Lose You

I am considering writing an alternate ending to my book. I know, somethings shouldn't be redone or rewritten which is why I am still sticking to my original ending...but as with a lot of things in this world, sometimes you just have to wonder how different things would be if you would have ended up taking one road over another instead of your chosen path. Sometimes you can't help but think what more could you have done to change a particular outcome. This line of thinking is irrational, I agree...however as i previously mentioned, sometimes you can't help but wonder.

In this alternate ending, something remarkably dramatic will happen and it will change the way the book is perceived as a whole which is why it will probably be written, but never used. I can't imagine doing this in a book that's had as many ups and downs as this one has had. If i were to end the book in this alternate way, it would leave the reader with a sense of loss and despair so to use it would be ignoring the point of why I wrote the story to begin with. If this writing is successful, would I ever release the alternate ending? I'm not sure. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I don't want to sully the legacy of the characters and putting the alternate ending out there may raise questions. You may then be asking "why even write it if you have no intention of ever using it?" Again, as I said before, sometimes you just can't help but wonder what life would have been like had one simple decision been different. If you had chosen to not go to a gathering or if you had chosen not to go out with the person who is now your spouse or the co-parent of your children. One simple decision can change the course of your entire life. In extreme cases, it can literally mean the difference between someone living and dying. Will someone else die in my alternate ending? I guess I will just have to wait and see where my "pen" takes me.

Chapter 25

Was difficult at first, but I was able to end this chapter on a very funny note. In fact, if I wanted to, I could simply end the book here and just go back and fill in the plot holes. I mean the ending to this chapter is solid and entertaining, but I think one more (or maybe two more) unforeseen twists will need to happen to really make this thing remarkable. I already know what I want to write, it's just a matter of getting it down. I am going to write at least two more chapters and see how they turn out. If they end up being trash, no big deal. I don't think they will though as they will just add another level to the overall story which to me looks both heartfelt and enthralling.

The end is near and I must admit, I am getting a little teary eyed as I know this journey of story writing will soon end. As some other writers do, I've grown attached to these characters and I wish I could keep writing about them, but for the sake of their legacy, their story will definitely end here. I know that sounds a little harsh and who knows...maybe a few years from now these two characters will have experienced more and have something personal to say. If that day comes, maybe they will get a loving update. However, once published, I have no intention of changing the story.

Chapter 24

Short and to the point. I admit I padded this one a little. I was originally going to stop it at 11 pages, but that's a bit light for my taste so I added a little more; brought in a secondary character and added a short dream. It eventually ended with 16 pages, but as with all my writing, it will probably inflate to at least 18-20 after editing. Chapter 25 is the culmination so it will be a little hard to write. If I really wanted to, I could simply end the book there, but I think I want to throw a little curve ball  and see how that works out. If i find it too much after the fact, I can always cut it.

Chapter 23

Loooong. Not super long, but long enough. At Almost 11k words, it was a good size. I could have actually made it longer, but I chose to end it where it was. It may end up being longer anyway as I am sure things will get added in the editing process. Was also looking up some information about self publishing and the prospects for getting my work out there relatively easy are good. Seems most digital books are done via PDF now and I found a sight that will get it setup and ready to be read for free. It will work on various eBook readers too such as the B&N Nook and the Amazon Kindle. Very happy about that. With the ending of this chapter, I realize that I am pretty much in the home stretch and all I need now if maybe 3-4 more chapters to wrap things up. What a long, strange trip its been, but I am happy to almost be done with it. Once i have it all out, there is still plenty of work to be done though. Editing, i find is one of my strengths as long as I have time to do the research and properly spell check, etc...which as you can see on a majority of my posts I simply don't do. I hope that I can get a few people at the college to read it for me and offer some constructive criticism so that I may put out the best book possible. I may give a way a few copies as well just to see what people think of it.

