Maybe it's just the feeling I have right now, but from what I have been thinking about the last few nights is this. I think I will write a few more books, those that have to do with my current characters, and then probably call it quits. Why some might ask, or based on my sales maybe just a handful of people will ask. The answer is simple. There isn't anything left to write about.
I've a strange and often tortured life and for more than 90% of my years, it seems as if I were living for someone else and not myself. I kept telling myself that once I was able to write I book that I would want to read and enjoy that life would somehow suddenly change; like it would take on a whole new meaning and I could finally live for myself and no do all the things I am simply expected to do. Yet, here I am. My book is out and available and while a few people have felt strongly enough about it to see fit to purchase it, I can't help but feel like nothing has changed at all. Here I am, still doing all the things I don't want to do and feeling as if I am only here to service the needs of others. Sure, it's easy to see that writing a book, in a sense, is the same thing, but I beg to differ. I wrote the book not for fame and fortune. I wrote it because I felt I had something to say. I had a story that I thought was amazing and sad and beautiful and terrible and so utterly consuming that i felt the need to put it all down, so that's exactly what i did. I worked so hard on it that while some dreams of making a real living off of it did seep into my mind, I stopped thinking about that all together and instead focused on writing the best book I could write.
That being said, the story is far from over as the characters will go through changes and, as in real life, both tragedy and wonderment will come into play. Unfortunately, after all that is said and done and the story is out there for all to read, I think, based on my current feelings, that I will be done. I will in no way lax in my style of writing simply to get all this over with. That has not and will never be my intention. Once I give my characters a respectable send off, I will be done and that will be that.
I don't even care about school or a job or living for that matter as most things I have been a part of in my life, in the end, never really mattered. I don't have friends and I don't expect to gain any and I am too old to go out looking for them anymore. Those I knew when I was young have grown and moved on and that's great. I am glad they were able to make a life for themselves. I look at them now and I think to myself where in the grand scheme of things do I fit? Either I have the absolute worst timing ever, or I simply don't belong anywhere. I've left towns and tried to restart my life in different places, but i began to wonder why things never seemed to work. Now I know why.
Now I know why people never cared much for my company and that's fine. I know I am difficult and hard to get along with and I know it's at least partially my fault that people have faded from my life, and I am ok with that. I never expected anyone to want to put up with me for very long and based on that, I guess I have forgiven everyone and, without words, given them an out. I cannot think of a single person in my life who really gave to craps about what I thought or what I felt or cared enough to put things aside for my benefit. It may sound greedy and it probably is, but I can't help but think to myself just how many times in my life I've taken the fall for others and how many times I was left hanging all because someone wanted something or someone else. I cannot get past it and I know it's my problem and not yours and so I will so what i feel is the right thing and just bow out.
I have 2, maybe 3 more books in me and I am working on them at this moment; feverishly finding the words so that I can give my creations a proper send off. Then after that, I am done and no one will be asked to deal with my crap anymore. I'm just done. I am tired of chasing dreams I cannot catch and I am tired of waiting for anyone to listen. I sit in a room on a floor, typing on a keyboard without a desk and that's by my own choice, but one would have to think that in all that time that someone would have at least tried to intervene.
Being that I have never felt close to anyone, not even my family, I guess this is probably the way it should be. Till I am through with all this, I will keep recording my butterflies and wondering if there really ever was an Emily Martin. My heart will keep rumbling even though I don't want it to, and with each beat, I know I will always feel a little pain. No one is there waiting for me, because all my life as the minutes and hours and days and weeks and months and years rolled by, I never once saw anyone except myself staring back at me, and I've never liked what I saw. How presumptuous of me to think that anyone would see anything different.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Synchronicity
While the first book definitely had a handful of synchronized moments that were never truly meant to sync up in any formal way, I have decided to continue to explore this interesting and not often studied phenomenon. I liked the feel it gave to a couple of scenes in the last story so I want to see how far I can take the concept without it making the story seem to stylized and hokey.
For those of you that are unaware of what Synchronicity is, I will reference Wikipedia: Synchronicity is the experience of two or more events, that are apparently causally unrelated or unlikely to occur together by chance, that are observed to occur together in a meaningful manner.
