Lose You

I am considering writing an alternate ending to my book. I know, somethings shouldn't be redone or rewritten which is why I am still sticking to my original ending...but as with a lot of things in this world, sometimes you just have to wonder how different things would be if you would have ended up taking one road over another instead of your chosen path. Sometimes you can't help but think what more could you have done to change a particular outcome. This line of thinking is irrational, I agree...however as i previously mentioned, sometimes you can't help but wonder.

In this alternate ending, something remarkably dramatic will happen and it will change the way the book is perceived as a whole which is why it will probably be written, but never used. I can't imagine doing this in a book that's had as many ups and downs as this one has had. If i were to end the book in this alternate way, it would leave the reader with a sense of loss and despair so to use it would be ignoring the point of why I wrote the story to begin with. If this writing is successful, would I ever release the alternate ending? I'm not sure. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I don't want to sully the legacy of the characters and putting the alternate ending out there may raise questions. You may then be asking "why even write it if you have no intention of ever using it?" Again, as I said before, sometimes you just can't help but wonder what life would have been like had one simple decision been different. If you had chosen to not go to a gathering or if you had chosen not to go out with the person who is now your spouse or the co-parent of your children. One simple decision can change the course of your entire life. In extreme cases, it can literally mean the difference between someone living and dying. Will someone else die in my alternate ending? I guess I will just have to wait and see where my "pen" takes me.

Chapter 25

Was difficult at first, but I was able to end this chapter on a very funny note. In fact, if I wanted to, I could simply end the book here and just go back and fill in the plot holes. I mean the ending to this chapter is solid and entertaining, but I think one more (or maybe two more) unforeseen twists will need to happen to really make this thing remarkable. I already know what I want to write, it's just a matter of getting it down. I am going to write at least two more chapters and see how they turn out. If they end up being trash, no big deal. I don't think they will though as they will just add another level to the overall story which to me looks both heartfelt and enthralling.

The end is near and I must admit, I am getting a little teary eyed as I know this journey of story writing will soon end. As some other writers do, I've grown attached to these characters and I wish I could keep writing about them, but for the sake of their legacy, their story will definitely end here. I know that sounds a little harsh and who knows...maybe a few years from now these two characters will have experienced more and have something personal to say. If that day comes, maybe they will get a loving update. However, once published, I have no intention of changing the story.

Chapter 24

Short and to the point. I admit I padded this one a little. I was originally going to stop it at 11 pages, but that's a bit light for my taste so I added a little more; brought in a secondary character and added a short dream. It eventually ended with 16 pages, but as with all my writing, it will probably inflate to at least 18-20 after editing. Chapter 25 is the culmination so it will be a little hard to write. If I really wanted to, I could simply end the book there, but I think I want to throw a little curve ball  and see how that works out. If i find it too much after the fact, I can always cut it.

Chapter 23

Loooong. Not super long, but long enough. At Almost 11k words, it was a good size. I could have actually made it longer, but I chose to end it where it was. It may end up being longer anyway as I am sure things will get added in the editing process. Was also looking up some information about self publishing and the prospects for getting my work out there relatively easy are good. Seems most digital books are done via PDF now and I found a sight that will get it setup and ready to be read for free. It will work on various eBook readers too such as the B&N Nook and the Amazon Kindle. Very happy about that. With the ending of this chapter, I realize that I am pretty much in the home stretch and all I need now if maybe 3-4 more chapters to wrap things up. What a long, strange trip its been, but I am happy to almost be done with it. Once i have it all out, there is still plenty of work to be done though. Editing, i find is one of my strengths as long as I have time to do the research and properly spell check, etc...which as you can see on a majority of my posts I simply don't do. I hope that I can get a few people at the college to read it for me and offer some constructive criticism so that I may put out the best book possible. I may give a way a few copies as well just to see what people think of it.

Holiday Gift

You know what the greatest holiday gift for me is? No, it's not the super special awesome wool cap I asked for or the gift cards i got. Sure, spending time with my family was great and while I do appreciate that, I have to be a little self centered here and say that coming up with the perfect climatic ending for my book is the best thing. I woke up today and it was all just there, as if i dreamed it all the night before. I was up at about 5am on my own, and not because it was Christmas because honestly, I don't really care too much for the holiday anymore. Yet on this day, I figured out the ending to my work and I couldn't be happier. It's so simple yet so perfect that I don't even have to outline it to remember. It's engraved in my heart and mind, so much so that you'd have thought I lived it. I have only one other person to thank for this literary bounty. Have a good holiday and be safe.

 

Chapter 22

Doesn't get much faster than that. It was a shorter chapter, but I got the characters in the position I needed them to be in. Now comes the huge explanation from her and he will remain mostly silent as she tells the tale. I am most excited about this chapter as I get to fill virtually every plot hole with a single chapter. There are really only 2-3 questions that will not be answered in this chapter so it will be a good one.

Chapter 21

Wow. It's done. Revisions will of course be made, but I got it all out on paper. I changed my original idea and I think it was for the better. I am much happier with the way this newer idea turned out as when I explored the old one, it seemed a little too sappy and there is already enough raw emotion in this book that I felt the old idea was simply overkill. With its completion, I am ready to immediately get started on Chapter 22. This one has the two main characters spending a significant amount of time together after being apart for almost a month. She has a ton to explain to him and he is very much ready to hear it. 22 will have a ton of dialog mostly from the vast amount of explaining that she will give him. I already know how 22 will end as well so this one should go by relatively fast.

Chapter 20

Had to do a lot of research for this one as I had the main character on a plane, getting a car and driving to a specific location. Researching the directions wasn't so bad, but I wanted to feature a specific place in San Francisco and sadly there aren't a lot of pictures available to really give me a point of reference. I wanted to be able to almost walk through the neighborhood so I could really paint the picture, but in keeping with my time table, I used what I could find and figured I was going to go back and revise anyway so I will go with what I have. The main character has literally walked through the door which will lead into the big huge amazing humongous chapter 21...which may actually not be very long content wise, but the impact I hope will make the book all I was hoping it would be. Chapter 22 will have a ton of dialog and i mean a TON as our protagonist has a lot of things explained to him that were never rightfully told to him earlier in the book. Chapter 23 will see the culmination of 22 and 24 will be...i still haven't decided. It's been a real heartbreaking experience trying to figure out how to end the book...I have a three really great ideas, but I am trying to balance a happy ending with a very tragic end. I am thinking a bittersweet ending, but in all honesty I really hate stories that end that way as the last chapter leaves you with a sense of ambiguity, like nothing was ever really settled and you walk away feeling like there was something left unsaid...i HATE that! Even a sad ending will leave you with answers to the biggest questions. Some people feel a happy ending isn't realistic enough, but believe me, my idea of a happy ending to a story isn't exactly what others may think. I don't write Disney stories so if it is a happy ending, it won't be "happily ever after".

 

Chapter 19

The big build up is almost done. Chapter 19 turned into something I wasn't really looking to do, but it turned out really well. It had the main character conversing with two people familiar with his situation and one of them finally made a real impact on him. Chapter 20 has him doing something completely out of character for him and as he does it he is trying to figure out why and how it will all work out. 20 will also bring back our long ignored 2nd lead, but she will appear toward the very end of the chapter as most of it will be focused on the journey to her and not necessarily feature her. The 2nd major part of the storyline is to be written very soon and it seems my dreams have pushed another idea into focus. Olivia once again has sent a little nugget of inspiration to me and it makes the climax in 21 seem much easier to write.