Holiday Gift

You know what the greatest holiday gift for me is? No, it's not the super special awesome wool cap I asked for or the gift cards i got. Sure, spending time with my family was great and while I do appreciate that, I have to be a little self centered here and say that coming up with the perfect climatic ending for my book is the best thing. I woke up today and it was all just there, as if i dreamed it all the night before. I was up at about 5am on my own, and not because it was Christmas because honestly, I don't really care too much for the holiday anymore. Yet on this day, I figured out the ending to my work and I couldn't be happier. It's so simple yet so perfect that I don't even have to outline it to remember. It's engraved in my heart and mind, so much so that you'd have thought I lived it. I have only one other person to thank for this literary bounty. Have a good holiday and be safe.

 

Chapter 22

Doesn't get much faster than that. It was a shorter chapter, but I got the characters in the position I needed them to be in. Now comes the huge explanation from her and he will remain mostly silent as she tells the tale. I am most excited about this chapter as I get to fill virtually every plot hole with a single chapter. There are really only 2-3 questions that will not be answered in this chapter so it will be a good one.

Chapter 21

Wow. It's done. Revisions will of course be made, but I got it all out on paper. I changed my original idea and I think it was for the better. I am much happier with the way this newer idea turned out as when I explored the old one, it seemed a little too sappy and there is already enough raw emotion in this book that I felt the old idea was simply overkill. With its completion, I am ready to immediately get started on Chapter 22. This one has the two main characters spending a significant amount of time together after being apart for almost a month. She has a ton to explain to him and he is very much ready to hear it. 22 will have a ton of dialog mostly from the vast amount of explaining that she will give him. I already know how 22 will end as well so this one should go by relatively fast.

Chapter 20

Had to do a lot of research for this one as I had the main character on a plane, getting a car and driving to a specific location. Researching the directions wasn't so bad, but I wanted to feature a specific place in San Francisco and sadly there aren't a lot of pictures available to really give me a point of reference. I wanted to be able to almost walk through the neighborhood so I could really paint the picture, but in keeping with my time table, I used what I could find and figured I was going to go back and revise anyway so I will go with what I have. The main character has literally walked through the door which will lead into the big huge amazing humongous chapter 21...which may actually not be very long content wise, but the impact I hope will make the book all I was hoping it would be. Chapter 22 will have a ton of dialog and i mean a TON as our protagonist has a lot of things explained to him that were never rightfully told to him earlier in the book. Chapter 23 will see the culmination of 22 and 24 will be...i still haven't decided. It's been a real heartbreaking experience trying to figure out how to end the book...I have a three really great ideas, but I am trying to balance a happy ending with a very tragic end. I am thinking a bittersweet ending, but in all honesty I really hate stories that end that way as the last chapter leaves you with a sense of ambiguity, like nothing was ever really settled and you walk away feeling like there was something left unsaid...i HATE that! Even a sad ending will leave you with answers to the biggest questions. Some people feel a happy ending isn't realistic enough, but believe me, my idea of a happy ending to a story isn't exactly what others may think. I don't write Disney stories so if it is a happy ending, it won't be "happily ever after".

 

Chapter 19

The big build up is almost done. Chapter 19 turned into something I wasn't really looking to do, but it turned out really well. It had the main character conversing with two people familiar with his situation and one of them finally made a real impact on him. Chapter 20 has him doing something completely out of character for him and as he does it he is trying to figure out why and how it will all work out. 20 will also bring back our long ignored 2nd lead, but she will appear toward the very end of the chapter as most of it will be focused on the journey to her and not necessarily feature her. The 2nd major part of the storyline is to be written very soon and it seems my dreams have pushed another idea into focus. Olivia once again has sent a little nugget of inspiration to me and it makes the climax in 21 seem much easier to write.

Chapter 18

Another bomb dropped and an argument with a surprising end. Chapter 18 was tasty stuff. Very happy with it. I wanted it to be a shorter chapter and it was, but boy was it explosive! I still cannot understand why I feel I do my best work in the middle of the night. Here is it, 430 at night and I just wrote chapter 18 in about 2 hours and looking back at it, I think it's some of the best dialog I've done in the entire book. Chapter 19 sees our main character doing something he said he'd never do. Should be interesting to write it.