Some may try to form a relationship between Synchronicity and irony, trying to see them as the same thing. However, they are both independent of each other and have different meanings. While irony is usually seen as an unexpected occurrence or result somehow related to a particular happening, Synchronicity is the coming together of events that, while unrelated, appear to provide a singular meaning as they seemingly mesh together to provide one outcome. Some people have looked upon this subject as a sort of ESP or intuition. I will provide an example from the book.
In one particular scene, the character Emily is sitting on a bench outside of the store where the character John works. John is off that day, yet Emily is still there, thinking about him. John, who happened to be near his job on that day, decides to go by to see how things are going at the store. As he approaches the shop, he sees his friend Emily sitting on the bench. While neither of them expected to see the other there that day, somehow they both managed to be there not only that day, but also at the same time. You can see this sort of occurrence as coincidence, but you also have to wonder about the math involved: what were the chances that Emily, who knew John wasn't working that day would be there at the exact time that John would just happen to think about going to the store to check on his co-workers be? Also, at that time in the story, Emily and John are having a very difficult time concerning one another so the likelihood that they would run into each other was very low. They both knew that they needed to eventually see each other to work things out, but hadn't figured out a way to see to its happening. Given the circumstances, it's hard to call this simply a coincidence. One might even call it fate.
Synchronicity.
Maybe they were supposed to have met that day in front of his store so that they could find a way to solve their personal problems with each other. The meaning behind the meeting is quite evident, however no plans were made to meet in that way, and there lies your meaningful manner.
I am looking to use this in my next work which is already in chapter two. I am also looking to use other literary tricks as well, seeing as how my first book was relatively straightforward in manner. I want to get this work out as soon as I can as I am very eager to complete the story which is already finished in my head.
For those of you that are unaware of what Synchronicity is, I will reference Wikipedia: Synchronicity is the experience of two or more events, that are apparently causally unrelated or unlikely to occur together by chance, that are observed to occur together in a meaningful manner.
Some may try to form a relationship between Synchronicity and irony, trying to see them as the same thing. However, they are both independent of each other and have different meanings. While irony is usually seen as an unexpected occurrence or result somehow related to a particular happening, Synchronicity is the coming together of events that, while unrelated, appear to provide a singular meaning as they seemingly mesh together to provide one outcome. Some people have looked upon this subject as a sort of ESP or intuition. I will provide an example from the book.
In one particular scene, the character Emily is sitting on a bench outside of the store where the character John works. John is off that day, yet Emily is still there, thinking about him. John, who happened to be near his job on that day, decides to go by to see how things are going at the store. As he approaches the shop, he sees his friend Emily sitting on the bench. While neither of them expected to see the other there that day, somehow they both managed to be there not only that day, but also at the same time. You can see this sort of occurrence as coincidence, but you also have to wonder about the math involved: what were the chances that Emily, who knew John wasn't working that day would be there at the exact time that John would just happen to think about going to the store to check on his co-workers be? Also, at that time in the story, Emily and John are having a very difficult time concerning one another so the likelihood that they would run into each other was very low. They both knew that they needed to eventually see each other to work things out, but hadn't figured out a way to see to its happening. Given the circumstances, it's hard to call this simply a coincidence. One might even call it fate.
Synchronicity.
Maybe they were supposed to have met that day in front of his store so that they could find a way to solve their personal problems with each other. The meaning behind the meeting is quite evident, however no plans were made to meet in that way, and there lies your meaningful manner.
I am looking to use this in my next work which is already in chapter two. I am also looking to use other literary tricks as well, seeing as how my first book was relatively straightforward in manner. I want to get this work out as soon as I can as I am very eager to complete the story which is already finished in my head.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Amazing First Draft of Chapter One
Just finished the first draft of chapter one of my new work and I have to say, I've learned quite a bit from all the editing I did on RH. I am painting a much better picture than I did with the first draft of the previous chapters I'd worked on and its making me think i won't have to do nearly as much revising as I did before. I am happy so far and the story has a nice, decent flow. I am trying to make it a work in itself so that it will not have to rely on RH too much. I am giving some background and details so in case someone just picked it up off the shelf, they could still read the work and get a good story out of it. Going to take a couple of days break now as I already know what chapter 2 will be. As I have practiced before, I always stop writing when I have a good idea going. It helps me by keeping writer's block at bay so when I go back to work, I can just pick up right where I left off without so much as a hiccup.
