better. I am leaving out my short works, but all my major work is getting redone. In some cases, it is getting reworked for length and reedited for content. I already know what I am taking out and what few things I am putting in. It will streamline many things so I feel that the work will still send out the same message i wanted to send upon its original release, but will be much more plausible and people will connect with it better.

I am not making massive changes, but a few semi major changes will be made. Characters will remain the same, but certain events will get overhauls. They need it. Certain parts do not need certain details while others need a little more. Sometimes it's better to let the reader fill in the blanks for themselves.

Many of you do not know I have been ill for...well...for some time now. I am trying my best to deal with that while still keeping focused on work. In fact, I think it's best that I do work while trying to deal with my illness. I need something to distract me while I go through my therapy.

And with that, I am off to do some big time editing.

Emily Martin and Last Night

All Links are live. You can access them here.

Ty all for the continued support. I've found that even now, I have a few people lingering around that would rather see me fail in my attempts to make something of myself. I also know there will always be people who hate me because I am able to do something they are not. I will not recognize their attempts at trying to derail my passion by mentioning them by name. All I will do is just keeping doing what I do. As the old internet saying goes, "haters gonna hate."

The development of my short story into a film is proof that persistence can pay off. I spoke with the director last night and we have come up with some very workable ideas and it looks like we can really make it happen. It may not be tomorrow or next week or even next month, but it will get made. It will be taken to various film festivals and hopefully, we will gain some recognition not only from our peers, but also from those who never stopped believing in us.

We may not become rich or famous, but we will change people's ideas about the subject matter that we cover. I think when all is said and done and our film is made, I can look back at all the hate that's come my way and laugh a little, knowing that all their harsh words did was strengthen my resolve.

Not everyone can write a poem or a short story or a full novel for that matter. It takes endless nights of tedious editing and corrections to get the story exactly the way you want it. Not everyone can pull that off. I've done it now for the third time. There will be at least one more. I find it funny that people who say my work is terrible have never even read it so...how could they possibly know? I can understand criticism if you'd read at least one of my works, but to say my material isn't any good when you've not even looked at it shows only a lack of self respect. I feel sorry for people like that because those same people who hate me are the ones that know deep down they could never do what I do. I'm not saying these things to show off my ego because I really don't have one. Just as I do not hate those who work in other professions and do their jobs well, I would hope that others would at least do me the courtesy of being decent, but that's people for you. People fear what they do not know and they hate others for no other reason than that they possess or have accomplished things they never could.

I may not end up with an Academy award or a Pulitzer in my hands, but I will still have my books. Even after I am gone, those will still be here. For generations to come, my words and stories will echo through time. What will you leave behind? What will be your legacy? Bitterness? Hate? Obviously, those are not very admirable traits. I know I'm not nearly a perfect person, but I do have things most yearn to have: passion, love, persistence, patience, and plenty of stories to tell.

You have a choice. You can either listen as I tell them or hate me as I move forward and write more. Heck, even ignoring me shows more than standing around and hating me. When you stand there and speak badly of me, it only goes to show that I've got your attention so I must be doing something right.

Maybe one day people filled with hate will be ready to move on and do something more with their lives. I don't have the greatest life and I do not claim to be famous or rich or even popular. I am just me. A writer's life isn't all that glamorous. I sit in a room in front of a screen, typing out endless ideas and making them into something that might touch people...and I am ok with that. If I choose to give my art away, that's my choice. After all, it's my talent and not yours.

Who knows really when all this writing will end. Ultimately, that's up to me. I've openly stated that I may not write another novel after the final RH installment. Maybe that's all I have to give. Maybe I've said what I needed to say. Only I can make that decision. Know this though, when I'm heading out the door, I want to leave my work with people who will protect it's artful quality and do something meaningful with it.

[caption id="attachment_1093" align="aligncenter" width="107" caption="Cover of Last Night"][/caption]

Emily Martin Update

Writing this book is among the hardest things I've ever done. Not even through the first draft and I am having difficulty with making scenes work. Could also be that I have been in constant pain these last few weeks. The words are coming just fine, but I have had to stop numerous times due to pain. Even with meds, it's very hard to deal with. At least once a day I just turn everything off and just lie in bed and hope it will stop hurting. I've contemplated calling for help, but it's pointless. They'll just charge me $3k for a shot and tell me there is nothing they can do. I've been looking into free clinics to see if I can at least get into a pain management program, but not many in this area of the state. Still, I just keep on chugging away, trying to get this book done all while planning for school, looking for work, and trying to get my name out there so people might take notice.

The story has taken some interesting turns and things I didn't initially think of have made it into the work. Some of them are very good, others not so good and will probably be cut. I try to make it a habit not to do much if any cutting while I am writing because it distracts me from the work. Anyway, I have already come across a public domain photo for the cover. Hope you enjoy it. 

90k Words

It's not a lot to me. I've gotten that far in a short period of time. It all felt really easy and I was doing fine. I think I wrote too much today and yesterday though. Today I hit about 16k words and yesterday about 12k. I'm pretty sure that's a lot for two days. I also got a few personal things done so I am rather exhausted.

