Chapter two looks like it is going to be much longer than chapter 1...at least at the moment. I know there are a lot more details I can add to chapter one, but I wanted to get the general idea down first before it slipped my mind. Since I am kinda playing chapter 2 by ear, I am throwing in a lot more detail, lots of descriptive text. If school has helped me with anything up to this point, its that while my previous writing is good, I can be a ton better. Getting the story out was never the issue, but apparently I thought too much like a man at time. As Dave Chappelle once said "A man cares about 5 things...who, what, when, where, why! " In other words, we are known for normally skipping the vivid details and emotion involved. Well, I have no intention of doing that here. If i do see myself zooming through a chapter, I will be certain to go back and paint a much better picture.
I am just happy that I am not running low on enthusiasm for this project. I think it's cause i am constantly listening to music as I write it...in case you all haven't noticed my affinity for it. I doubt a day has gone by in the past few years where I wasn't at one time or another listening to music...and I am not talking about when we all get in the car and have the radio on. I come home, and as soon as I am in the door, I am listening to various tracks from my pretty extensive collection. This past year I haven't been able to really add much to it cause all the money I have is my grant money, and I wanna make sure it get as much out of it as i can.
Anyways, off to continue hacking away at my keyboard...but wait a sec...wasn't I just doing that? hmm...
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Let Me Be Myself
Who am i and what am I doing here? I'm not completely sure most of the time if what I am doing is right. I am just so tired of waiting for something to happen. I know, things will not just happen, I have to make them. Well, I am hardly sitting around on my ass letting the world pass me by anymore. I am being more social that I have been in years. I am bettering myself with college and getting alone swimmingly with my classmates who for some reason hold me in the highest regard as far as intelligence. I feel like I was lost for several years and I am finally making my way back to life. I guess this is what those soap opera coma patients feel like after waking from an almost 10 year vegetative state.
I am finding it incredibly odd that even with the ex long gone, there is never a shortage of people who only want you to feel as terrible as they do. I have heard the saying "Misery loves company", but I have never pushed my negativity on anyone else. I guess my introvertive nature has kept that at bay. Even as i put myself first most of the time now, I find myself incredibly lonely a lot of the time. Even as I have ventured back out into the world, I have no real friends to speak of. I was doing the facebook thing till I got sick of the BS that comes with it. Once close females friends are prevented from speaking to me by their husbands because they feel I am some sort of threat to them and my male friends are too busy playing with their new buddies. I guess my absence from the real world really threw me for a loop. Again, that coma patient syndrome coming into play as the world moved forward without me. I can't say that I really blame anyone, but I always thought to myself if one of my friends were in a similar situation, I would welcome them back with open arms...and I did. People i had not spoken to in over 10 years found me via facebook and I was very happy to hear from them.
I was so excited that I wanted to meet up with them and have a good long chat over coffee like the old days, but for various reasons (and excuses) nothing ever came of it. Even a friend I had who now lives in a different city not too far from me tells me that she comes to see her parents all the time. I have been back home for just under a year now and as many times as I know she has been in town, she has always made some sort of excuse for us not to meet. Needless to say after about the 8th time of her feeding me a line, I blew her off completely and discarded the friendship as lost. She never really had any intention of ever seeing me again. Maybe she just wanted some one to be happy to hear from her in her screwy life.
Other people have just flat out attacked me for no reason, even going as far as attacking me for reading books. I'll say that again. I was insulted cause I mentioned on Facebook that I was reading a book. The audacity of some people, the distance they will go to just simply hate others is dumbfounding. That same person even attacked me for going to college. Again, I discarded the friendship, taking her viciousness as her way of lashing out at people who will soon have a much better life than her. I think what pissed her off the most was that I am going to college for free.
Regardless, that is why 2 years from now I will have a decent degree and she will still be stuck in the ghetto feeding her 5 kids with food stamps while I am moving up in the world and making a decent salary.
It's been a constant struggle in my life, people always wanting me to be what they wanted me to be. My old high school teachers, parents, ex, and now even my old friends, some of them I've know for over 25 years, telling me I am an idiot for starting over and wanting to make something of myself. Well, as the song says...