Chapter 18

Another bomb dropped and an argument with a surprising end. Chapter 18 was tasty stuff. Very happy with it. I wanted it to be a shorter chapter and it was, but boy was it explosive! I still cannot understand why I feel I do my best work in the middle of the night. Here is it, 430 at night and I just wrote chapter 18 in about 2 hours and looking back at it, I think it's some of the best dialog I've done in the entire book. Chapter 19 sees our main character doing something he said he'd never do. Should be interesting to write it.

Chapter 17

Turned out a little longer than i first anticipated, but it was good. The ending of it was a little difficult for me for some reason and I may go back to revise that part. It answered a few more questions and put the ball back in the court of the protagonist after the big blow up from a few chapters before. It also got him thinking about what he needs or should do with the situation. He is quickly realizing he cannot just sit back and ignore it. It has to be addressed whether he likes it or not. A supporting character is helping him alone, but as with most matters of the heart, your friends can only push you so far, then it's up to you to figure out what's best. He is at that stage now and Chapter 17 will see him finally making a decision. I obviously know what decision he will make, but the way I want to write it is still up in the air. Either way, I know the hardest part of this book for me is coming up, probably in chapter 19 as I will have to get incredibly descriptive with how I paint a particular event. I hope I can pull this off. Frankly, I am a little worried. I have been writing all this time and the culmination of all my efforts sadly rests on one event which if not written just right can really make this work look like complete trash. Let me get my main character to the show first, then perhaps worry about how it's going to be played out.

Finals

Done...

 

Were you expecting more? Sorry.

Lettuce Garden

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Olivia Lufkin"][/caption]

Had the English final today. I think I may have freaked out a few of my classmates and maybe my teacher as well. When I write, I tend to get in a zone, either by listening to music or almost talking to myself as a song plays in my head. I knew that although the class had been relatively easy for me up until this point, I really wanted to bring the goods and prove to myself that I could successfully write and edit a paper in less than 30 minutes. After the exam time started, I sat there staring at the ceiling for about 5 minutes, drumming my fingers rhythmically on my legs. I was playing Olivia Lufkins "Lettuce Garden" in my head the entire time and sure enough, about 10 minutes in, it hit me and i started writing non stop for 20 minutes. I got 4 pages down and took 10 minutes to edit and make corrections in spelling grammar, and word organization. I felt like 100 ton train barreling though the exam like it was nothing, popping out sentences left and right and from time to time, i tossed my head back to break my view of the screen so that I may continue my train of thought...so to speak. I rocked my head back and forth and started mouthing the lyrics to the song as I wrote, which inadvertently drew the attention of at least 3 of my classmates and I am sure a strange look from my instructor.

Needless to say, I felt it was one of my best works and I hit my 30 minute marker I had set forth without so much as breaking a sweat. Most of my class mates were struggling to make the 2 page minimum requirement while I managed to blast that wall to pieces rather easily. Thanks goes to my beacon of inspiration, Olivia Lufkin, once again. With a single song I was able to burn that building to the ground and show not only myself , but my peers that I could do it.

Chapter 16

Turned out to be a little longer than I thought, but as I was wrapping it, I got into that writer's groove and just went with it. What was supposed to be about 2 more pages turned into 9 and the re-emergence of a character that sorely needed it. One character saw their exit which I was happy about because sadly they weren't terribly appealing and I had a hard time coming up with material for them. Monday is a study day for me as my English final is Tuesday. The final is easy stuff and I know I will ace it, but still i want to make sure i Have the right organization for the in class paper I have to write. Chapter 17 will be the culmination of a friendship in the book that needs to finally make it's way to more solid ground. Once that is done, chapter 18 looks to be another big build up to a second major section of the book which has the two main characters trying to figure out what they have to do to make things they way they were or at least try to make things workout for them.

The Sound of Silence

There was no school today. My day felt empty as it appears I have grown accustomed to always having somewhere to go and be. I woke up at 8am this morning which is an oddity for me. My earlier class used to be at 10am so I would usually set my alarm for 9am. Sleep is escaping me lately and my dreams are turning horrific for some reason. I am not sure why either. I was able to get a final done and I am sure I aced it so why was I feeling so out of sorts? I found myself in one of my books called All He Ever Wanted by Anita Shreve. I do love her style of writing, it's creative and clustering theme seems to rise and flow with the sea and it's character development is paced just right. I started the book in September, but shelved it as I was trying to concentrate on school for the most part along with writing my novel. The only problem I am having is that I cannot put a face to her characters.

Generally when I read a book, I can picture some one, sometimes an actor or a person I know and assign that image to the character so I can play the book as a movie in my head. I am having trouble doing this for some reason and I know it's not her fault. He book, while a little long, is terrific and it's keeping me enthralled. I keep thinking that writing my novel is in a way tearing at my soul. My sleeplessness is getting progressively worse as I am now having to rely on chemical methods to ensure I sleep a decent amount of hours. Without, I tend to toss almost constantly and when I do sleep, it's for perhaps 10 to 15 minutes at a time. I keep finding myself waking and looking for the clock, even though I do not have anywhere to be. In the event that I do have to wake, I always set my alarm, yet I still find myself waking up and looking at the clock. I am beginning to think that I may purposely start to face the clock away from me at night so that I may not give into temptation.

Through all this, there is no sound. It is eerily quiet and it almost disturbing. I used to love the quiet as it allowed me to read uninterrupted and there are times when I do play my music. In fact when I write, it's very rare that I do not have something playing. In the time I spend on my novel, I usually have artists like The Verve, Katie Melua, Kevin Macleod, Smashing Pumpkins, and of course Olivia Lufkin  playing lightly for me in the background. Still, from time to time, I hear nothing but silence and I find myself sitting and staring off into space.

 

Chapter 15

Will need a lot of revising. I had a hard time focusing on this chapter because of the scattered feelings that the character feels. I was able to focus  little toward the end, but the for a bout 3-4 pages things felt muggy and shadowed. Thankfully I was able to get through it. A lot of secrets were revealed in 15 so it's very dialog heavy. Also my protagonist and a supporting character got much closer. I may need to go back and scale it down a bit as it may, to some readers, put to much of a story shift and cause people to think about what may be really happening here. There was also the introduction of another supporting character who on the surface is an extremely greedy person, however as the story unfolds they develop into a truly great friend to one of the characters. Chapter 16 will see a small style shift and within this part of the book, the holiday season will be played out. It should make for good drama for those who love a good juicy story.

Chapter 14

Was hard, but it's done. The longest chapter so far and yes, as with the others it will need revisions. Setting up the bomb was difficult and I know I want to rework a few parts of it, but I was able to get the main parts done and it makes sense. I am just glad to be done with it for now. I actually jumped right into Chapter 15 and I am already 10 pages in. I may be finished with it by the nights end. That would be great.

mOBSCENE

Having a bit of a hard time finishing this current chapter. It's by fat eh hardest part to write because of the content and the emotion involved. The following chapters will be just as hard so it's taking me some time to get my thoughts situated. Toward the end of the chapter, there is to be a huge scene with a lot of various characters involved and I am trying to direct the scene in my mind. Figuring out who speaks, who doesn't, who stands where, who talks to who, it's a hell of a task. Most of my scenes only involved between 2-4 people where as this one could involved upwards of 10 people, possibly even up to 30 or 40 people. It's like watching a personal movie in my mind and I am trying to organize it. I guess this is what will seperate me from the fakers.

I am also trying to keep the cussing in my book to a minimum but this scene is where a majority of it will come out and I am trying to find a middle ground here. You can only sub in so many words till eventually to express the true grittiness of the situation you gotta toss in a few four letter bombs to bring realism to the scene. I hope I can manage alright.