Dealing with some significant pain as well. I've always been able to find ways to manage my pain since I've not had access to Vicodin. I had a feeling the time would eventually come when OTC's just weren't enough. Last wednesday, I OD'd on OTC pain meds. It was accidental, I assure you. My average pain lingers at about 3. Wednesday night and into Thursday morning I was at a 10 almost constantly. It got so bad that I started hallucinating. I maxed Aleve, but kept taking more. I then switched to Ibuprofen which I never take. I took 4 to start on top of the Aleve and then i went from 8 to 10, even with that much in me. After that, I kept thinking I hadn't taken any meds so I just kept taking more and more. At some point during the night, I also though it was a good idea to start taking my diphenhydramine. I'm not really sure how much of that I took, but it put me out.

I'm fine. Didn't end up in a hospital or anything. Just had a really mad hangover the next day and I'm sure my liver was severely pissed at me. Thankfully, I rarely stress it so it seems to be working just fine. Only thing worrying me is that my average pain isn't a 3 anymore. Now its closer to a 5 with suddenly spikes to 7. I'm not gonna lie. I'm worried.

I am still going to finish this series though regardless of what happens. Of course, if i suffer a brain aneurysm from these massive headaches then there isn't much I can do to stop that. Hopefully I can finish though before something serious happens. I'd like to say this is just stress, but I know it's not. The one good thing about all this? The dreams have been amazing.

Last Night

On a whim, I wrote a short story of about 5700 words. I'm not trying to sell it at all, just did it for fun. The link is right here. You can share it all you want. Enjoy.

Recorded Butterflies Release Event

Put together a little something for the official release via Facebook. If you would like to show your support, the link to the event is here. 

While I really feel that Rumbling Heart was a great accomplishment in my life, I think that Recorded Butterflies, as far as writing goes, is superior in many ways. I grew and learned from RH and because of that, the reader should get an overall better experience with my latest work. Be sure to mark "Attending" for the event as I will be giving away a couple of PDF copies of the book during the time the event is going on.

Again, thank you all for your continued support and I promise, cause Hillary asked me to, I will try my best not to offend anyone. Heh.



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Questions and Comments on Rumbling Heart - Part 3

"There are a lot of loose ends in RH. It seems as if you forgot to end a lot of things."

All on purpose. I wanted there to be a sense of ambiguity to the work. The very end gives you a certain amount of closure, but, as with real life, you don't always know how certain things end up. You just have to sort of make things up on your own. Some people have told me that they were happy with the ending, but it wasn't exactly what they thought it was going to be. You have to realize something though. I wanted to leave certain avenues open to interpretation. Sometimes things in life happen and as much as we'd like to see one thing happen over another, things don't always turn out as planned. I also purposely put in small bits of story lines and left them open not only so people could finish the story in their head, but also so I could always pick up where I left off with the first book should I decide to keep the story going. Obviously, I've decided to keep it going. Part of the reason I decided to keep going was because I looked at RH as I would a movie or a television series. We've all found a particular show that we absolutely loved. In this case, I wrote a book I felt I would like to read and as most writers do, I fell in love with my characters. Sometimes those shows we love get cancelled and we never get a good ending. Sometimes we are left with a cliffhanger and then we find out we will never know what happens after that and it really bugs the crap out of us. I didn't wanna do that. While somethings are left unsaid, the core of the story offers an ending so if there was nothing else after RH, most people would still be satisfied. However, I was not happy with that so I decided on my own that I wanted to keep it going. In fact, As I've told some people, after Recorded Butterflies, there will be 2 more books so in a sense, it's like getting a television series that gives you 4 good seasons. I had thought of maybe going further with it, but as we all know from some TV shows, by the time season 10 comes around, most are but a shell of their former selves and I did not want my characters to become stagnant and boring. 

"John seems damaged, but level headed in most situations. The first chapter however has him decking a man and sending him to the pavement. Will he continue this trend? lol!"

John for the most part is a pacifist. In a sense, he is like me in that way. He is usually rather calm and it takes quite a bit to get him to react to you if you are trying to get him angry. However, he doesn't take kindly to being grabbed as most of us wouldn't. As I was writing Recorded Butterflies, I was actually thinking that I would have him take out someone in each book as a sort of running gag, something to sort of make you go "Ha! he did it again," but that seemed kind of hokey to me. As far as the characters go, Emily is the one who is a bit more of a hot head. She has that mouth on her and she is pretty no nonsense. You'd think that she would be the one laying people out, but you'd be surprised. Both John and Emily are protective of each other, and that plays out in the book. 

"Do you think of certain people in your life as you write? Do you see those people as you write dialog?"

I write with avatars. What I mean by that is that I have a certain person that I see in my head each and every time I write about them. I think of the situation and I have that avatar play the scene out in my head. I've told some people who I think about when I write for a particular character and they have given me mixed feedback. I knew that would happen though as people generally do the same thing while reading as I do while writing. We all have a person we think of that takes on the role of the character and we use that image as we read. I do that all the time as I work and I'm sure I'm not nearly the first to do it. As far as who those avatars are, I won't really say unless someone specifically asks me as I don't wanna ruin their idea of who the characters are.