New Book, Keeping Busy
While it's reasonable to say that just under a week out of the gates, Rumbling Heart is hardly a success, it has not perturbed me from continuing to write as I have already started work on its follow up. I am continuing the story line from RH and pushing the characters into unknown territory. Their development will obviously continue and a few seeds I left in the first book will begin to blossom in this next installment.
Whereas the last book set the foundation, this one looks to explore the unknowns and the possibilities that were, while not ignored in the first book, never really looked at as viable options at the time. While the story itself is already outlines, I am still in the very early stages of actually writing the book. A prologue has been written as well as a 20 page outline and I am about 25 pages into the first chapter. I may however forgo the chapter layout for something a little different, but that is still up in the air.
While I am busy working on a new book, obviously my latest is still available for purchase from Amazon and Barnesandnoble.com so please check it out. Free samples are available so no purchase is necessary if you are just looking to take a glance at it.
As far as the name of my next work...hmm...
Whereas the last book set the foundation, this one looks to explore the unknowns and the possibilities that were, while not ignored in the first book, never really looked at as viable options at the time. While the story itself is already outlines, I am still in the very early stages of actually writing the book. A prologue has been written as well as a 20 page outline and I am about 25 pages into the first chapter. I may however forgo the chapter layout for something a little different, but that is still up in the air.
While I am busy working on a new book, obviously my latest is still available for purchase from Amazon and Barnesandnoble.com so please check it out. Free samples are available so no purchase is necessary if you are just looking to take a glance at it.
As far as the name of my next work...hmm...
Monday, May 23, 2011
First 4 Chapters Available for Free on Amazon
Amazon.com is currently offering the first 4 chapters of Rumbling Heart as a sample before you buy. If you decide that the book is worth purchasing, it can be done for a very reasonable $5.99 with free wireless delivery for Kindle users. If you do not have a Kindle, you can still purchase the book and read it on any computer using the free Kindle app from Amazon.
Barnes and Noble also offer a free sample for their Nook device. Their sample is smaller however, and only gives you a little less than 2 chapters. The online price is also $5.99 with them. They also offer free software to download to any computer so you can read the book.
Most popular eReaders can handle either format so owning a Nook or a Kindle is usually not required.
Thank you again for the support and I look forward to the feedback.
Barnes and Noble also offer a free sample for their Nook device. Their sample is smaller however, and only gives you a little less than 2 chapters. The online price is also $5.99 with them. They also offer free software to download to any computer so you can read the book.
Most popular eReaders can handle either format so owning a Nook or a Kindle is usually not required.
Thank you again for the support and I look forward to the feedback.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Amazon Availability
As of last night, Rumbling Heart is now available on Amazon.com for purchase. Enjoy.
Barns and Noble
Amazon.com
Barns and Noble
Amazon.com
Thursday, May 19, 2011
No Cheers or Fanfair
Buy Rumbling Heart @ Barnes and Noble
Today, a dream that I've dreamed since I was young finally came to fruition. I have , on my own, written, edited, and released a book, completely of my own creation. While I admit I am not Hemingway when it comes to writing novels, I would like to think he would have looked over my book, gave it a good once over and said to me "That a decent start, kid. Keep writing." Unfortunately, Ernest isn't alive to give me such positive feedback, so I am having to look elsewhere for readers and honest opinions.
I know I'm not some amazing writer who is going to change the world. Hell, I may not even make you think twice about rereading my book once you have it in your possession, but I hope I can at least entertain you and stimulate your mind, if even for just a few nights while you make it through my novel. I've spent countless hours and many late nights working on the words and the text and the idea behind my work just so I can make it as perfect as I can just so I can release and look at it and tell myself that I did it. I really did it.
I cannot say how many times I've broken down in tears while writing and editing this book as many of the supposedly fictional scenes do have real life events intertwined in them, many of which I would rather forget, but for reasons I cannot understand, never seem to leave my thoughts.
I am sick and I know I am. That shouldn't keep me from leaving a mark on this world though. I keep telling myself every single time I wake in the morning that I should give it at least one more go around, just one more try. Just one more try before I cash in my chips. Just one more try before I call off the search. Just one one more try before I hear my exit music begin to play.