Chapter 17

Turned out a little longer than i first anticipated, but it was good. The ending of it was a little difficult for me for some reason and I may go back to revise that part. It answered a few more questions and put the ball back in the court of the protagonist after the big blow up from a few chapters before. It also got him thinking about what he needs or should do with the situation. He is quickly realizing he cannot just sit back and ignore it. It has to be addressed whether he likes it or not. A supporting character is helping him alone, but as with most matters of the heart, your friends can only push you so far, then it's up to you to figure out what's best. He is at that stage now and Chapter 17 will see him finally making a decision. I obviously know what decision he will make, but the way I want to write it is still up in the air. Either way, I know the hardest part of this book for me is coming up, probably in chapter 19 as I will have to get incredibly descriptive with how I paint a particular event. I hope I can pull this off. Frankly, I am a little worried. I have been writing all this time and the culmination of all my efforts sadly rests on one event which if not written just right can really make this work look like complete trash. Let me get my main character to the show first, then perhaps worry about how it's going to be played out.

Finals

Done...

 

Were you expecting more? Sorry.

Lettuce Garden

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Olivia Lufkin"][/caption]

Had the English final today. I think I may have freaked out a few of my classmates and maybe my teacher as well. When I write, I tend to get in a zone, either by listening to music or almost talking to myself as a song plays in my head. I knew that although the class had been relatively easy for me up until this point, I really wanted to bring the goods and prove to myself that I could successfully write and edit a paper in less than 30 minutes. After the exam time started, I sat there staring at the ceiling for about 5 minutes, drumming my fingers rhythmically on my legs. I was playing Olivia Lufkins "Lettuce Garden" in my head the entire time and sure enough, about 10 minutes in, it hit me and i started writing non stop for 20 minutes. I got 4 pages down and took 10 minutes to edit and make corrections in spelling grammar, and word organization. I felt like 100 ton train barreling though the exam like it was nothing, popping out sentences left and right and from time to time, i tossed my head back to break my view of the screen so that I may continue my train of thought...so to speak. I rocked my head back and forth and started mouthing the lyrics to the song as I wrote, which inadvertently drew the attention of at least 3 of my classmates and I am sure a strange look from my instructor.

Needless to say, I felt it was one of my best works and I hit my 30 minute marker I had set forth without so much as breaking a sweat. Most of my class mates were struggling to make the 2 page minimum requirement while I managed to blast that wall to pieces rather easily. Thanks goes to my beacon of inspiration, Olivia Lufkin, once again. With a single song I was able to burn that building to the ground and show not only myself , but my peers that I could do it.

Chapter 16

Turned out to be a little longer than I thought, but as I was wrapping it, I got into that writer's groove and just went with it. What was supposed to be about 2 more pages turned into 9 and the re-emergence of a character that sorely needed it. One character saw their exit which I was happy about because sadly they weren't terribly appealing and I had a hard time coming up with material for them. Monday is a study day for me as my English final is Tuesday. The final is easy stuff and I know I will ace it, but still i want to make sure i Have the right organization for the in class paper I have to write. Chapter 17 will be the culmination of a friendship in the book that needs to finally make it's way to more solid ground. Once that is done, chapter 18 looks to be another big build up to a second major section of the book which has the two main characters trying to figure out what they have to do to make things they way they were or at least try to make things workout for them.

The Sound of Silence

There was no school today. My day felt empty as it appears I have grown accustomed to always having somewhere to go and be. I woke up at 8am this morning which is an oddity for me. My earlier class used to be at 10am so I would usually set my alarm for 9am. Sleep is escaping me lately and my dreams are turning horrific for some reason. I am not sure why either. I was able to get a final done and I am sure I aced it so why was I feeling so out of sorts? I found myself in one of my books called All He Ever Wanted by Anita Shreve. I do love her style of writing, it's creative and clustering theme seems to rise and flow with the sea and it's character development is paced just right. I started the book in September, but shelved it as I was trying to concentrate on school for the most part along with writing my novel. The only problem I am having is that I cannot put a face to her characters.