I am finding it incredibly odd that even with the ex long gone, there is never a shortage of people who only want you to feel as terrible as they do. I have heard the saying "Misery loves company", but I have never pushed my negativity on anyone else. I guess my introvertive nature has kept that at bay. Even as i put myself first most of the time now, I find myself incredibly lonely a lot of the time. Even as I have ventured back out into the world, I have no real friends to speak of. I was doing the facebook thing till I got sick of the BS that comes with it. Once close females friends are prevented from speaking to me by their husbands because they feel I am some sort of threat to them and my male friends are too busy playing with their new buddies. I guess my absence from the real world really threw me for a loop. Again, that coma patient syndrome coming into play as the world moved forward without me. I can't say that I really blame anyone, but I always thought to myself if one of my friends were in a similar situation, I would welcome them back with open arms...and I did. People i had not spoken to in over 10 years found me via facebook and I was very happy to hear from them.
I was so excited that I wanted to meet up with them and have a good long chat over coffee like the old days, but for various reasons (and excuses) nothing ever came of it. Even a friend I had who now lives in a different city not too far from me tells me that she comes to see her parents all the time. I have been back home for just under a year now and as many times as I know she has been in town, she has always made some sort of excuse for us not to meet. Needless to say after about the 8th time of her feeding me a line, I blew her off completely and discarded the friendship as lost. She never really had any intention of ever seeing me again. Maybe she just wanted some one to be happy to hear from her in her screwy life.
Other people have just flat out attacked me for no reason, even going as far as attacking me for reading books. I'll say that again. I was insulted cause I mentioned on Facebook that I was reading a book. The audacity of some people, the distance they will go to just simply hate others is dumbfounding. That same person even attacked me for going to college. Again, I discarded the friendship, taking her viciousness as her way of lashing out at people who will soon have a much better life than her. I think what pissed her off the most was that I am going to college for free.
Regardless, that is why 2 years from now I will have a decent degree and she will still be stuck in the ghetto feeding her 5 kids with food stamps while I am moving up in the world and making a decent salary.
It's been a constant struggle in my life, people always wanting me to be what they wanted me to be. My old high school teachers, parents, ex, and now even my old friends, some of them I've know for over 25 years, telling me I am an idiot for starting over and wanting to make something of myself. Well, as the song says...
Celestial Delinquent
Well chapter 2 is underway. I am trying to rework my sleeping schedule so I am up during the night cause for some reason I do my best work at 3am...go figure. Main character is already on their way to the mall so i just have to stretch out the job acceptance a bit more and add a ton more detail to it. Shouldn't be too hard.
Also did my English Lab project paper tonight. 3 1/2 pages on why Lenny Bruce was so great. Easy stuff. Also checked out the movie "Lenny" starring Dustin Hoffman for kicks. It was pretty good. Hard to watch at certain times, but still very good.
Also did my English Lab project paper tonight. 3 1/2 pages on why Lenny Bruce was so great. Easy stuff. Also checked out the movie "Lenny" starring Dustin Hoffman for kicks. It was pretty good. Hard to watch at certain times, but still very good.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Fast Car
Chapter 1 is finished and I am already starting chapter 2. In the writing process, setting the stage has always been the hardest part for me, but this is coming along quite well. After school tomorrow or today i should say, I am hoping to write and complete chapter 2 and get started on chapter 3. I already have the real story written down so this should get easier as it goes on till i need the conflict to come into play. I am still trying to decide what sort of conflict to throw at the characters. It should get very interesting very soon.
Ridiculous Thoughts
Gotta love reading some ever interesting information on Loops in C++. My classmate wrote me cause she needed help. I really should read the chapter. I managed to get by writing the programs with just help from the book so I guess it's a good idea to do that. Gotta finish Intro to Comps homework though. You know school is on your mind when you dream about writing in the C++ language. It was pretty uneventful so I will spare you the details.
#include <string>
int total
string dream
cout << "This is pretty dumb to dream about! \n" << endl;
cin >> total;
cout << "Input random dream here. " << endl << endl;
cin>> dream;
yes, this dream was super special awesome. So anyway, back to homework.