I am putting a lot on the line here and I am done hiding behind a fake smile and false positive emotions. I hide it all from everyone, even my family. They see me and they think I am ok, when I know I am not. For all I know, maybe they know I'm not ok and that's why they keep me around. I still cannot shake those events from December of 2009 and it haunts me every single day. It will always haunt me, but it will not define me. I want to leave a mark, a legacy before it's all said and done with. With these characters I've created, I hope to do just that.
John, Olivia, Emily, The Chris's, Donna, Stella, Paul, Audrey...they are all a part of me in ways many of you will never understand. While they all, within my work, define what it is to be human, they also show us a side which I wish we could all live up to. While we move through our daily routines and go to our jobs, raise our children, go to our schools, we all, if even for a short moment in time, wish we could be the best person we could possibly be. We all wish the person we were at our best would never leave. We all wish to be the greatest parents to our children. We all wish to be the children that we know would make our parents proud. We all wish to be the husbands and wives, girlfriends and boyfriends that our partners have always wanted. We all wish to be the best friends we could be, letting our friends know that they could come to us for anything and at anytime and never be judged. However, we all know that this isn't how the world really works.
In the real world, we seem to casually wade through our lives, looking out only for ourselves and never looking back to see the people that we've stepped over to get to our final destination. While some of you read this, you all will surely say to yourself "Well, I've never done that...," but sadly, we all have. We get angry over things that do not matter. We sweat the small stuff. We yell at our kids and our friends and our spouses. People lose their jobs and are forced out of school. Parent's abandon their kids and children disappoint their parents. Our friends get into that car even though we know they've had to much to drink, and yes...sometimes our friends lose control of their car and destroy a family on New Year's Eve.
It's been said that we are the sum of all the people we've ever known in our lives and maybe that's why I am still going. Maybe that's why I'm still writing. Although I cannot remember many things from my childhood, there is still something pushing me to write and to speak and to talk about what I cannot recall. Maybe this was the way it was supposed to be. Maybe I was supposed to die when I was a child. Maybe I was supposed to die when my ex wife held that gun to my head, and maybe I was supposed to swallow all those pills in 2009 while all those voices steadily urged me to kill myself.
I release a book, and with it, I release myself. I release all those feelings that were supposed to have died within my trembling soul all those years ago. I know that this was what I was meant to do in this life. For so many years, I asked myself "What's this life for?" Now I know. It was to think and to feel and to smile and to laugh and to hurt and to cry and in so many ways, I've already loved more than I could possibly love in an entire lifetime, but I've also died a thousand deaths.
Each night, just me and my keyboard, the pain bleeds out of my hands as I write. All of those long nights have finally produced something of value. And with no cheers and no fan fair, I present to the world my Rumbling Heart.
Today, a dream that I've dreamed since I was young finally came to fruition. I have , on my own, written, edited, and released a book, completely of my own creation. While I admit I am not Hemingway when it comes to writing novels, I would like to think he would have looked over my book, gave it a good once over and said to me "That a decent start, kid. Keep writing." Unfortunately, Ernest isn't alive to give me such positive feedback, so I am having to look elsewhere for readers and honest opinions.
I know I'm not some amazing writer who is going to change the world. Hell, I may not even make you think twice about rereading my book once you have it in your possession, but I hope I can at least entertain you and stimulate your mind, if even for just a few nights while you make it through my novel. I've spent countless hours and many late nights working on the words and the text and the idea behind my work just so I can make it as perfect as I can just so I can release and look at it and tell myself that I did it. I really did it.
I cannot say how many times I've broken down in tears while writing and editing this book as many of the supposedly fictional scenes do have real life events intertwined in them, many of which I would rather forget, but for reasons I cannot understand, never seem to leave my thoughts.
I am sick and I know I am. That shouldn't keep me from leaving a mark on this world though. I keep telling myself every single time I wake in the morning that I should give it at least one more go around, just one more try. Just one more try before I cash in my chips. Just one more try before I call off the search. Just one one more try before I hear my exit music begin to play.
I am putting a lot on the line here and I am done hiding behind a fake smile and false positive emotions. I hide it all from everyone, even my family. They see me and they think I am ok, when I know I am not. For all I know, maybe they know I'm not ok and that's why they keep me around. I still cannot shake those events from December of 2009 and it haunts me every single day. It will always haunt me, but it will not define me. I want to leave a mark, a legacy before it's all said and done with. With these characters I've created, I hope to do just that.