Generally when I read a book, I can picture some one, sometimes an actor or a person I know and assign that image to the character so I can play the book as a movie in my head. I am having trouble doing this for some reason and I know it's not her fault. He book, while a little long, is terrific and it's keeping me enthralled. I keep thinking that writing my novel is in a way tearing at my soul. My sleeplessness is getting progressively worse as I am now having to rely on chemical methods to ensure I sleep a decent amount of hours. Without, I tend to toss almost constantly and when I do sleep, it's for perhaps 10 to 15 minutes at a time. I keep finding myself waking and looking for the clock, even though I do not have anywhere to be. In the event that I do have to wake, I always set my alarm, yet I still find myself waking up and looking at the clock. I am beginning to think that I may purposely start to face the clock away from me at night so that I may not give into temptation.

Through all this, there is no sound. It is eerily quiet and it almost disturbing. I used to love the quiet as it allowed me to read uninterrupted and there are times when I do play my music. In fact when I write, it's very rare that I do not have something playing. In the time I spend on my novel, I usually have artists like The Verve, Katie Melua, Kevin Macleod, Smashing Pumpkins, and of course Olivia Lufkin  playing lightly for me in the background. Still, from time to time, I hear nothing but silence and I find myself sitting and staring off into space.

 

Chapter 15

Will need a lot of revising. I had a hard time focusing on this chapter because of the scattered feelings that the character feels. I was able to focus  little toward the end, but the for a bout 3-4 pages things felt muggy and shadowed. Thankfully I was able to get through it. A lot of secrets were revealed in 15 so it's very dialog heavy. Also my protagonist and a supporting character got much closer. I may need to go back and scale it down a bit as it may, to some readers, put to much of a story shift and cause people to think about what may be really happening here. There was also the introduction of another supporting character who on the surface is an extremely greedy person, however as the story unfolds they develop into a truly great friend to one of the characters. Chapter 16 will see a small style shift and within this part of the book, the holiday season will be played out. It should make for good drama for those who love a good juicy story.

Chapter 14

Was hard, but it's done. The longest chapter so far and yes, as with the others it will need revisions. Setting up the bomb was difficult and I know I want to rework a few parts of it, but I was able to get the main parts done and it makes sense. I am just glad to be done with it for now. I actually jumped right into Chapter 15 and I am already 10 pages in. I may be finished with it by the nights end. That would be great.

mOBSCENE

Having a bit of a hard time finishing this current chapter. It's by fat eh hardest part to write because of the content and the emotion involved. The following chapters will be just as hard so it's taking me some time to get my thoughts situated. Toward the end of the chapter, there is to be a huge scene with a lot of various characters involved and I am trying to direct the scene in my mind. Figuring out who speaks, who doesn't, who stands where, who talks to who, it's a hell of a task. Most of my scenes only involved between 2-4 people where as this one could involved upwards of 10 people, possibly even up to 30 or 40 people. It's like watching a personal movie in my mind and I am trying to organize it. I guess this is what will seperate me from the fakers.

I am also trying to keep the cussing in my book to a minimum but this scene is where a majority of it will come out and I am trying to find a middle ground here. You can only sub in so many words till eventually to express the true grittiness of the situation you gotta toss in a few four letter bombs to bring realism to the scene. I hope I can manage alright.

 

Escape the Flames

It seems you can never really get away from an ex of yours. Although I have never told her about my blog, she managed to find it and decided to leave me a little nastigram, still trying to hold me down and make me feel worthless. While both comforted by the fact that some things will never change, it's also nice because every time she does this it simply reinforces my decision to leave her. I guess she never figured that I'd be able to find out who she is, but as usual, she underestimates me.