 

Escape the Flames

It seems you can never really get away from an ex of yours. Although I have never told her about my blog, she managed to find it and decided to leave me a little nastigram, still trying to hold me down and make me feel worthless. While both comforted by the fact that some things will never change, it's also nice because every time she does this it simply reinforces my decision to leave her. I guess she never figured that I'd be able to find out who she is, but as usual, she underestimates me.

 

BTW, here is her IP address. Have at it. 70.123.145.110

 

Chapter 13

I pushed the craziness to the next chapter, opting to build a little more suspense before the dropping of the proverbial bomb. Still, the chapter was quite good, allowing the characters to get even closer before things get all weird...n stuff. I am glad to get it done and now I think I am going to take a long nap...and I say long nap cause I know even if I fall asleep now at just before 8pm, I will wake up at 11pm like clockwork. I don't have class till noon tomorrow and it's a review day before our finals next week so should be nice and light. It took a total of 4 pills to get me to sleep last night and of course today I am feeling the after effects. Tired all day long, it was tough to write the programs I needed for my programming class, but I am still happy, getting to finish this chapter the way I wanted to without much difficulty. There was one part where I struggled a little, having never written anything quite like it, but I managed. I am sure I can rework it and see if I can make it better.

Chapter 12

Finished. Got my main idea across in it, plus I was able to develop another character that needed a little more background. This next chapter may be the big one. This is where the poop hits the fan...sub in another word if you like. This is where things start getting insane. Things got a little out there the last few chapters, but this is where the bomb gets dropped. This is where the WTF moment comes into play and it's kind of crazy. In other words if there is only one chapter that gets read from my book, it better be this chapter.

Hoshizora no Waltz

It's been difficult, but I am going to force myself to write Chapter 12. I have come this far and I shouldn't just cash in my chips just yet. My goal was to write a heartfelt and touching story about two people who find each other through the strangest of circumstances, regardless of how unlikely it may seem. I don't care if people read it and call it crap or find the story unbelievable. Fact is regardless of how crazy my story is, I know true life is indeed stranger than fiction so if they don't see the beauty in my story, I really don't care. Instead of just becoming a slave to my emotions, I am rededicating myself and not only writing the story for a certain some one else, but also for myself. It's going to happen and it's going to be completed one way or another. At times I am knocking out a chapter and a half a night so there is no lock of inspiration. It's simply trying to cope with all the emotions that come along with writing a story that comes straight from the heart. I don't care if Finals are around the corner, I am not letting up. I am not sure how I am going to distribute the work once it's finished, but I want as many people as possible to read it and again, if you think it's crap, so be it.

Chapter 11

Is down and so am I. This was much more emotionally draining that I thought it would be. Not sure how much longer I can live this double life. Regardless it's done and now we are going to jump into chapter 12 by jumping ahead about 4 weeks in time while one of my main characters is in Japan on a business trip.

Do you all ever look at the recommended tags as they generate on the fly? Just from the first paragraph I've written, already it has populated "Lesbian" and Don't Ask, Don't Tell" for me...wth? I didn't even get close to talking about that in the first paragraph. Sounds like their algorithm needs work. Uh oh, now "Player Piano" just popped up...this is weird stuff.

Precious Things

As writers, we are often told that we lead a second life and that as we write we deal with our emotions of our real lives along with those of our "writing life". I couldn't agree more on this as I am finding it more difficult to separate my "writing life" feelings from my real life feelings. Take this novel I am writing. The first few chapters were fine, I was able to handle all the emotion quite well. However these last couple of chapters are the real heart of the book and it's getting very difficult to handle all of what I am writing. It's 100% fiction mind you, but to express the feelings of my characters I find ti necessary to take on their emotional baggage. My writing turns our great, however when it's time to turn off the computer and get some sleep, I find myself tossing and turning with my emotions working overtime. I know i am making too close a connection between myself and my characters, but if I don't have that connection, my writing suffers.

If anyone knows any techniques on how to keep my writing edge, yet be able to separate myself from the baggage that comes with it, that would be quite helpful.

Chapter 10

Was hard to write. It is longer than any other chapter. I seem to be doing that more and more. Apparently I have a lot more to write about than I had originally thought. The characters explored a bit of turmoil not only between each other but with others as well. A secondary character has found her way back into the fold and is threatening to take on third main character status. She will not be in the story as much as the current mains, but she plays a big role, so I guess we could call her first supporting character. I was able to do a fairly decent job with multi-character dialog and I was quite happy with the exchanges. As with all writing, there will be polishing and this chapter should grow to even larger proportions when it comes time to edit. I may turn in early tonight, but if I wake up at like 1am, I am sure I will be tempted to start chapter 11...who knows.

Sweet Dreams

Apparently it's my turn to start dreaming of various different book and movie ideas. Tonights was a bit violent, the second one at least. The first was standard fair. And to better explain what I mean by "tonight" i was asleep by 6pm and got out of bed by 11pm, waking up several times throughout my "night".

The first was Olivia and I, but our topic of discussion was a little different. We sat there in a coffee shop and we were discussing her stress levels. I was offering her suggestions to help ease it so that her health wouldn't suffer. We sipped our drinks and looked outside, watching people walk by and go about their lives.

The second...was kind of insane. I assure you I am not some loony. This was just one of those weird dreams that's kind of unexplainable, yet interesting. I was with a group of time travelers and we would jump from different versions of out world, parallel dimensions. We were trying to find out way back to our world which mathematically speaking may be impossible since according to many scientists there could be an infinite number of parallel universes out there. The only way to force ourselves to move from time to time was to murder ourselves in our current time. Usually it was not difficult to find us, most of the time we found ourselves at home, school, work, etc. There were a total of five of us doing this. Myself, 3 women and another man. The man was about late 20s, one of the woman was a young girl, maybe about 15, then there was a somewhat younger woman about early 20s, then an older woman who was about 45. We had apparently been doing this for some time as we had become exceedingly good at quite literally killing ourselves. We usually hunted as a group to assure our success. We would hunt for myself and the other man...the other me and the other guy to be clear...so that we can move on to the usually easier female targets. As we hunted, we would surround the locations of our other selves and move in for the kill with precision. The other guy would usually break in and scare the other us, flushing them out of the house or into a place in their location where they would be trapped. Once cornered, we would without much talk execute the other us, then move on to our next target. We continued doing this for what felt like 50-60 times and of course we were never transported home after the final kill.

The logic told us that when we got home, we would not find our other selves and that we would simply know we got back because it would "feel" like home. Finally after another successful hunt, we failed to "jump" to a new dimension, thus ending our journey. Out of frustration and knowing we would never get home, we began killing each other. The other man killed the teenager and the woman in her 20 ran for her life. The older woman and the  other man hunted each other for what seemed like ages. Finally the man caught up to the older woman and shot her 4-5 times. While she was dying, he moved over top of her and began to chastise her, seemingly blaming her for our not getting home. While he was talking trash, she was able to lift up her shot gun and shoot him in the face, killing him instantly. I heard the shot and ran over to see what was happening. When i got close, the woman was still alive, but barely physically functional. I knelled down besides her and assured her I wasn't there to kill her. As I watched her die, i took her hand to offer her some comfort and told her that I didn't think it was her fault, that this was something bigger than ourselves. Sitting there I did not hear the woman in her 20s come back and put a gun to my head. I told her I was unarmed and had not shot the older woman or the dead man lying next to her. I told her that I had no intention of hunting her and that it was pointless for us to kill each other as it would never help us get home. Still cautious, the woman slowly backed out of the room and left again. I looked back down at the older woman to see that she had expired.