John, Olivia, Emily, The Chris's, Donna, Stella, Paul, Audrey...they are all a part of me in ways many of you will never understand. While they all, within my work, define what it is to be human, they also show us a side which I wish we could all live up to. While we move through our daily routines and go to our jobs, raise our children, go to our schools, we all, if even for a short moment in time, wish we could be the best person we could possibly be. We all wish the person we were at our best would never leave. We all wish to be the greatest parents to our children. We all wish to be the children that we know would make our parents proud. We all wish to be the husbands and wives, girlfriends and boyfriends that our partners have always wanted. We all wish to be the best friends we could be, letting our friends know that they could come to us for anything and at anytime and never be judged. However, we all know that this isn't how the world really works.
In the real world, we seem to casually wade through our lives, looking out only for ourselves and never looking back to see the people that we've stepped over to get to our final destination. While some of you read this, you all will surely say to yourself "Well, I've never done that...," but sadly, we all have. We get angry over things that do not matter. We sweat the small stuff. We yell at our kids and our friends and our spouses. People lose their jobs and are forced out of school. Parent's abandon their kids and children disappoint their parents. Our friends get into that car even though we know they've had to much to drink, and yes...sometimes our friends lose control of their car and destroy a family on New Year's Eve.
It's been said that we are the sum of all the people we've ever known in our lives and maybe that's why I am still going. Maybe that's why I'm still writing. Although I cannot remember many things from my childhood, there is still something pushing me to write and to speak and to talk about what I cannot recall. Maybe this was the way it was supposed to be. Maybe I was supposed to die when I was a child. Maybe I was supposed to die when my ex wife held that gun to my head, and maybe I was supposed to swallow all those pills in 2009 while all those voices steadily urged me to kill myself.
I release a book, and with it, I release myself. I release all those feelings that were supposed to have died within my trembling soul all those years ago. I know that this was what I was meant to do in this life. For so many years, I asked myself "What's this life for?" Now I know. It was to think and to feel and to smile and to laugh and to hurt and to cry and in so many ways, I've already loved more than I could possibly love in an entire lifetime, but I've also died a thousand deaths.
Each night, just me and my keyboard, the pain bleeds out of my hands as I write. All of those long nights have finally produced something of value. And with no cheers and no fan fair, I present to the world my Rumbling Heart.
Synopsis - Rumbling Heart
Here is the synopsis I came up with for my book. This is what will appear on both the Amazon and Barns and Noble listing. As soon as the purchase links are available, I will post them. Some of you may already notice the updated links to the blog. While I am getting things set, the book is not yet available, but will be in the next day or so. Enjoy.
Rumbling Heart Synopsis
After escaping the clutches of his abusive ex-wife, John finds himself living a rather dreary and reclusive life in Eureka, California. By choice, he works at a menial job where he gets paid very little, and barely makes ends meet. One day he comes home after quitting his job during an altercation with his boss to find a strange note taped to his door, instructing him to check his email. Letting his curiosity get the best of him, he checks to find an email waiting for him from the international conglomerate known simply as The Company. The email offers him a chance to secure employment with one of the most employee friendly companies on earth so without delay, he replies to the email and provides The Company with all of his personal information. Within minutes, he is contacted by phone and an interview is setup. As he gets additional information about the company, he is told about all the benefits he will reap once he is employed. One such benefit is so bold and unique that is takes him completely by surprise and because of it, he is eventually introduced to an emotionally odd, yet adorably quirky woman named Anna who is also employed by The Company.
As their friendship progresses, John is forced to look inside himself and reexamine his life as he and Anna’s relationship begins to morph and change into something much more than he expected. Weary of getting close to anyone, John struggles with his past, but ultimately decides to try to open himself up to new things, but little does he know, his new companion is hiding something from him that will rock the foundation of their friendship and send him into a tailspin of emotion.
He also unexpectedly grows closer to the beautiful and intelligent Human Resources manager Emily, his first contact within the company, who appears to have only his best interests at heart. As he begins to trust the bold and confident Emily with more, he finds that she too may not be who she seems. Soon, John finds himself in a minefield of mystery and deceit and over time, he finds he must either deal with the gatekeepers of secrecy or devolve into lunacy as his past continues to haunt his thoughts and his life.