 

BTW, here is her IP address. Have at it. 70.123.145.110

 

Chapter 13

I pushed the craziness to the next chapter, opting to build a little more suspense before the dropping of the proverbial bomb. Still, the chapter was quite good, allowing the characters to get even closer before things get all weird...n stuff. I am glad to get it done and now I think I am going to take a long nap...and I say long nap cause I know even if I fall asleep now at just before 8pm, I will wake up at 11pm like clockwork. I don't have class till noon tomorrow and it's a review day before our finals next week so should be nice and light. It took a total of 4 pills to get me to sleep last night and of course today I am feeling the after effects. Tired all day long, it was tough to write the programs I needed for my programming class, but I am still happy, getting to finish this chapter the way I wanted to without much difficulty. There was one part where I struggled a little, having never written anything quite like it, but I managed. I am sure I can rework it and see if I can make it better.

Chapter 12

Finished. Got my main idea across in it, plus I was able to develop another character that needed a little more background. This next chapter may be the big one. This is where the poop hits the fan...sub in another word if you like. This is where things start getting insane. Things got a little out there the last few chapters, but this is where the bomb gets dropped. This is where the WTF moment comes into play and it's kind of crazy. In other words if there is only one chapter that gets read from my book, it better be this chapter.

Hoshizora no Waltz

It's been difficult, but I am going to force myself to write Chapter 12. I have come this far and I shouldn't just cash in my chips just yet. My goal was to write a heartfelt and touching story about two people who find each other through the strangest of circumstances, regardless of how unlikely it may seem. I don't care if people read it and call it crap or find the story unbelievable. Fact is regardless of how crazy my story is, I know true life is indeed stranger than fiction so if they don't see the beauty in my story, I really don't care. Instead of just becoming a slave to my emotions, I am rededicating myself and not only writing the story for a certain some one else, but also for myself. It's going to happen and it's going to be completed one way or another. At times I am knocking out a chapter and a half a night so there is no lock of inspiration. It's simply trying to cope with all the emotions that come along with writing a story that comes straight from the heart. I don't care if Finals are around the corner, I am not letting up. I am not sure how I am going to distribute the work once it's finished, but I want as many people as possible to read it and again, if you think it's crap, so be it.

Chapter 11

Is down and so am I. This was much more emotionally draining that I thought it would be. Not sure how much longer I can live this double life. Regardless it's done and now we are going to jump into chapter 12 by jumping ahead about 4 weeks in time while one of my main characters is in Japan on a business trip.

Do you all ever look at the recommended tags as they generate on the fly? Just from the first paragraph I've written, already it has populated "Lesbian" and Don't Ask, Don't Tell" for me...wth? I didn't even get close to talking about that in the first paragraph. Sounds like their algorithm needs work. Uh oh, now "Player Piano" just popped up...this is weird stuff.

Precious Things

As writers, we are often told that we lead a second life and that as we write we deal with our emotions of our real lives along with those of our "writing life". I couldn't agree more on this as I am finding it more difficult to separate my "writing life" feelings from my real life feelings. Take this novel I am writing. The first few chapters were fine, I was able to handle all the emotion quite well. However these last couple of chapters are the real heart of the book and it's getting very difficult to handle all of what I am writing. It's 100% fiction mind you, but to express the feelings of my characters I find ti necessary to take on their emotional baggage. My writing turns our great, however when it's time to turn off the computer and get some sleep, I find myself tossing and turning with my emotions working overtime. I know i am making too close a connection between myself and my characters, but if I don't have that connection, my writing suffers.

If anyone knows any techniques on how to keep my writing edge, yet be able to separate myself from the baggage that comes with it, that would be quite helpful.