I walked out of a building covered in blood, almost in shock over the ordeal I had gone through. I fell to the ground and the woman in her 20 reappeared. She said she thinks she figured out how to get us home and it didn't involve murder. She sat next to me and held my hand as rain began to fall. The drops washed away the blood from the both of us and we fell to sleep. When we awoke we were home, sitting on a park bench surrounded by children and families having a good time there. We both knew we were home. We exchanged handshakes and vowed to never speak of the misadventure that we shared. We both turned away from each other and walked away.

Dream Camp

Ok, maybe the thought of finals coming up is getting to me, but my dreams have been weird lately. They were boring for a good portion of time, but last night and a couplf of night before...weird. Already wrote about the one a few nights ago, but last nights was...interesting.

Some how I am floating above a jeep while i control it with my mind...ya i know. Anyways, I am controlling this jeep, not very well i might add, and I am floating just above it. As i am driving it through town, I keep losing control of it and it goes crashing into other cars. I remember the feeling that I should just bolt, not wanting to take responsibility, but when it crashes I have this overwhelming feeling that I have to make sure everything is ok and that no one was hurt. Each time i go to look, thankfully no one is hurt and I offer help in case they need it from me. Each time the people i have crashed into are thankful to me for sticking around and taking responsibility. As soon as everyone is ok, I go off, controlling it again and a few moments later, another crash. This went on for a bit, till i woke myself up.

The second dream from last night was a little less exciting as Olivia was around again talking to me. We didn't say much this time around though as she seemed content with us just enjoying the night sky. We laid there on a blanket looking up, seeing an occasional cloud go by the moon.

Chapter 9

done. it was short...not as far as pages, but overall content. i designed it to be that way, a very fast read. still very happen to get them to their first real social gathering with others. this next chapter will be fun with lots of witty dialog. I am going to take a break though cause that last chapter, while fast to write, was just annoying at times. I had to, at times, purposely misspell and use shorthand which i don't really like. Still, another chapter said and done and now some fun stuff happens.

Chapter 8

Got through it. Was a little harder to do than I would have liked. took me several hours broken up over three days, but it's done. It's pretty decent, had some significant conflict in it along with a small hint of comedy. As was mentioned in a previous post, a dream I had helped me redirect some other ideas and helped this chapter along. Brought out some other characters that hadn't really been developed yet and got them some significant dialog. Also introduced to other characters that are in a similar situation to my main characters. They will play a role on what happens to the mains later on. The second lead character didn't appear much in this chapter after having dominated the last few. She is due back with a vengeance in this next chapter which will show a very different style that may actually get on my nerves to write. I like the idea of this style I am going to try, there is just a lot of editing and some limitations. Oh well, if I wish to grow as a writer, I know i have to eventually step out of my dialog filled comfort zone...actually this next chapter will be all dialog, just written in a weird style.

Total Eclipse

Well, looks like Olivia sent me a different message a couple of nights ago. I had been having the recurring dream where she would appear and we would just talk and hangout, no big deal. Well, it changed the other night. This time I was at a show, I am guessing at an Arena or a larger venue. I was wearing a backstage pass and Olivia was up on stage performing her usual stuff, all good. Then something odd happened. She ended up doing a cover of Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart. I know, it's an older song, but you gotta admit it's still very good all these years later. When she sang it, she sounded just like herself and not like Bonnie, as if she was staying true to the original arrangement, but was still able to place her personal stamp on it.

[caption id="attachment_161" align="aligncenter" width="231" caption="Olivia Lufkin"][/caption]

I woke up thinking of the song and decided to dig it out of my music collection and sure enough, it's still a great tune. It also woke something up in me.

While the story itself is still going in the same direction, I was hit with another dose of inspiration. I was able to think about it awhile and I came up with a ton of dialog and actions for one of the coming chapters. I am very glad too, cause the current chapter I am working on, while good, isn't all I had hoped it would be. It was mostly a lot of filler which needed to be done, but I managed to get through it and it's almost done; maybe 2-5 more pages. The chapter that I was inspired to write from this dream is going to be very explosive and may end up being the heart of the book. I am so thrilled that I managed to get more ideas simply from dreaming. Who knows, maybe in another week or so I will write a different ending to the book cause as of right now, while I have the concept down, I am torn between which three directions the ending can go.

Enjoy the 80s revival with this video.

Chapter 7

Very done and as is becoming the norm for me, in one night. Chapter 8 will see a blessed event for both characters. The reader may think how can they possibly bond more...well, they will in the upcoming week. Things get better and better for them...but sadly there is the eventual fall to come...and this fall is something so outrageous that the protagonist is left beside himself. I keep thinking to myself can some one do something to some one that is so undermining and deceitful, so insanely out there...can that character ever find redemption? I'm honestly not sure, but my character is going to try. even if it kills them, they are going to try and find redemption.

Crash Into Me

There is no feeling quite like the one you get when you just realize you've written something so profound that you almost lose it. Chapter 6 may be one of the best things I've ever written in my life, not so much from an artistic standpoint, but more from a heartfelt perspective. The character development was beyond what I had hoped for and now I really feel my heart getting beat on a bit by the process. It's not unusual for me to become emotionally invested in my work, but this last chapter, along with chapter 5, has really been a game changer.

 

Chapter 6

This section is turning out to be more than I thought it could with the characters doing some real bonding, building their friendship like I never thought I could. Needless to say I am very happy with how it is turning out and the great feeling is I am far from done. I think this is going to be one of the longer chapters in the book simply because the characters are developing so much here. As with a couple of previous chapters, this one is chock full of tasty dialog and vivid detail. When i go back to rework this chapter even more it should grow to remarkable proportions. I am quite happy with how the actions in this chapter are setting up things to come in future chapters. The puzzle is being setup here and will be answered when things get insane with these two people.

One thing I noticed was that a lot of the action and dialog is just like a real conversation happening on the fly. Most of the time its to the point and easily read, while other times it's a bit more vague, but incredibly sweet. Later in the book conversations will get more dramatic and confrontational as the characters find out things about each other that they didn't know. I am so happy with this work that I think I may finish this much faster that I had first anticipated.

 

Trinka Trinka

Took a short break from writing while the holiday unfolded. Now that the bird is eaten and the pie availability is dwindling, it's time to get back to work. Need to get back into writing mode and knock out chapter 6. Admittedly, I am having a hard time figuring out what to do with them at the moment. Right now I am working them to a park for a more dialog heavy chapter. The following chapter, which is already planned and outlined, should be a bit more fun for me as there will be another writing style change along with more dialog. Have you noticed I like writing conversations? It's a bit of an odd feeling writing them as I am essentially talking to myself the entire time. I guess being a former nut helps in that regard.

Chapter 7 will be fun and the end of it will see them to a Halloween party which should be fun to write. The costumes to be used are still being worked out as far as the detail I want to give them, but the overall storyline will continue. After that, the story skips a bit while one character leaves town for awhile so I will be back to a lot of filler at that point. Not that it's bad to have filler as I plan to develop some secondary characters while one of the mains is off on business. I have created 2 additional couples that will be introduced here in the next chapter and they will get some development in the following chapters. We will get a visit from another character that had a bit impact on an earlier chapter and she will end up dropping the biggest bomb in the book. In other words, she will deliver a massive game changer to the two main characters. Ah, sometimes it's nice to just talk about the book as it makes me want to get back to working on it.