[caption id="attachment_760" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="Cover"]
[/caption]
Rumbling Heart Synopsis
After escaping the clutches of his abusive ex-wife, John finds himself living a rather dreary and reclusive life in Eureka, California. By choice, he works at a menial job where he gets paid very little, and barely makes ends meet. One day he comes home after quitting his job during an altercation with his boss to find a strange note taped to his door, instructing him to check his email. Letting his curiosity get the best of him, he checks to find an email waiting for him from the international conglomerate known simply as The Company. The email offers him a chance to secure employment with one of the most employee friendly companies on earth so without delay, he replies to the email and provides The Company with all of his personal information. Within minutes, he is contacted by phone and an interview is setup. As he gets additional information about the company, he is told about all the benefits he will reap once he is employed. One such benefit is so bold and unique that is takes him completely by surprise and because of it, he is eventually introduced to an emotionally odd, yet adorably quirky woman named Anna who is also employed by The Company.
As their friendship progresses, John is forced to look inside himself and reexamine his life as he and Anna’s relationship begins to morph and change into something much more than he expected. Weary of getting close to anyone, John struggles with his past, but ultimately decides to try to open himself up to new things, but little does he know, his new companion is hiding something from him that will rock the foundation of their friendship and send him into a tailspin of emotion.
He also unexpectedly grows closer to the beautiful and intelligent Human Resources manager Emily, his first contact within the company, who appears to have only his best interests at heart. As he begins to trust the bold and confident Emily with more, he finds that she too may not be who she seems. Soon, John finds himself in a minefield of mystery and deceit and over time, he finds he must either deal with the gatekeepers of secrecy or devolve into lunacy as his past continues to haunt his thoughts and his life.
[caption id="attachment_760" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="Cover"]
[/caption]
Friday, May 13, 2011
When Sorrows Come
From William Shakespeare's Hamlet
O, this is the poison of deep grief; it springs
All from her father's death. O Gertrude, Gertrude,
When sorrows come, they come not single spies
But in battalions. First, her father slain:
Next, your son gone; and he most violent author
Of his own just remove: the people muddied,
Thick and unwholesome in their thoughts and whispers,
For good Polonius' death; and we have done but greenly,
In hugger-mugger to inter him: poor Ophelia
Divided from herself and her fair judgment,
Without the which we are pictures, or mere beasts:
Last, and as much containing as all these,
Her brother is in secret come from France;
Feeds on his wonder, keeps himself in clouds,
And wants not buzzers to infect his ear
With pestilent speeches of his father's death;
Wherein necessity, of matter beggar'd,
Will nothing stick our person to arraign
In ear and ear. O my dear Gertrude, this,
Like to a murdering-piece, in many places
Gives me superfluous death.
[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Image via Wikipedia"]
[/caption]
O, this is the poison of deep grief; it springs
All from her father's death. O Gertrude, Gertrude,
When sorrows come, they come not single spies
But in battalions. First, her father slain:
Next, your son gone; and he most violent author
Of his own just remove: the people muddied,
Thick and unwholesome in their thoughts and whispers,
For good Polonius' death; and we have done but greenly,
In hugger-mugger to inter him: poor Ophelia
Divided from herself and her fair judgment,
Without the which we are pictures, or mere beasts:
Last, and as much containing as all these,
Her brother is in secret come from France;
Feeds on his wonder, keeps himself in clouds,
And wants not buzzers to infect his ear
With pestilent speeches of his father's death;
Wherein necessity, of matter beggar'd,
Will nothing stick our person to arraign
In ear and ear. O my dear Gertrude, this,
Like to a murdering-piece, in many places
Gives me superfluous death.
[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Image via Wikipedia"]
[/caption]Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Truth and Consequences
So telling the truth in this day and age can get you killed...but then I guess it's always been like that. While I am not involved in a situation with millions of dollars at stake, I do have to admit that while I know I did the right thing, I was the only one to get in any sort of trouble for it. Be that as it may, I am still not done talking. It pains me to see how people can be so conniving and ruthless as long as it doesn't have any effect on them or their loved ones. It also pains me to see that while damage in some cases can be mitigated, regardless of how much preparation you have, you can still get hurt.
When a woman I know goes off and starts wrecking not only good relationships, but homes where there are children involved, that is where I step back and dismiss this person as my friend. If it were simply a misunderstanding, I can buy that maybe one time. However, by the 4th time, it's an obvious pattern. This woman has no moral compass and she doesn't care who she hurts to get what she wants. She reminds me of a woman I used to have in my life just by her actions: she wants people to control.