Chapter 10

Was hard to write. It is longer than any other chapter. I seem to be doing that more and more. Apparently I have a lot more to write about than I had originally thought. The characters explored a bit of turmoil not only between each other but with others as well. A secondary character has found her way back into the fold and is threatening to take on third main character status. She will not be in the story as much as the current mains, but she plays a big role, so I guess we could call her first supporting character. I was able to do a fairly decent job with multi-character dialog and I was quite happy with the exchanges. As with all writing, there will be polishing and this chapter should grow to even larger proportions when it comes time to edit. I may turn in early tonight, but if I wake up at like 1am, I am sure I will be tempted to start chapter 11...who knows.

Sweet Dreams

Apparently it's my turn to start dreaming of various different book and movie ideas. Tonights was a bit violent, the second one at least. The first was standard fair. And to better explain what I mean by "tonight" i was asleep by 6pm and got out of bed by 11pm, waking up several times throughout my "night".

The first was Olivia and I, but our topic of discussion was a little different. We sat there in a coffee shop and we were discussing her stress levels. I was offering her suggestions to help ease it so that her health wouldn't suffer. We sipped our drinks and looked outside, watching people walk by and go about their lives.

The second...was kind of insane. I assure you I am not some loony. This was just one of those weird dreams that's kind of unexplainable, yet interesting. I was with a group of time travelers and we would jump from different versions of out world, parallel dimensions. We were trying to find out way back to our world which mathematically speaking may be impossible since according to many scientists there could be an infinite number of parallel universes out there. The only way to force ourselves to move from time to time was to murder ourselves in our current time. Usually it was not difficult to find us, most of the time we found ourselves at home, school, work, etc. There were a total of five of us doing this. Myself, 3 women and another man. The man was about late 20s, one of the woman was a young girl, maybe about 15, then there was a somewhat younger woman about early 20s, then an older woman who was about 45. We had apparently been doing this for some time as we had become exceedingly good at quite literally killing ourselves. We usually hunted as a group to assure our success. We would hunt for myself and the other man...the other me and the other guy to be clear...so that we can move on to the usually easier female targets. As we hunted, we would surround the locations of our other selves and move in for the kill with precision. The other guy would usually break in and scare the other us, flushing them out of the house or into a place in their location where they would be trapped. Once cornered, we would without much talk execute the other us, then move on to our next target. We continued doing this for what felt like 50-60 times and of course we were never transported home after the final kill.

The logic told us that when we got home, we would not find our other selves and that we would simply know we got back because it would "feel" like home. Finally after another successful hunt, we failed to "jump" to a new dimension, thus ending our journey. Out of frustration and knowing we would never get home, we began killing each other. The other man killed the teenager and the woman in her 20 ran for her life. The older woman and the  other man hunted each other for what seemed like ages. Finally the man caught up to the older woman and shot her 4-5 times. While she was dying, he moved over top of her and began to chastise her, seemingly blaming her for our not getting home. While he was talking trash, she was able to lift up her shot gun and shoot him in the face, killing him instantly. I heard the shot and ran over to see what was happening. When i got close, the woman was still alive, but barely physically functional. I knelled down besides her and assured her I wasn't there to kill her. As I watched her die, i took her hand to offer her some comfort and told her that I didn't think it was her fault, that this was something bigger than ourselves. Sitting there I did not hear the woman in her 20s come back and put a gun to my head. I told her I was unarmed and had not shot the older woman or the dead man lying next to her. I told her that I had no intention of hunting her and that it was pointless for us to kill each other as it would never help us get home. Still cautious, the woman slowly backed out of the room and left again. I looked back down at the older woman to see that she had expired.

I walked out of a building covered in blood, almost in shock over the ordeal I had gone through. I fell to the ground and the woman in her 20 reappeared. She said she thinks she figured out how to get us home and it didn't involve murder. She sat next to me and held my hand as rain began to fall. The drops washed away the blood from the both of us and we fell to sleep. When we awoke we were home, sitting on a park bench surrounded by children and families having a good time there. We both knew we were home. We exchanged handshakes and vowed to never speak of the misadventure that we shared. We both turned away from each other and walked away.