#include <string>
int total
string dream
cout << "This is pretty dumb to dream about! \n" << endl;
cin >> total;
cout << "Input random dream here. " << endl << endl;
cin>> dream;
yes, this dream was super special awesome. So anyway, back to homework.
Watermark
I was walking through a neighborhood, not exactly sure where I was. It felt like an a street I used to travel quite a bit but has since changed in my memory into something else. I found myself moving from house to house, almost skipping my way across yards and sidewalks. At one point I may have been hurdling lawn ornaments. I felt a weight on my chest, but couldn't make out its meaning. I found myself at an organized movie night at some one house. I did not recognize the male owner.
A woman came over and stood next to me and asked if I wanted to stay or leave. I ended up leaving with her and we walked down the street holding hands. We strolled for what seemed like about 30 minutes till we got to a building with a corner entrance. At first she said I may not be able to go in with her so I waited outside as she went in. As i waited, I kept trying to figure out who she was and what this was about. I soon became self aware that I was dreaming.
After about 10 minutes, the door opened and a doorman told me I was able to come in and join her if i wanted. I walked inside to see her sitting at a desk. She was slouching a bit and suddenly her clothing seemed to big for her. She stared at me as I walked over to join her. I pulled up a chair and sat next to her as she adjusted in her seat. We stared at each other for a bit, till she said she didn't want to sit at the desk anymore and wanted to move to the couch. She got up and I followed her deeper into the building till we reached a couch. She sat down and grabbed my hand, pulling me down next to her. She curled up into a ball for a moment, then stretched her legs out so that they rested on my lap. She took my hands and placed them on her legs. Looking into my eyes she then asked "Why are you different? What makes you any different than me?"
I paused for a moment, then proceeded to run my hands over her legs to her amusement. She closed her eyes and allowed me to continue caressing her light, smooth skin. Her shirt, still way too big for her began sliding off her shoulders as she adjusted to get comfortable on the couch. It was here when I noticed she had curly blond locks of hair, about shoulder length, green eyes, and soft pouty lips.
After a glaring flash of light, she and I were in a pool. She was still wearing her over sized shirt, but it somehow remained dry as we moved through the calm water. We held each others arms at the wrist and guided each other from each side of the pool to the other. As we kept this up she once again asked "What makes you different than me?Why am I better than you?"
I moved her to one side of the pool, lifting her up by the waste and sitting her on the edge, allowing her legs to dangle into the pool. I moved closer to her and our eyes met. "I am an abuse survivor", I said without flinching. I then went on to tell her of my ordeal and what happened to me. We slowly existed the pool area and were soon walking through a garden, once again holding hands. I went on to tell her that it has seemingly become part of who I am. No matter how much therapy i go to or what kinds of medications I take, that part of my life will never be erased. Regardless of what story I tell, it seems to always somehow come out.
We continued walking as she absorbed my story, her hand clutching mine a little tighter. We came to a small opening within the garden where a large tree had grown. We both made our way to the tree and sat down under it, allowing its branches to shade us from some of the moonlight. We laid our heads back on the soft grass and looked up to the dark, star-filled sky. Several meteors could be seen flashing by as the night went on.
...then I woke up
I don't know who that woman in the dream was. Her face was not recognizable and her presence didn't stir any real emotion within me. I did feel somewhat comfortable with her though, as if I had known her for a long time, but never really felt any sort of attachment.
A woman came over and stood next to me and asked if I wanted to stay or leave. I ended up leaving with her and we walked down the street holding hands. We strolled for what seemed like about 30 minutes till we got to a building with a corner entrance. At first she said I may not be able to go in with her so I waited outside as she went in. As i waited, I kept trying to figure out who she was and what this was about. I soon became self aware that I was dreaming.