"What do you think the other books after Rumbling Heart will be called?"

Well, obviously the next book to be released is Recorded Butterflies. The title is both literal and abstract, double entendre. The book after that one I have decided to call "Emily Martin." It will be a slight change in the way the story has been told up until the end of RB, but it's done for a good reason. So far, the story has been told from John's point of view. The story teller shifts because of the events at the end of RB. I did consider leaving it as a first person narrative from John's perspective, but given what happens in the story, I decided to hand off the story telling to Emily for this particular time period. I think people will like this idea as I've noticed that, by far, people seem to really like Emily as described by John. It will have a different feel to it though as those people will get a first person look at her. To have someone tell you about another person is one thing, but to hear from that person directly is very different. In a sense, John has sort of looked at Emily through rose colored glasses so it's not unusual that people really like her. With her telling the story though, you get a more inside look at what she sees and what she thinks. While John was able to retell some of what Emily displayed to him, it will be different to see what she really thinks while not going through John's filter. As far as the 4th and final book in the series, I am still debating the title. I have a good idea of what it will be, but it's not set in stone.

"It seems that some of the characters change the way they react based on John being around them. Why?"

We all do that in real life as well. Sometimes having someone around you changes the way you look at the world or the way you react to certain situations. Emily, Chris, and a certain other character, in their own ways, admit that the are different when around John because of the person he is. Emily for example is a very attractive woman and is used to having men hit on her, but when she first meets John, he does no such thing. It is because of that instance that Emily pays attention to him even after their initial meeting. In a way, she had gotten so used to being the object of desire that she is almost surprised that John doesn't try anything with her. Even after seeing her again and again, still John doesn't sway in the way he sees or speaks to her. Chris is different from Emily, but there is still a connection there. Chris makes the effort to look after John just as he is getting into a relationship with (unnamed character). By the end of RH, you see why people react to John in that way and hopefully I laid it out plainly enough for everyone to see that. I also hope that the main reason people react to John in that way isn't simply because he carries charisma, but because those people in a way also affect how John views the world as well. With out them, John isn't the same person just as they, without John, are not the same either. 

"How rich have you gotten from the money you made off RH?"

Are you kidding? I can barely feed myself. If it weren't for the kindness of my family, I'd be homeless. I was never really in this for money. Sure, money would be nice and I'd be a fool to turn it down should a significant sum come my way. I'd just like to make enough money to have a decent life with. I don't have to drive a Mercedes or own a 6 bedroom home. I don't have to have a fancy apartment on the 20th floor of a building nor do I have to be followed around by fans. I'd just like to make people think for a few moments on how they look at people. In a way, that was really the ultimate goal of it all. Just as I know some people look at me with disdain, I would hope that they'd see that we are all very different and regardless of our differences, we can still learn from each other. If I can do that, I will be happy. If I do en up making a fortune off this, I think I would help my family and some of my really close friends. I'd probably also move out of Texas and head to Japan or the UK if i made it that big. I hope with the release of RB, I will increase my exposure and maybe catch the eye of a big name out there.

"Do you think you are romanticizing the characters in your book? Some of the situations seem almost unreal."

The idea of a book is that you can read a story that helps you escape from the real world. That being said, certain elements of the story, such as the friendship that John and Emily develop, I've actually experienced in real life. While they may not be common, they do happen. Other elements of the book are somewhat unbelievable, but then again, who's to say they haven't really happened? We simply do not know. It's been said that real life is stranger than fiction and I believe that is true. Sometimes our lives lead us down very strange roads and by the time we get to the end of the journey, we ourselves cannot believe what's happened. With this book, John is on that road and there will come a time when he gets to the end of it. When he does, he may reflect just as any of us would. By the end of it all, you will see that all of the characters live some absolutely amazing, painful, heartbreaking, unbelievable, and down right insane lives. All that will ultimately come to a beautiful  and bittersweet end that may not be all hearts and flowers, but it is an end nonetheless. 

"Is Emily Martin real?"

No. She is not real. 

"Are there any other writers that you look to for inspiration in regards to RH or its followups?"

If you are asking about famous writers, I would have to say Hemingway as I love his minimalist style. If you are asking about perhaps some indie writers, the only ones I've really gotten into have been Tamworth Grice and Melissa Foster. I like Tamworth's work because it, in an odd way, reminds me of Hemingway. How? It's minimalist. She lets you fill in a lot of the blanks with your own ideas. Melissa is different. Her material seems to be more along the lines of what I would write, but in most cases I would write from a different perspective. One other author I'd say would be George Carlin. His books are based mostly on the material he did in his comedy shows. Still, toward the end of his career, he was still amazing when he was on a roll. I can see how he has affected my life in the way I speak my mind. He got away with his spiky dialog because he used it in the context of a joke. I don't get that same pass because I'm not nearly as funny as he was. 