Obviously there is only so much I can do. I did what i felt needed to be done and I blew the whistle. I let the current target know of her previous actions and what she is probably planning for him. While I am a 33 year old man and did manage to see through her ruse in a reasonable amount of time, her new target is that of an 18 year old kid; a mere child in comparison when it comes to wisdom. I was nice to him and never once spoke down to him while I spoke my peace. He, in return, was a decent fellow and noticed that I was only looking out for his own good, but as with most 18 year olds who think they know it all, my advisements were supposedly dismissed.
As a way to display her control over this young man, I received mocking text messages as she thought i sought to break them apart. One such message states:
"Yes and still he sat up with me till he thought I was ok...probably not what you wanted huh. he thought you were mean. lol again not what you wanted huh."
Stupidity is playing a role here and luckily she has little to no brain. As i stated earlier, it was never my intention to break them apart, but simply to place an idea in his head; an idea of what the truth really is. I know he has heard the same story I told him the other night before and while he keeps the strong face on, I know this kid is having second thoughts on the inside. The doubt has been planted. Sure, she may be happy thinking she has complete control over him, but i believe however long it lasts, he will always have that story poking at his conscience.
You can only here the exact same story from so many different people till you have to believe there is some truth there.
The truth has come out and if he cannot see, I can only hope he doesn't let himself get too deeply involved. On the other end of the spectrum though he may try his hardest to get closer to her now, which I knew was a possibility; after all, he is a kid.
So I say to this kid good luck and I sincerely wish you the best. I hope you are able to see through the ruse the same as I was.
When a woman I know goes off and starts wrecking not only good relationships, but homes where there are children involved, that is where I step back and dismiss this person as my friend. If it were simply a misunderstanding, I can buy that maybe one time. However, by the 4th time, it's an obvious pattern. This woman has no moral compass and she doesn't care who she hurts to get what she wants. She reminds me of a woman I used to have in my life just by her actions: she wants people to control.
Obviously there is only so much I can do. I did what i felt needed to be done and I blew the whistle. I let the current target know of her previous actions and what she is probably planning for him. While I am a 33 year old man and did manage to see through her ruse in a reasonable amount of time, her new target is that of an 18 year old kid; a mere child in comparison when it comes to wisdom. I was nice to him and never once spoke down to him while I spoke my peace. He, in return, was a decent fellow and noticed that I was only looking out for his own good, but as with most 18 year olds who think they know it all, my advisements were supposedly dismissed.
As a way to display her control over this young man, I received mocking text messages as she thought i sought to break them apart. One such message states:
"Yes and still he sat up with me till he thought I was ok...probably not what you wanted huh. he thought you were mean. lol again not what you wanted huh."
Stupidity is playing a role here and luckily she has little to no brain. As i stated earlier, it was never my intention to break them apart, but simply to place an idea in his head; an idea of what the truth really is. I know he has heard the same story I told him the other night before and while he keeps the strong face on, I know this kid is having second thoughts on the inside. The doubt has been planted. Sure, she may be happy thinking she has complete control over him, but i believe however long it lasts, he will always have that story poking at his conscience.
You can only here the exact same story from so many different people till you have to believe there is some truth there.
The truth has come out and if he cannot see, I can only hope he doesn't let himself get too deeply involved. On the other end of the spectrum though he may try his hardest to get closer to her now, which I knew was a possibility; after all, he is a kid.
So I say to this kid good luck and I sincerely wish you the best. I hope you are able to see through the ruse the same as I was.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Dying
When someone comes out and tells you they are dying and they don't give a damn about life anymore, it makes you wonder: why the hell are you even telling me then if you truly don't care anymore? How can you say something like that to someone and then give no other details? I am obviously not the most stable person on earth, but at least I don't screw around with people like that. That is the worse thing you can possibly do to someone who gives a damn about you. Why even tell me then? Why not just go off and die then and not ever tell anyone why? It seems to me you DO still care and you are just looking to make everyone else feel as miserable as you do because of your cancer diagnosis. Well you know what, that's very fucked up.