 

More Human Than Human Pt. 2 (Human and Machines)

Strangely enough the likeness between machines and humans isn't viewed by people as a partnership, but more of ownership. Example: I own my car, therefore I tell it what to do like drive me to the grocery store. Fair enough. As with most machines, if you ask it to do a certain task, it should comply without much argument...or does it. The greatest comparisons today between humans and machines can be seen in computers. By looking at the brain as an advanced microprocessor, one can clearly see why some people often compare the two. Both operate with small amounts of electrical energy and they have the ability to process millions of calculations per second. Many will argue that the brain is better, however logically speaking that may in fact be false. The reason? While the brain has such a massive amount of processing power, some estimate at somewhere around the equivalent of having a a 16.8trhz processor (16.8 trhz = 16800ghz) the mind is indeed flawed and can, at times make incredibly mistakes as far as mathematical computation and logic operation.

The flaw can be seen as the single greatest human trait: Emotion. We would all like to think that because we can feel and display emotion that it somehow makes us superior when in fact is both a blessing and a curse. Other reasons can be given such as memory constraints and soft tissue vulnerability, however emotion is what seemingly leads many people to make what other may see as stupid mistakes.

A prime example is gambling. When a person is gambling and winning, they often times feel an emotional rush, a high generated by the success of their play. With this high, people can often times feel cocky and overconfident, giving them the impression that they are on a lucky streak, therefore they may risk more based on the same mathematical problem. If a man is playing blackjack and has won 5 hands in a row, he may begin to wager more and split hands simply out of emotion, neglecting the logical option of staying with his proven method. A computer on the other hand will always play with the odds in their favor if possible. A computer will stay within a certain set of rules to the given situation. If a computer is playing a game of chess, they will always think many moves ahead while a person may go against the odds based on emotion or the hopes that their opponent makes a mistake. The computer will never assume a mistake will be made, therefore the move the machine makes will always follow logic. In other words, it will never "take a chance."

Because of emotion, a man is flawed when it comes to logical reasoning in many cases.

The computer however by the same token is flawed in our eyes as well based on the same argument properties. Setting the scene, I will place a computer inside that of a human skull and call it a robot or cyborg, whichever is more comfortable for your imagination in this example. The machine will still follow the same rules of logic as before, weighing percentages and outcomes. The scenario is a burning building where a person is trapped inside and cannot escape without assistance. Assuming all available information is available to the robot, it in fact chose not to rescue the trap individual based purely on mathematical chance. If the fire is fairly simple in nature and threat level, the machine will weight it's chances of success against the chance of failure and act accordingly. If the chance of success is 50.1% or higher (based on the rules set forth in its programming), the cyborg will attempt a rescue and try to save the person. Take the same situation and make the fire a blazing inferno. The chances of success are now less than 10%. Based on the logic present within the cyborgs programming, it will choose not to attempt a rescue. The same cannot be said for a human.

A human, as we all know, may be steered by emotion. They will see the blazing inferno and know that the chance of success is very low, however they may still attempt to enter the fire and rescue the person. All logical reasoning in this case is out the door as that person runs in to save the life of another. They know that they may die in the process and based on the numbers that may prove to be true. Should that person save the other and live to tell the tale, people will view him in many different ways. A small number may see him as a sick man for doing something "insane" or "suicidal" while others will look upon him as a hero. Lets us now place the cyborg back in the scenario have him go against logic. The cyborg runs in and rescues the person. When the situation is examined later on, the cyborg may also be viewed as sick (IE computer virus) or a hero. The human hero will be revered while his machine counterpart will be taken apart and inspected for abnormalities as most humans do not associate heroism with a machine, thinking there is no way that a computer can understand emotion or even value human life. The big question here is can a machine "learn" emotion?

By all accounts, it seems very possible. Think of emotion as simply another process that the brain calculates. Technically speaking if you are missing the part of the brain that processes emotions or it is damaged in some way, in all likelihood that person will not display or be swayed by emotional situations. A computer can be seen the same way; write a program to display emotion and the computer will display it...if it had a face of course. Think of why we show emotion. If a person we know dies, then we will be upset, perhaps cry over this loss. The level to which we mourn is based on the connection we feel toward that person and how much value we place on life. If a person you do not know dies, you may say to yourself "What a shame", but never cry or mourn that loss because you do not feel a connection to them. A Computer can be programmed the same way. It can be programmed to develop a connection to an individual which can grow exponentially over time. The time of exposure can be changed by the individual programmer. Some, by reading this so far can argue that we are no one to "program" emotion into anything. Many of these opponents may not realize that the are and have been programmed since their birth.

Example. A person is born and spends the first 15 years of their life with a parent. Through those years, they grow closer to the parent and feel love for them. Based on their experiences with that adult, they can feel any number of emotions. Love or hate, spending time with that person will eventually develop into an emotion, a "program" telling you that since this person has been there for and cared for you, you in turn love them. You have at this point been programmed to love, a directive in your brain tells you that you love them. Same can go with hate. If a child is abused by a parent, they will be hateful toward that adult, therefore once again they are programmed to hate. This can happen so quickly and seamlessly in humans that no one seems to realize it happens. Why does a child sometimes prefer one parent to another? Parents will say "Well, he is just close to his daughter" or something similar. The father feels that connection, therefore he spends more time with his daughter. The daughter unconsciously knows this so in turn she develops love for him as well.

Technically speaking, the brain is a learning computer that is changing every day and in more way that we can even fathom. If we were able to create programs that simulate human emotion and plug them into a computer, it could learn to feel emotion. To simplify this idea, think of a common document application like Microsoft Word. As you use the program, you can "teach" is to do certain things or correct it's behavior so that it is pleasing to you...which is very similar to that of a developing child. When you first have this child, it is just a small, seemingly help life form that needs love and attention so that it can eventually turn into a well balanced adult. The same can be done with a program. Again, referring to Word, as you use it and teach it, it learns more about you and the world. You can teach it new words, new scenarios, news ways of writing. It grows with you. While Word may not be the best example, it does display the basics of what a program can learn.

Being self aware is also another argument against machines and emotion. The computer only knows what we want it to know in mostly all cases around the world. We only allow the computer access to certain files, programs, hardware, etc. With the gaining of knowledge, the birth of consciousness up to this point in time has not been established. While the idea of creating a self aware machine that understands what it is and knows what it can do is still some ways off into the future, that future is getting closer by the day. We simply need to find a way to not only mimic our emotions, but also allow the computer to have free will, the ability to make decisions not only based on mathematical chance, but also while weighing those emotions as well...just like we humans do.

Works Cited

http://library.thinkquest.org/C001501/the_saga/compare.htm

More Human Than Human Pt. 1 (Humans and Animals)

What is it that makes people "human"?

When asked, sadly, many humans are hard pressed to give a definitive answer. To answer that question would also be to ask the following questions. What makes an animal an animal...and what makes a machine a machine.

Many people have cited religious quests or have reached emotional conclusion when, from the looks of things, cannot be used to truly tell what is and what is not human.Religion for example. Some believe religion is some sort of mass hysteria, a mental illness of sorts which we, as humans, have cooked up to make us feel better or to provide moral boundaries for us to live by. Arguably, a large majority of the world does believe in religion in one incantation or another whether it be Christianity, Muslim, Hindu or whichever other religion you can think of. Is it possible that that many people have voluntarily opened themselves up to mental illness? Many religious leaders and believers would take my words as a slight towards organized religion, however I think they, even with all their followers and beliefs must agree that even the mentally ill have shown signs of delusion when it come to insanity. Visions of Jesus Christ and even people who believe they have spoken to God directly all litter the landscape of the world. The thought that one all mighty entity rules over the entire universe and for some reason of all the trillions of possible planets out there chose Earth as his religious sanctuary seems incredibly far fetched. To this day, no one has been able to offer a viable scientific explanation to that question. If there is a human element to this point of view, it is that we are all flawed and can and will become ill either physically, mentally, or both.