 

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Image via Wikipedia"][/caption]

Questions and Comments on Rumbling Heart - Part 2

"Do you listen to music when you write and if so, who do you listen to?"

I do listen to music a large portion of the day. Depending on what I am writing depends who I choose to listen to. My play my writing pretty close to the chest and I have found, at least for me, the best way to get good work from me is if I almost live what the character is going through. Obviously, I cannot go through certain events like death and breakups and other forms of heartache on a personal level everyday, but I purposely put my state of mind in those situations and let them play out so I can see what sort of reaction I can bring out. Based on what I am trying to feel, I play music that gets me there faster. Obviously, if i wanted to express a joyful mood with my character, I will play more upbeat music while at other times, say when I want to feel what it's like to have my heart broken by someone, I play much more somber music. While I am just free writing, I generally put on some sort of classical piece, generally something with a piano. I find the instrument quite comforting and I hope to learn how to play it some day. I obviously have my favorite bands and musical acts, but they aren't who some would expect. When I was a teen, I listened to a lot of Nirvana and Pearl Jam and other alternative bands. While I do still listen to them, I rarely do while I write. Lately, it's been a lot of Tool, The Delgados, Olivia Lufkin, Caroline, Velvet Revolver, and The Smashing Pumpkins. That's just a small portion as I tend to listen to all kinds of music.

"What's with you and Lisa Edelstein? Is she really your FB friend? Does it have anything to do with your book?"

One day, I was playing around with an idea. I watched all of the people I normally conversed with on Twitter and thought to myself "Who would play that person in a movie about their life?" The first person I remember thinking of was my twitter pal Melissa Foster. I looked at her photo and it reminded me of Lisa Edelstein who played Dr. Lisa Cuddy on House. I wrote a small tweet similar to "I choose @Lisaedelstein to play @Melissa_Foster in the movie about her life." I went on to write other somewhat funny comments about other people, all of them flattering. I got a lot of positive feedback and some of my tweets were retweeted. Melissa got back to me and asked why I said that and I told her she reminded me of Lisa. Soon, our conversation shifted and it became "Lisa Edelstein would be a great Megan for my book Megan's way." We both liked the idea so it sort of snowballed from there. Melissa retweeted the tweet and I supported her by continuously retweeting something similar. Soon, I found that a handful of people were behind the idea and it went from there. Coincidentally, that was the same day that Lisa Edelstein started up a personal facebook account. Before I knew it, both Melissa and I were added to her account as friends. It was pretty interesting. Obviously, Melissa and I don't know Lisa personally and many other people were added to her account as well, but it was sort of funny that the same day I created the tweet was the same day she did that. I think that's why the idea took off so well because people were already talking about her. I later found out that Melissa was able to talk to one of Lisa's people about possibly getting her a copy of Megan's Way to read so she could consider taking a role in the film which is being developed about the book. She and I both know it's a long shot, but it would be pretty amazing to look back at this a year from now and see it happen and think wow, I played a role in getting Lisa to do this film. As far as a connection to the book, there isn't one. I did this essentially as a way to give a head nod to my friends on twitter. I wasn't trying to make my name bigger by doing this.

"Chapter Five is hard to get through because of the material it covers. Was all that real? Did that really happen to you?"

As with all writers, we take certain aspects of our lives and put them into words that sometimes end up in our books. I will say this concerning chapter 5 and the entire book really...it's all fiction. The book is fiction. Some of the things that happen in 5...did they happen to me? I really can't say because people may make assumptions about other people in my life and I do not wish to cast certain others in a negative light. It was never my intention to make certain people from my past look bad. Fact is only those people who were there during those years know what happened to me. A few others I have spoken to may know, but that is for their ears and their ears alone. It's a matter of public record that yes, I did suffer abuse while I was in my 20's, but to what extent, I will not say. It's not something I generally talk about unless I am being bothered by it and the person I choose to talk to had prior knowledge on said events. As far as the person who is looked at as evil in that chapter, the person who some might associate that character with in real life is a good and decent human being. Fact is we were simply toxic toward each other and that is ultimately what caused the issues. As far as that link is nowadays, we are civil. We do not talk all that often, but we both agree that being away from each other was the best thing we could have done. I still care for that person a great deal. You cannot spend that much time with someone and not care. I forgave them for what they did and I, by no stretch of the imagination, am innocent of any wrong doing during that time in my life. We both made very bad decisions. We also do not want them to haunt the rest of our lives. We can both look back at that time and think about the mistakes we made and know that we learned from them so we could hopefully avoid those issues in our future endeavors. In a future work, I may allude to more of that situation, but I have not decided yet. 

"Is it true that you dreamed the entire book?"