After about 10 minutes, the door opened and a doorman told me I was able to come in and join her if i wanted. I walked inside to see her sitting at a desk. She was slouching a bit and suddenly her clothing seemed to big for her. She stared at me as I walked over to join her. I pulled up a chair and sat next to her as she adjusted in her seat. We stared at each other for a bit, till she said she didn't want to sit at the desk anymore and wanted to move to the couch. She got up and I followed her deeper into the building till we reached a couch. She sat down and grabbed my hand, pulling me down next to her. She curled up into a ball for a moment, then stretched her legs out so that they rested on my lap. She took my hands and placed them on her legs. Looking into my eyes she then asked "Why are you different? What makes you any different than me?"
I paused for a moment, then proceeded to run my hands over her legs to her amusement. She closed her eyes and allowed me to continue caressing her light, smooth skin. Her shirt, still way too big for her began sliding off her shoulders as she adjusted to get comfortable on the couch. It was here when I noticed she had curly blond locks of hair, about shoulder length, green eyes, and soft pouty lips.
After a glaring flash of light, she and I were in a pool. She was still wearing her over sized shirt, but it somehow remained dry as we moved through the calm water. We held each others arms at the wrist and guided each other from each side of the pool to the other. As we kept this up she once again asked "What makes you different than me?Why am I better than you?"
I moved her to one side of the pool, lifting her up by the waste and sitting her on the edge, allowing her legs to dangle into the pool. I moved closer to her and our eyes met. "I am an abuse survivor", I said without flinching. I then went on to tell her of my ordeal and what happened to me. We slowly existed the pool area and were soon walking through a garden, once again holding hands. I went on to tell her that it has seemingly become part of who I am. No matter how much therapy i go to or what kinds of medications I take, that part of my life will never be erased. Regardless of what story I tell, it seems to always somehow come out.
We continued walking as she absorbed my story, her hand clutching mine a little tighter. We came to a small opening within the garden where a large tree had grown. We both made our way to the tree and sat down under it, allowing its branches to shade us from some of the moonlight. We laid our heads back on the soft grass and looked up to the dark, star-filled sky. Several meteors could be seen flashing by as the night went on.
...then I woke up
I don't know who that woman in the dream was. Her face was not recognizable and her presence didn't stir any real emotion within me. I did feel somewhat comfortable with her though, as if I had known her for a long time, but never really felt any sort of attachment.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
A Sorta Fairytale
I went back and looked over my previous "In Dreams" post and realized I had written a ton...i mean, it's approaching ridiculous as far as length. When I write, I do just that...write. Sometimes losing track of time and just going on and on, especially when I have a story to tell.
Going over the dream I realized I may have mused myself. If i really wanted to, I could take that dream and turn it into a mighty fine story. I think I am going to do just that. The circumstances are pretty strange, but it has a pure heart so I think I can build a world around it. I can develop those characters into real people and tailor a great romance, something that may be a bit much for the macho men out there, but I have a feeling I will be happy with it. Well, I guess I am off to get started on it. Hope it goes well. Where is my musical ammunition?
R
Going over the dream I realized I may have mused myself. If i really wanted to, I could take that dream and turn it into a mighty fine story. I think I am going to do just that. The circumstances are pretty strange, but it has a pure heart so I think I can build a world around it. I can develop those characters into real people and tailor a great romance, something that may be a bit much for the macho men out there, but I have a feeling I will be happy with it. Well, I guess I am off to get started on it. Hope it goes well. Where is my musical ammunition?
R
Friday, October 22, 2010
In Dreams
Two very odd, yet vivid dreams. The 2nd is incredibly long. One of those dreams that just stays with you for a long time.
1st...I have cornered my mother in a conversation and she finally admits that my father...is actually not my father. My father apparently was a man she had an affair with while married to my father...and my father knows this. I am part of the reason why they eventually divorced. He did however agree to never tell me that he wasn't really my father. I am instantly shocked by this news and I spend the greater part of the dream asking my mother about who my real father is. I end up following her around my long deceased grandmother's old house as she blurts out random details of who this man is. She said that thankfully I didn't look very much like him at all, which in real life is quite true. My resemblance to my mother can clearly be seen and has been mentioned to me many many times over my life. She kept on spouting random information, even to the point where she said she had no idea where this man could be, stating it has been several years since she has heard from him.