The human emotional experience has been defined, by some, as the ability to attach an emotional response to a given action. For example, a person dies therefore you may cry or in some severe cases, feel physical pain. Perhaps a certain event that has been looked forward to arrives, therefore eliciting a joyful response or a sense of excitement. Both are considered to be a human response. However, it is not unheard of to see this emotion from an animal. Example, a dog owner returns home from work, the dog in turn becomes excited since his master has returned to him. Although some define that as a human emotional response, the dog clearly shares excitement with his human counterpart. Does this example make us less human or more animal? Does it make the dog less animal and more human? Comparatively, humans have in many cases exhibited many physical and emotional reponses that can be seen as animal. Would a man living in the forest be called an animal for killing a deer and eating it to survive? In most cases no because he would in all likelihood be doing it only out of necessity. The same can be said of a coyote or wild dog or any other predatory animal.

The only reason they kill, in most cases, is to survive. Some may argue that there have in fact been times where a human was killed by a wild animal for means other than that noted for a human killing an animal. Based on scientific studies of animal and human behavior, it is not too far fetched to believe that a human wandering into the territory of a pack of wolves may be targeted and killed. This example can be be compared to that of a wild animal, for example a bobcat, getting into a house with people in it and the homeowner shooting and killing the animal. Why, in both cases, did something or someone die? Territory. The bobcat was seen as a threat although it may have had no intention of attacking a human, but since the cat was unexpectedly present, the human shot and killed it. Same can be said of the wolves attacking and killing a human walking through their territory. The human, by their judgment, had no right to be there and was viewed as a threat, even though the human most likely was simply passing through. Based on these arguments, the line between humans and animals begins to fade as their behavior seems very similar to that of a human.

The supposed lack of human emotion as it pertains to the murder of another human being is, by some, viewed as animalistic. The likeness, however convenient, seems terribly misused as human behavior cannot always be seen as righteous. The killing of another for materialistic things such as money and possessions is all too human. A terrific example may be seen as war between countries and groups of people. War, by all accounts, generally begins when one group of people, for some reason decide to either cause harm to another group or take what that group feels is rightfully theirs. The disagreement escalates and a conflict is born as the two factions fight for what they feel is right. The same can be said of animals, albeit on a smaller scale. One pack of wolves may try to expand their territory into that of another packs. Fighting begins and lives are lost as the two groups of animals compete for dominance of the land. Again, another issue which is referred to as animal can now be seen as more human than anything else. One fact that offers circumstance is the reason behind the war. Wolves, by all accounts, will only do such things as a means to survive. The food in a certain location becomes scarce, therefore the pack moves to where the food is and in some cases this new location overruns that of an already existing pack. Given the territoriality of both packs, war may be inevitable.

It can be argued that humans do the same thing; taking over a certain area of land or resource as a means of survival. While that argument may sometimes hold water, in the last 200 years there are several examples of people not taking over or attacking other countries out of necessity, but simply because they choose to. Take Nazi Germany for example. History has shown that Germany did not have to oppress the Jewish community, yet they killed millions of them; not to take over a country or a resource, but simply because they chose to. Nazi sympathizers say that the Jews were the reason for Germany's defeat in World War I. Others say that religion came into play and the largely Christian country did not wish to have Jews rule their land and economy. Nowhere in history can the same be said for animals. Killing simply to kill rarely, if ever, happens in nature. Neither does killing over a religious belief.

(TBC)

The Terminator

Not exactly stuck, but trying to figure which direction to take the story. I wanted the characters to explore and build their friendship more, however there are a few different directions I have built into chapter five. It's so weird for me to be in such a position. You hear about writers getting a block, but it seems like I have too many options. I wanted to eventually touch on each one, but I have to make a choice of whether to jump right into dramatics or develop my 2nd main character more. Guess I will figure it out soon enough.

 

Chapter 5

In a marathon night, I completed the very difficult chapter 5. The only bad thing about it is that I know I will have to revisit it. It's pretty dark and thick as I mentioned before. It's still rough, but very solid and fills in a lot of holes that had come up in the story concerning the protagonists past. Now that that is finally over, I can sleep...and start tomorrow on chapter 6 which should be fun. Not sure where I am going to take the characters, but thats the fun of writing sometimes...just going with where your mind takes you while writing on the fly. With the time I am making on these chapters, I may be done with this thing before Christmas! Maybe I should make it available on the Kindle. That'd be funny.

Chapter 4

Done. I think I did this one in record time. The sheer amount of dialog i used in this chapter is amazing even to me. The next few chapters should be very similar...with the aexception of Chapter 5. Five will show a very different writing style. To be honest, I was not looking forward to writing this chapter because of the dark content involved, but it's very important for the development of the story.

When I write, I tend to get emotionally invested and the thought of exploring such a dark topic makes me uneasy. I can't really say what makes it so dark, but I will offer this. The character's past isn't easy to swallow and some people may even find it a bit unbelievable, but I assure you it can and has happened. Let me say once again that this is indeed a work of fiction, however the elements are for the most part real.

Sleep

Think I am getting over this illness. Temp is back to 97.6 (Which is normal for me so don't say 'Ha! that's not normal!') I just feel exhausted now. I must have woken up like 20 times last night. That's the major problem with having a damn cold. Can never get breathing under control long enough to stay asleep for a decent period of time. The nieces are here today so i doubt I will get any rest. All I can do is take it easy and hope the fever doesn't come back.

 

Chapter 3

Is in the books!...or book I should say. Successfully introduced the 2nd main character and once I was able to get them both conversing, the words seemed to just flow out. This chapter was pretty joyfully to write as I was able to finally get to the meat of the story. now I just need some one from the UK to tell me "bollocks" means...and I am sure I spelled that wrong. Any UK person who can tell me what that means will have my gratitude and if they like, I can in turn tell them what "fo shizzle my nizzle on the rizzle skizzle" means.

Thirsty

I've caught something and its setting in as I type. I felt a little odd last night, but today just in the last few hours its really hitting me. Hoping it's just a cold, but I am starting to get body aches so it may be the flu. I am a bit worried. It's very rare that I get the flu or colds. I've gotten the flu maybe twice in my life and had maybe 4 colds. However, when I do get sick, it's usually pretty severe. In most cases I end up bed-ridden for several days. I don't feel thirsty in the slightest yet, I can feel myself getting dehydrated so I am forcing down liquids. My face is beginning to burn and the fever keeps coming and going. Definitely a virus as I haven't really spiked a fever...more like it just swings in and out. Bacterial, I'd be at like 103-104 which sadly I have experienced and thats not fun either.

 

I just wish my nose would stop running. I cannot stop sneezing. Damn, this really sucks! I want to eat, but have no appetite. Looks like I am gonna lose 10lbs over the weekend.

 

SpidERƧpins

I am seriously not liking this paper. I have absolutely no drive to write it anymore. As previously stated in another post, I have found that part of writing that I really dislike. I am gonna keep working on it cause its a grade, but I am definitely not happy about it. I am sure I will make everyone else in the class pissed at me cause I am so much better than they are at this. Look at me, I am such a pompous ass today. I usually never speak so highly of myself, but forgive me for trying to psyche myself up for this. I am know I am the best writer in the class, perhaps even the best writer of anyone taking 1301. I am sure I can write circles around some of the people who think they are good.