For the most part, yes. The core idea for the book came from a lucid dream I had. It was so vivid that it stuck with me for days. I ended up writing the dream down as it was just something that wouldn't leave me alone. I found myself having the dream over and over to the point where I thought about writing it down as more than just a blog post. That was really how it all got started. Through the process of writing the story, I continued to have dreams surrounding the book and I sort of just let those dreams write the book for me. Oddly enough, the original person I saw in my dream was not what ultimately led me to developing a character that came from it. While I saw that person, I heard someone else's voice. Once I figured out whose voice that was, they are who became that character to me and I took it from there. Through the months I spent writing, I kept dreaming of that person and it was as if they were guiding my writing and helping me to develop the story. It was unlike anything I'd ever experienced in my life. It's one thing to dream of an idea, but it's something else to have that person come to you again and again through the course of the writing process. I guess it can be attributed that once I figure out who that person was, I spent a good deal of time studying up on them and reading about them so it makes sense that I would have dreams about them every now and then. However, the dreams at one point were virtually a nightly occurrence. Even now as I am finishing up my followup to RH, I still have dreams of them and they aren't letting up. I guess when I stop having those dreams, I may not want to write anymore. I can't really say for sure. 

"Will your next book offer anything else regarding the development of relationships between that characters?"

Yes. The story will continue, and in my next work Recorded Butterflies, relationships will be tested and everyone of the characters will go through something that will change their lives forever. One character in particular about halfway in gives up the ghost on something so tragic that it might change the way my readers look at them. I spent several days constructing how I would write it and I think I do it a great justice with the words I use and the way I weave the telling of that arch. I hope that the readers will notice the absence of a particular word through the entire telling of that arch and appreciate the way I managed to exclude it. Also, at the end, something so explosive will happen that it will leave the readers breathless. I promise though, as soon as I am done with RB, I will immediately start work on the next book to follow it because there will be huge questions that people will want answers to. It's not a cliffhanger, at least to me it isn't. A cliffhanger leaves you wondering what something could possibly be. I, on the other hand, provide you will an answer. The only question after that is how is the aftermath handled. 

"In the book, you make small references to religion. Are you religious? Why did you make those references?"

I do not follow any religion. I did when I was a kid, but that was sort of forced. As an adult, I tend to ask more questions and that seems to piss off some religious people. As with other matters, I don't wish to make people angry on that front. I just don't understand some of the things people take as fact regarding it. I'm not exactly against religion. I look at it this way: if religion helps you get through your day and makes you a better person, then I say have at it. As with most other things in the world, it's the few bad apples that make religion difficult for the rest of us. As long as you're not out killing people or forcing your beliefs on anyone else, I am ok with it. I think of myself as agnostic. I'm not really sure what there is and if there is something, I will accept it as long as scientific proof exists. The religious mentions in the book are played against the characters themselves. There is a little more to those images and I leave very very subtle cues that some people may not pick up on as I don't generally make everything literal. While no character has come out and said that they follow any particular religion, I'd like to believe that they would at the very least be somewhat spiritual; some more than others. There is one particular image that is given in the book that will play out across the entire series of books. Religion will be explored more in the next couple of books, in the third most notably. 

 

Be sure to catch part three.

[caption id="attachment_916" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="RB possible cover"][/caption]

Question and Comments on Rumbling Heart - Part 1

I've had a few comments and questions regarding my most current release Rumbling Heart. Although I was asked about being interviewed sometime in the next week or so, I will address a few comments here and now. The questions or comments in some cases may not be verbatim, but the general idea is kept in tact.

 

"Your book is really long, almost an epic."

I wasn't really going for any specific length. I wanted it to be a good size work and I knew I had to lay a good amount of pretext and background story as well. I wanted to give a great amount of detail while not letting the story get too boring so while there is a great amount of material there, I hope I was able to keep the story interesting by keeping it on the move and rarely letting characters just sit around while they watch paint dry. I wrote the book with the idea that I could let it be a stand alone , but I also wanted to give myself some room to continue the story if I chose to. Obviously, I am choosing to write more on these characters so the works following this one will not be nearly as long as most of the groundwork has already been set. 

"Your book is $2.99 while some authors have chosen to make their books even less expensive."

Oddly enough, this was not really my idea. When I'd finally tested the waters on pricing, I was considering making the book very inexpensive, but then I found that because of the size, Amazon wouldn't allow me to make the book any less expensive because of the costs associate with its delivery. I actually reformatted the original release to make it slightly smaller and reloaded it to Amazon, but they still did not allow me to lower the price which is why it's still currently $2.99. Regardless of the price, I would like to think that $3 is not a huge amount to ask for my work considering its size and I also feel that the overall quality is relatively good when compared to other independent authors. If in the future I am allowed to lower the price on RH, I will seriously consider it. BN.com doesn't put such constraints on pricing, but for the sake of continuity, I left that pricing the same to match Amazon. I am considering a BN only sale where I price the book even lower, but I am trying not to isolate my fans who use a Kindle. 

"Do you think your book is being looked at in an unfavorable light considering the article you wrote about Casey Anthony?"