We've all been sick, some of us more severely than others, but in the times when I was ill at least I had the decency to tell my friends what i was sick from. At least then they were in the loop as far as what was going on. I never screamed fire in a theater, then didn't stick around to show them where the smoke was coming from. That's the most screwed up thing you can do. How dare you pull a guilt trip like that on me, then expect for me NOT to ask about what's going on.
If you want to run off somewhere and die alone, there is nothing I can do to stop that. Luckily some of us have a choice on how we want to die. Others do not. I suppose those of us who can choose our demise should die the way we want to. If you want to die alone and bitter at life just because you got cancer, then go ahead. If you want to hide it all from us, then fine. If you want to be forgotten and not leave some sort of legacy, it's your choice.
You want all that? Fine. Then go die. You want to push everyone away? Fine, go die. At least when i go I can say that I tried until I couldn't try anymore. I can look at my life and say that I left my mark. Whether people appreciate it or not, only time will tell. You on the other hand, if you think this is the way to go, obviously nothing I say will change your mind so go on and do it.
Go Die.
We've all been sick, some of us more severely than others, but in the times when I was ill at least I had the decency to tell my friends what i was sick from. At least then they were in the loop as far as what was going on. I never screamed fire in a theater, then didn't stick around to show them where the smoke was coming from. That's the most screwed up thing you can do. How dare you pull a guilt trip like that on me, then expect for me NOT to ask about what's going on.
If you want to run off somewhere and die alone, there is nothing I can do to stop that. Luckily some of us have a choice on how we want to die. Others do not. I suppose those of us who can choose our demise should die the way we want to. If you want to die alone and bitter at life just because you got cancer, then go ahead. If you want to hide it all from us, then fine. If you want to be forgotten and not leave some sort of legacy, it's your choice.
You want all that? Fine. Then go die. You want to push everyone away? Fine, go die. At least when i go I can say that I tried until I couldn't try anymore. I can look at my life and say that I left my mark. Whether people appreciate it or not, only time will tell. You on the other hand, if you think this is the way to go, obviously nothing I say will change your mind so go on and do it.
Go Die.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Be Coming Apart
An unsolvable riddle.
Smiles are plentiful and all around.
Routine determines my mood,
But not once do I speak truth, sequester,
lies abound
Apparition of impulse, but temptation waits
Souls can be no bother.
Chained you to life and given you purpose
I do not share that wish
with you
Through a glass house, so you think
You look at me and cherish, but I am no part
You want me to see you as well
I smile and deceive you, perception’s invention
for so long
Atmospheres are not false, but acuity is
My smiles depict falsehoods, but not story
I do this, all this, because of what’s expected
So I leave life as it is, while holding onto
an empty bottle
Smiles are plentiful and all around.
Routine determines my mood,
But not once do I speak truth, sequester,
lies abound
Apparition of impulse, but temptation waits
Souls can be no bother.
Chained you to life and given you purpose
I do not share that wish
with you
Through a glass house, so you think
You look at me and cherish, but I am no part
You want me to see you as well
I smile and deceive you, perception’s invention
for so long
Atmospheres are not false, but acuity is
My smiles depict falsehoods, but not story
I do this, all this, because of what’s expected
So I leave life as it is, while holding onto
an empty bottle
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Massive Changes to Chapter 5
Decided to include a huge storyline that I'd initially decided against putting into chapter five. It makes more sense now so I am adding a large portion of work to that chapter. So far, it takes up about an extra three pages which is still small considering the book is approaching 500. I've alerted my proofer and they were not really upset, but not sure if they were happy that I decided to add the additional material. They'd just finished going through the book and found the story entertaining and at times, captivating. I am not making the storyline so big that it completely changes the direction of the book, but I think it will enrich the growth of one of my characters so it's going in.
Other than that, I am reconsidering the release date. As I mentioned I set the date tentatively as I knew I might face a few delays. I may have to push it back about a week as I completely forgot to take into account that i will have finals the week before and will likely be concentrating on them so much that I may neglect the book and not hit the date. I don't want to pressure myself to the point where I release a mediocre work and disappoint people. I will keep the date as is, but it may change.
Other than that, I am reconsidering the release date. As I mentioned I set the date tentatively as I knew I might face a few delays. I may have to push it back about a week as I completely forgot to take into account that i will have finals the week before and will likely be concentrating on them so much that I may neglect the book and not hit the date. I don't want to pressure myself to the point where I release a mediocre work and disappoint people. I will keep the date as is, but it may change.
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