Ok, ok. Enough of me being self centered. I need to focus. This paper has changed course and now I have to figure out how to steer it. I know where I want to go, but covering all the different angles could turn my max 6 page paper into 10 and I really don't want to make it that big as I am sure my English teacher will hate me for that. We have until after Thanksgiving to complete it, but I want this done already. I have to turn in a 2nd draft tomorrow and I don't want to hand over a piece of crap and yes, right now it's garbage. I almost want to just scrap the whole thing and start over, but it does have a few nuggets of good ministerial. Time for me to work a little magic and turn a paper a 5th grader would be proud of into a college level assignment.

 

Amphibian

This may be nothing at all...but for some odd reason I had a hard time understanding English today. Being that it's my primary language, this has worried me a bit. It was the oddest feeling, expecting to simply understand without any real effort and then actually having to take a moment to think about what was said is so alien to me. I had that same feeling you get when you are trying to speak to someone who is speaking to you in a language you have probably heard of, but cannot really understand most things. I wonder if this has anything to do with my exposure to other cultures lately. I have surrounded myself with both Korean and Japanese languages via various shows and celebrities. I wonder if this is my mind getting used to those languages and now it for some reason isn't seeing English as its only means of audible interpretation. I have been around Spanish a lot of my life, but have never experienced such a sensation before.

I am guessing this feels different because I am not only exposing myself to those other languages, but I am also making a conscious effort to gain a better understanding of them. Sadly with Spanish, I have never had that drive.

Again, I am sure it's nothing, but it was just the strangest feeling.

 

Book Banning

Although I should be jazzed about this assignment, I am not. We were able to select a subject for an augmentative paper, 4-6 pages in length, complete with a works sited page. Although I do enjoy writing, I always feel that i am bastardizing my subjects after a write about them. The last paper I did was an analytical paper where we, again, got to choose our own subject within the bound of it being something that could be thoroughly analyzed. Some people chose a news article, a story from a paper, a poem, etc. I chose a song. i chose it specifically because it was from a song writer who, in his day, was looked at as a John Lennon for Generation X. I did what was required from the assignment, however I don't feel I did it any justice.

I am feeling the same about this paper and all I have done so far is free write and do my works sited page.

I have found that although I enjoying writing, i definitely prefer personal narratives and story telling. I know I can make myself look at this topic as telling a story, just taking the angle of arguing with some one over it. Still, I feel like I am not going to do well on this paper, and it's making me second guess my ability to write cohesively and it's making me think I might be mistaken in my ability. I told my English teach straight out, "I think I am good, but not great" and I get the feeling I am finding a definite weak spot in my talent.

 

Olivia

I am dreaming of this woman and it's driving me insane. Ok, maybe not, but it's peaking my curiosity. I am seeing her almost nightly now in my mind and while I do find her very appealing, I am still wondering why she is there so often. I am more than sure it's because I am listening to her music so often, daily in fact...but that still doesn't fully explain things. The dreams are sometimes different , but the theme remains the same. For the most part, we just talk. We can be walking or sitting on the floor, but we are always smiling and talking. She is a very sweet and pleasant person and I feel the need sometimes to just smile uncontrollably. We talk about random topics. Sometimes music or our lives, although I did most of the talking in that version of this recurring dream.

One very noticeable recurring theme is that I remember her voice. Her voice to me seems so distinctive. She seems to be speaking English and another language at times which answers a question i posed to myself. It's one thing to envision a person in your dream, but it's somewhat unusual for me to not only dream of an image, but also to "feel" their voice, allowing it to leave an imprint. Given that I know who this person is leads me to believe that in my dream the other language she is speaking is Japanese. I do not know very much Japanese so I am thinking either my mind is making it up as it goes along which is why I understand her or the fact that she switches between English and Japanese often enough for me to understand what she is saying.

All I know is that as I write now, namely chapters of my book, I am seeing her constantly and I have stamped her image on the character I have affectionately named "Anna" so that could be another reason. I figure this is actually a good thing as it's keeping my mind on my work and seeing her most nights makes me want to write the story faster.

It's a good thing. I am quite happy with what some people may see as a boring recurring dream where all I do is talk to this woman for what feels like hours. I am beyond content with that though, allowing the comfort of her presence to ease my mind. I have dreamed about her so much, I feel as if her smile will be emblazoned on my heart and mind for a very long time. Given my current confidence level despite my severe lack of friends, her presence is apparently serving as my muse.

Keep me writing, Olivia.

 

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="287" caption="Olivia Lufkin"][/caption]

 

Chapter 2

Is finished. I am pretty happy with the amount of detail i was able to put in it given its my first draft. I am sure I will be able to add more color when i go back and revise. Most importantly I want to get the story out and keep it fresh in my mind. School has been calling more and more so I cannot make it my top priority. exam 3 then finals shortly after are my primary objectives. Chapter 3...i am not sure if I should introduce the 2nd main character or provide my protagonists back story. I have touched on it in chapters 1 and 2, but I think now may be the time to write  it so that I can avoid having to constantly reference it and fill in the blanks as I go. Best to just let the audience know what happened to him and how he got to where is is now. I will allow me to concentrate on the 2nd character more fully and allow the story to flow uninterrupted.

 

At Rest

I was doing some file recovery from really old floppy disc and came across a folder of various writings I did many years ago. Here is a poem that even today I am proud of. It's a bit spooky too. Notice the date... God, I am old. If i remember correctly, this is another writing I did concerning a dream I had. I tend to do that a lot. In fact, I may just post a few more dreams that I have saved on here for people to look over and see just how odd they are. The practice of writing down my dreams is something I have done off and on since I was a teenager. I was so happy to have found some of my older ones so that I may share them all these years later.

 

"Wake Up My Darling"

 

my foggy, shadowed windows

on a frozen winter night

I peel back the layers of darkness

to view my beloved lady

 

cause of much disbelief

red is everywhere

a fertile life flows out

beautiful eyes forever close

 

the cold street beneath my knees

her face is framed

her head I cradle

my body rain pours

 

like speaking to a stone wall

wake up my darling, wake up

our audience stares

stone faces

 

sirens blare to no avail

not a voice is heard

silence

wake up my darling, wake up

 

3/10/97

 

Paperback Writer

SO when i enrolled in school and declared a major i went with (takes a deep breath) "Computer Information Systems - Networking Maintenance, Construction, and Administration". Ya, thats a mouthful.

Well, after my first semester, I am indeed enjoying my computer courses and having minimal problems in them. Aside from one bad day, I am excelling at both of them at the moment. I have a very solid A in both classes, one of them Intro to Computers and the other Computer Programming (C++). However, I am getting a bit worried. I knew there would me some math involved in writing programs which at first was fine with me. I figured I could take some brush up courses and then be able to take the one math class I needed which was College Algebra. Surprisingly that's it, no other math class is needed in my degree plan. I am having major issues in my intro to Algebra class and its quite bothersome. I don't know if it's me or the instructor, but none of it is sinking in. I will take at least partial blame as obviously I can't just pawn off responsibility out of convenience. I do admit though that this teach is just bad. He is always late and I am not talking every now and then. I mean every single week, he is minimum 15 minutes late. This past Saturday he was 45 minutes late. All this and he has the nerve to constantly rush us cause he says he "Doesn't have time" to really explain how things work.

I am a firm believer in it's one thing to know how something works, but it's an entirely different story to know why it works that way. He never takes the time to show us why certain formulas work, he just tells us to read the book if we want further explanation. Sadly, as is the case with several other classmates, reading the book is like trying to read a foreign language. Either that or trying to take a Babelfish translation and make complete sense out of it. Yes, sometimes things will click, but often times something is lost in translation. Given these obstacles, our class which started with 28 people has dwindled down to just 7 of us. That's right, there are all of 7 people left in the class so 75% of the class either dropped, withdrew, or swapped to another professor. (Hey look!, i did math!)