In some circles, maybe. I've made it well known that I don't always say things that are popular among certain crowds, but the book has absolutely nothing to do with Casey Anthony. It was thought of and written well before the verdict made the news. I think less than a few pages in, people will see that it has no connection whatsoever. I occasionally write up articles on current events. They are separate from my novels. I doubt I will ever write a book on a topic such as Casey Anthony as that's not really my style. I can write up a few pages about it, but after that, I tend to get bored with it. I thought the article I wrote was good, but it's far from perfect. I'm not saying that my views are the be all, end all of the way people should look at it. I was just trying to make the point that we all have our own opinions on it. Another was that we need to do our own research and then perhaps come to a decision on how we feel about it. There was irony in the article to a certain extent, but people didn't seem to understand that. 

"What about the death threats?" (followup to previous question)

I'm not worried about it. I seriously doubt that anyone would try to hurt me. If they did, they would just be tarnishing their own cause. There is nothing wrong with feeling passionate about a cause. I've felt that way about things that I've seen and heard of, but never to the point where I considered killing someone. That just seems completely unreasonable to me. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm not violent by nature. I would rather hug someone than strike them. As with many things in life, we should simply agree to disagree. I don't dislike anyone for having a different opinion than I do. Kind of like people getting at me for saying things that they think are mean and rude. You may think it's ride, but I don't. We just see it that way. I'm not trying to tell you that you should be like me, yet people still feel the need to tell me that I am falling out of the social norms by saying certain things. At the same time, I have others telling me that if I am pissing people off with my words then I am doing something right. I don't say mean things to get a response from people, but some are going to think that way regardless. People have said means things to me and I am ok with that. I think one difference could be that at least I feel I know who I am. I know I'm not easy to get along with and I know that bowing out of a friendship or relationship would be better for certain people in my life. Up till now I've made it well known that I know I am at least a little crazy. At least I admit that. I think it's also good that I at least admit that I come across as an ass sometimes when compared to other people's ideas on social standards. If I am an ass, so be it. I am what I am. People either tend to love me or hate me. If you choose to threaten my life or to severe ties with me if I do not change, then just save yourself the breath and do it. If someone chooses to separate themselves from me, there isn't much I can do about it, now is there. 

"4 a guywho writes bad poetry and blogs out of boredom, U sound terribly interesting." (Via twitter)

I don't think I am all that interesting. I'm just a guy who says things that cause a stir. I don't wake up in the morning and think to myself about what I should do to piss people off. As far as poetry goes, I know I'm not great, but I like to play around with the format. Some people have told me that my poetry is quite good, but I am my own worst critic. I am the same way with my novels. I suppose I owe my small, poetic accomplishments to a handful of poets...people such as John Keats, Billy Collins, and Emily Dickinson. I also looked at a work by Stevie Smith call "Not Waving, but Drowning." In it, she alludes to suicide and speaks about what one person sees, another might not and so on. As far as blogging, I really do get rather bored at times so I type up articles on various topics. Some are good, some are not so good. 

"Are any of your characters based on real life people?"

I wouldn't say they are based wholly on a single person. When I was coming up with the characters, it was very much on the fly. I simply thought to myself what would someone in this situation do in regards to a certain circumstance? I wanted the characters to have a very human side to them. I didn't want these characters to be perfect or come across as "Holier than thou" or anything like that. I wanted them to be people you could possibly know. In a way, they are all small extensions of me. John is obviously quite calm in a lot of cases unless things go absolutely haywire in which case a disturbed reaction is understandable. If he stayed perfectly calm during say a nuclear attack, that would seem a little odd. Emily is quite different from John. She tends to be a little more off the cuff and direct while John tries to be a little more diplomatic. She has a mouth on her, but not to the point where you question her intellect. Chris is kind of like how I see most twenty-somethings in this world. They are looking to dig in their heels and get their life started, but it doesn't always work out. They lack the wisdom that someone even a 5-10 years older than them has. Trevor is somewhat similar to Chris in that he is also in his twenties, goes to college, and thinks he knows exactly what he wants. Like Chris, he also is often blindsided by things that he doesn't see coming, but not because he keeps his eyes closed to them. He just never thinks certain great things could ever happen to him and when they do, he loses his cool because he doesn't know what the next steps are. He's never been through them so he is flying blind in a sense. 

Look for part 2 to the questions and comments on RH.

Hitting a Snag

For a few weeks when it came to writing, I was unstoppable. I knew I'd eventually hit a lull and here it is. Not exactly sure why, but last night just could not get myself to work on the latest chapter as far as revising. I've found that when I push myself to do something when I don't have my heart in it, the work doesn't look or sound good and the overall story suffers. Rather than making myself do this, I will just wait till the inspiration hits me again.

I keep thinking that when I am done with this saga or maybe even before that I will up and leave Texas which is something I want to do anyway. I could never return to Texas and be just fine with it. I've gotten an offer to get setup in Minnesota and who knows, I may just accept that offer. Been looking at Virginia as well, but haven't heard much back on that front so I don't know. All I know is I've had my fill of Texas life and think it's time to move on.

Read

"I want you to read everything I say, but don’t take it personally. It’s just the hurt talking."

RA

Recorded Butterflies - A Novel

I've settled on this title. This will be book two in a series of what should be four novels that I will complete. Obviously, book 1 is out and available and I am currently working on it's follow up. I am trying to hone in on the idea so I can produce this book in far less time than the first. This book doesn't require me to lay much groundwork as that's already been done so its overall size will be smaller, making it a much faster read. The last book came in at about 500 pages and about 220k words. This one I am thinking will be about 300 at most, but I will pack just as much entertainment into it.

Being that it will be a smaller book, I am also planning on having a lower purchase price as well. While the reading of RM may not be necessary, it is definitely advisable as some of the early themes set on RH play out in this book and will continue to play out through the series. The 3rd and 4th book will not be as long, similar in size to this current work and will probably see similar pricing. I have already started working on the cover art and I am happy with the early creations. I do not have a projected release date yet, but I am hoping to get it all done by some time in July. That's right. I want to move right through this book and get onto the next. The overall literary quality should still keep, but the shorter book will help when it comes to revision and editing. While they will not be perfect in every way, I still hope to produce a work worthy of appreciation...and also drop a few plot bombs along the way.

I've made a decision in the direction of the story, and for those who have read RH and liked the progression and the character development, RB will be a massive plot twist in itself, forcing the character to make some of the toughest decisions anyone could ever make.

For those that are curious, below is a sample of the art I have been looking at. I may not be able to use this image as I do not own the copyright.

 

[caption id="attachment_836" align="aligncenter" width="363" caption="Sample Cover Art"][/caption]

After Rumbling Heart

Maybe it's just the feeling I have right now, but from what I have been thinking about the last few nights is this. I think I will write a few more books, those that have to do with my current characters, and then probably call it quits. Why some might ask, or based on my sales maybe just a handful of people will ask. The answer is simple. There isn't anything left to write about.

I've a strange and often tortured life and for more than 90% of my years, it seems as if I were living for someone else and not myself. I kept telling myself that once I was able to write I book that I would want to read and enjoy that life would somehow suddenly change; like it would take on a whole new meaning and I could finally live for myself and no do all the things I am simply expected to do. Yet, here I am. My book is out and available and while a few people have felt strongly enough about it to see fit to purchase it, I can't help but feel like nothing has changed at all. Here I am, still doing all the things I don't want to do and feeling as if I am only here to service the needs of others. Sure, it's easy to see that writing a book, in a sense, is the same thing, but I beg to differ. I wrote the book not for fame and fortune. I wrote it because I felt I had something to say. I had a story that I thought was amazing and sad and beautiful and terrible and so utterly consuming that i felt the need to put it all down, so that's exactly what i did. I worked so hard on it that while some dreams of making a real living off of it did seep into my mind, I stopped thinking about that all together and instead focused on writing the best book I could write.

That being said, the story is far from over as the characters will go through changes and, as in real life, both tragedy and wonderment will come into play. Unfortunately, after all that is said and done and the story is out there for all to read, I think, based on my current feelings, that I will be done. I will in no way lax in my style of writing simply to get all this over with. That has not and will never be my intention. Once I give my characters a respectable send off, I will be done and that will be that.

I don't even care about school or a job or living for that matter as most things I have been a part of in my life, in the end, never really mattered. I don't have friends and I don't expect to gain any and I am too old to go out looking for them anymore. Those I knew when I was young have grown and moved on and that's great. I am glad they were able to make a life for themselves. I look at them now and I think to myself where in the grand scheme of things do I fit? Either I have the absolute worst timing ever, or I simply don't belong anywhere. I've left towns and tried to restart my life in different places, but i began to wonder why things never seemed to work. Now I know why.

Now I know why people never cared much for my company and that's fine. I know I am difficult and hard to get along with and I know it's at least partially my fault that people have faded from my life, and I am ok with that. I never expected anyone to want to put up with me for very long and based on that, I guess I have forgiven everyone and, without words, given them an out. I cannot think of a single person in my life who really gave to craps about what I thought or what I felt or cared enough to put things aside for my benefit. It may sound greedy and it probably is, but I can't help but think to myself just how many times in my life I've taken the fall for others and how many times I was left hanging all because someone wanted something or someone else. I cannot get past it and I know it's my problem and not yours and so I will so what i feel is the right thing and just bow out.

I have 2, maybe 3 more books in me and I am working on them at this moment; feverishly finding the words so that I can give my creations a proper send off. Then after that, I am done and no one will be asked to deal with my crap anymore. I'm just done. I am tired of chasing dreams I cannot catch and I am tired of waiting for anyone to listen. I sit in a room on a floor, typing on a keyboard without a desk and that's by my own choice, but one would have to think that in all that time that someone would have at least tried to intervene.

Being that I have never felt close to anyone, not even my family, I guess this is probably the way it should be. Till I am through with all this, I will keep recording my butterflies and wondering if there really ever was an Emily Martin. My heart will keep rumbling even though I don't want it to, and with each beat, I know I will always feel a little pain. No one is there waiting for me, because all my life as the minutes and hours and days and weeks and months and years rolled by, I never once saw anyone except myself staring back at me, and I've never liked what I saw. How presumptuous of me to think that anyone would see anything different.