After taking both our first and second exam, I know for a fact I am not going to pass the class, not by a long shot. My grade on exam 1 was a 24 and on exam 2 a 17...those aren't typos.

It's been a number of years since I have even done algebra in high school, let alone the real world. Although my past jobs have included what some would consider to be algebra, again, I do not understand why a formula works a certain way because he refuses to teach us the method to the madness. Even with our Math Tutors on campus, it's virtually the same thing. They tend to make people feel stupid which leads most of us to just pack up and leave and hope we will eventually get it. I've been in the math lab and seen a tutor laugh in someone's face because they didn't understand how a math problem was solved. I felt so bad for that poor woman as she was a bit older, late 40s perhaps. I watched as she packed up her belongings and left with tears in her eyes. It is remarkably sad that the school pushes math so much (there are signs all over campus stating "Math is Fun!") yet their staff seems to be speaking another language and not realizing just how much of a negative impact this is having toward the student body.

I honestly believe I am smarter than most people, my 130 IQ proving that my level of understanding "should" be better than most. However, I believe my strength lies in words and not numbers. I have swallowed my pride and asked for help from others, but unfortunately I seem to be hitting that same brick wall each time. If we ask a question to what they believe should be common knowledge, we get looked upon as morons who have no place in college. I do find it funny though that I can write a 6 page paper in less than an hour and still make an A on it while that same person who thinks I am a moron at math can barely squeeze out 3 pages and get a D. I have never found that difficult to believe as obviously each of us are gifted in different areas. I can write vividly crafted and intriguing stories, and communicate effectively in front of large groups of people, but since I can figure out algebra in 2 seconds, I guess I am a moron.

That being said, I am seriously considering changing my major from Computers to English. I have seriously been thinking about it for just under a month now. I plan on trying to get some one on one time with my English 1301 professor to get her feelings on the subject and the major. I have looked into the jobs available for people graduating with English degrees and they aren't half bad. The first one was as a teacher. While I am not exactly jazzed at the thought of teaching children, I do look upon my English professor and feel a slight sense of jealousy. She is incredibly well spoken, and the class seems to really respect her. She is kind and never makes anyone feel like they are idiots. On top of all that, she teaches effectively and always loves to read out papers. She is a self professed "writing nerd", admitting to feeling overjoyed when she reads a terrific paper. Even those that aren't so great she still takes seriously and offers proper feedback. I have heard that some community colleges will take an English Major and allow them to teach which is appealing to me, although I am sure I would be making significantly less than I would if I continued with computers.

Other jobs listed were reporters for local and national level newspapers, working for publishing companies, and even solo writing which is indeed where I would like to go. I love the idea of being able to do what I already do in my spare time as a professional. However I doubt I would be satisfied with minimal notoriety. If I decide to go into that field, I want to go all the way. I truly feel that I have the talent to write something so beautiful that it will move people to tears or rapture. I will admit I don't really try too hard when I blog, usually just writing what I think mostly on a whim and not really giving much thought to things like sentence completion, correct spelling or in some cases making any kind of real sense.

Writing my "Anna dream" into a book has rekindled the fire I had just 5 years ago as I wrote my first serious story, complete with character development and details that painted a picture like a piece of art hanging in a gallery. I sincerely hope I can figure this out by the time spring registration starts as I plan on taking the new courses right away, not wanting to waste another moment.

 

Venus as a Boy

Chapter two looks like it is going to be much longer than chapter 1...at least at the moment. I know there are a lot more details I can add to chapter one, but I wanted to get the general idea down first before it slipped my mind. Since I am kinda playing chapter 2 by ear, I am throwing in a lot more detail, lots of descriptive text. If school has helped me with anything up to this point, its that while my previous writing is good, I can be a ton better. Getting the story out was never the issue, but apparently I thought too much like a man at time. As Dave Chappelle once said "A man cares about 5 things...who, what, when, where, why! " In other words, we are known for normally skipping the vivid details and emotion involved. Well, I have no intention of doing that here. If i do see myself zooming through a chapter, I will be certain to go back and paint a much better picture.

I am just happy that I am not running low on enthusiasm for this project. I think it's cause i am constantly listening to music as I write it...in case you all haven't noticed my affinity for it. I doubt a day has gone by in the past few years where I wasn't at one time or another listening to music...and I am not talking about when we all get in the car and have the radio on. I come home, and as soon as I am in the door, I am listening to various tracks from my pretty extensive collection. This past year I haven't been able to really add much to it cause all the money I have is my grant money, and I wanna make sure it get as much out of it as i can.

Anyways, off to continue hacking away at my keyboard...but wait a sec...wasn't I just doing that? hmm...

Let Me Be Myself

Who am i and what am I doing here? I'm not completely sure most of the time if what I am doing is right. I am just so tired of waiting for something to happen. I know, things will not just happen, I have to make them. Well, I am hardly sitting around on my ass letting the world pass me by anymore. I am being more social that I have been in years. I am bettering myself with college and getting alone swimmingly with my classmates who for some reason hold me in the highest regard as far as intelligence. I feel like I was lost for several years and I am finally making my way back to life. I guess this is what those soap opera coma patients feel like after waking from an almost 10 year vegetative state.

I am finding it incredibly odd that even with the ex long gone, there is never a shortage of people who only want you to feel as terrible as they do. I have heard the saying "Misery loves company", but I have never pushed my negativity on anyone else. I guess my introvertive nature has kept that at bay. Even as i put myself first most of the time now, I find myself incredibly lonely a lot of the time. Even as I have ventured back out into the world, I have no real friends to speak of. I was doing the facebook thing till I got sick of the BS that comes with it. Once close females friends are prevented from speaking to me by their husbands because they feel I am some sort of threat to them and my male friends are too busy playing with their new buddies. I guess my absence from the real world really threw me for a loop. Again, that coma patient syndrome coming into play as the world moved forward without me. I can't say that I really blame anyone, but I always thought to myself if one of my friends were in a similar situation, I would welcome them back with open arms...and I did. People i had not spoken to in over 10 years found me via facebook and I was very happy to hear from them.

I was so excited that I wanted to meet up with them and have a good long chat over coffee like the old days, but for various reasons (and excuses) nothing ever came of it. Even a friend I had who now lives in a different city not too far from me tells me that she comes to see her parents all the time. I have been back home for just under a year now and as many times as I know she has been in town, she has always made some sort of excuse for us not to meet. Needless to say after about the 8th time of her feeding me a line, I blew her off completely and discarded the friendship as lost. She never really had any intention of ever seeing me again. Maybe she just wanted some one to be happy to hear from her in her screwy life.

Other people have just flat out attacked me for no reason, even going as far as attacking me for reading books. I'll say that again. I was insulted cause I mentioned on Facebook that I was reading a book. The audacity of some people, the distance they will go to just simply hate others is dumbfounding. That same person even attacked me for going to college. Again, I discarded the friendship, taking her viciousness as her way of lashing out at people who will soon have a much better life than her. I think what pissed her off the most was that I am going to college for free.

Regardless, that is why 2 years from now I will have a decent degree and she will still be stuck in the ghetto feeding her 5 kids with food stamps while I am moving up in the world and making a decent salary.

It's been a constant struggle in my life, people always wanting me to be what they wanted me to be. My old high school teachers, parents, ex, and now even my old friends, some of them I've know for over 25 years, telling me I am an idiot for starting over and wanting to make something of myself. Well, as the song says...