New Book, Keeping Busy

While it's reasonable to say that just under a week out of the gates, Rumbling Heart is hardly a success, it has not perturbed me from continuing to write as I have already started work on its follow up. I am continuing the story line from RH and pushing the characters into unknown territory. Their development will obviously continue and a few seeds I left in the first book will begin to blossom in this next installment.

Whereas the last book set the foundation, this one looks to explore the unknowns and the possibilities that were, while not ignored in the first book, never really looked at as viable options at the time. While the story itself is already outlines, I am still in the very early stages of actually writing the book. A prologue has been written as well as a 20 page outline and I am about 25 pages into the first chapter. I may however forgo the chapter layout for something a little different, but that is still up in the air.

While I am busy working on a new book, obviously my latest is still available for purchase from Amazon and Barnesandnoble.com so please check it out. Free samples are available so no purchase is necessary if you are just looking to take a glance at it.

As far as the name of my next work...hmm...

No Cheers or Fanfair

Buy Rumbling Heart @ Barnes and Noble

Today, a dream that I've dreamed since I was young finally came to fruition. I have , on my own, written, edited, and released a book, completely of my own creation. While I admit I am not Hemingway when it comes to writing novels, I would like to think he would have looked over my book, gave it a good once over and said to me "That a decent start, kid. Keep writing." Unfortunately, Ernest isn't alive to give me such positive feedback, so I am having to look elsewhere for readers and honest opinions.

I know I'm not some amazing writer who is going to change the world. Hell, I may not even make you think twice about rereading my book once you have it in your possession, but I hope I can at least entertain you and stimulate your mind, if even for just a few nights while you make it through my novel. I've spent countless hours and many late nights working on the words and the text and the idea behind my work just so I can make it as perfect as I can just so I can release and look at it and tell myself that I did it. I really did it.

I cannot say how many times I've broken down in tears while writing and editing this book as many of the supposedly fictional scenes do have real life events intertwined in them, many of which I would rather forget, but for reasons I cannot understand, never seem to leave my thoughts.

I am sick and I know I am. That shouldn't keep me from leaving a mark on this world though. I keep telling myself every single time I wake in the morning that I should give it at least one more go around, just one more try. Just one more try before I cash in my chips. Just one more try before I call off the search. Just one one more try before I hear my exit music begin to play.

I am putting a lot on the line here and I am done hiding behind a fake smile and false positive emotions. I hide it all from everyone, even my family. They see me and they think I am ok, when I know I am not. For all I know, maybe they know I'm not ok and that's why they keep me around. I still cannot shake those events from December of 2009 and it haunts me every single day. It will always haunt me, but it will not define me. I want to leave a mark, a legacy before it's all said and done with. With these characters I've created, I hope to do just that.

John, Olivia, Emily, The Chris's, Donna, Stella, Paul, Audrey...they are all a part of me in ways many of you will never understand. While they all, within my work, define what it is to be human, they also show us a side which I wish we could all live up to. While we move through our daily routines and go to our jobs, raise our children, go to our schools, we all, if even for a short moment in time, wish we could be the best person we could possibly be. We all wish the person we were at our best would never leave. We all wish to be the greatest parents to our children. We all wish to be the children that we know would make our parents proud. We all wish to be the husbands and wives, girlfriends and boyfriends that our partners have always wanted. We all wish to be the best friends we could be, letting our friends know that they could come to us for anything and at anytime and never be judged. However, we all know that this isn't how the world really works.

In the real world, we seem to casually wade through our lives, looking out only for ourselves and never looking back to see the people that we've stepped over to get to our final destination. While some of you read this, you all will surely say to yourself "Well, I've never done that...," but sadly, we all have. We get angry over things that do not matter. We sweat the small stuff. We yell at our kids and our friends and our spouses. People lose their jobs and are forced out of school. Parent's abandon their kids and children disappoint their parents. Our friends get into that car even though we know they've had to much to drink, and yes...sometimes our friends lose control of their car and destroy a family on New Year's Eve.

It's been said that we are the sum of all the people we've ever known in our lives and maybe that's why I am still going. Maybe that's why I'm still writing. Although I cannot remember many things from my childhood, there is still something pushing me to write and to speak and to talk about what I cannot recall. Maybe this was the way it was supposed to be. Maybe I was supposed to die when I was a child. Maybe I was supposed to die when my ex wife held that gun to my head, and maybe I was supposed to swallow all those pills in 2009 while all those voices steadily urged me to kill myself.

I release a book, and with it, I release myself. I release all those feelings that were supposed to have died within my trembling soul all those years ago. I know that this was what I was meant to do in this life. For so many years, I asked myself "What's this life for?" Now I know. It was to think and to feel and to smile and to laugh and to hurt and to cry and in so many ways, I've already loved more than I could possibly love in an entire lifetime, but I've also died a thousand deaths.

Each night, just me and my keyboard, the pain bleeds out of my hands as I write. All of those long nights have finally produced something of value. And with no cheers and no fan fair, I present to the world my Rumbling Heart.