2nd...I find myself in what appears to be a shopping mall. I look around, but i do not see anyone I know. Plenty of people walk by me and look, many of them with smiles, both men and women. I look around so much, I begin to spin. Finally noticing a small shop to my left, I am invited in by a very upbeat woman, asking me if I am there for the job. I tell her yes and she tells me she has all my stuff ready for me to start, including my bonuses and my assigned "relationship". Without saying anything, I ask her what that means, as she walks around gathering various items and placing them in a large plastic bag. She tells me that with employment, I am offered a supporting relationship with a randomly generated person. To achieve best results, they had previously given me a personality test, taking in all my likes and dislikes, factoring in hobbies, personal interests, and and even as far as looking for some one with certain sex characteristics that I may find appealing.
As I see this woman continue to walk back and forth gathering various items such as shoes, headphones, a wireless phone, etc, I begin to look around the store and notice the sweet smell of cherries filling my senses. The merchandise around me which was once various colors begins to change into various shades of red, some dull, some with so much shine its hard to look at them. The store fixtures which were at first stainless steel turn to glass, but have no problem holding up the weight of various items placed on them. Final the woman hands me all these items, some bagged like the cell phone, and some not, like the shoes, and tells me that my assigned woman will be out in about 2 minutes. As I wait, the woman then hands me what appears to be a small poster. I recognize what appears to be my handwriting on it and open it up. On the inside, it has photos of people doing various low paying jobs, such as a fast food counter person or a shop keeper. I cannot make out the name of the company, but from what I can make out this company is a conglomerate and owns various fast food places, shops and boutiques. When you apply, you are given a test and based on those results, you are assigned a job at either a restaurant, a clothing store or accessory kiosk, or something which requires more education such as an electronics store which offers various types of services like repairs.
I have apparently been assigned to be the chief computer repairman at an electronics store in the mall.
After waiting a bit longer, my "relationship" walks out from a back area of the store, accompanied by the woman who hired me. She explains to me that all the items she has given me are part of my compensation, because although many people seek to be employed by their company, the jobs are by no means easy. She also adds that my assigned relationship is there to offer support whenever I find my life is becoming difficult. I look over to the woman assigned to me and she is beautiful. She appears to me a mix of Asian and North American descent. Her skin is somewhat pale, but not really white. She is just an inch or two shorter than myself (I am 5'10'') with an athletic body. Her hair is reddish with hints of blond and shoulder length, and her facial features soft and welcoming. Her smile is disarming, her full rose-colored lips beg for my attention. Her eyes are dark, yet inviting, and immediately give me a sense of relief when I look into them. She seems a bit different from my real life relationships. Her appearance is somewhat punk rock, yet clean and approachable, whereas most of my prior relationships were nothing close to this...mostly women from what some would think are decent homes. They were feminine, so much so some would refer to them as "girly", and not incredibly athletic.
(by the way, I know exactly who I am dreaming of...who the girl is at least)
She says to me that she is very happy to have met me. She says she joined the company with the hopes of finding a decent man. She says she is very successful in her own right, but has struggled with finding a decent person to share her life with. Because she doesn't want her personal success to have a negative influence on our meeting, she declines to tell me what she does, promising that when she feels the time is right she will tell me everything. After a sigh, I give her the space she asks for and tell her "I have faith that you will tell me when you are ready." (this is the only time I actually hear myself speaking in this dream)
The other woman says that is all she needs from me today and that I should check out my assigned workplace today so that when i come to my first day of work next week, I will not get lost or be confused as to where its location is. I tell my relationship or "Anna" as we will call her for the time being cause calling her "the relationships" seems incredibly impersonal...by the way, "Anna" is chosen for a reason. I tell Anna that I do need to check out my store, but that so she isn't forced to wait for me while I go there, I offer to take her to my place and she agrees. We walk out of the mall to my small, blue car and I offer to open the door for her. She smiles and says that I don't have to cater to her. I tell her I am just trying to be a gentleman, but she says she prefers to do such things herself. I tell her I will keep that in mind and we both get in. We strap ourselves in with seat belts and I start the car. As I drive, she tells me that although she finds chivalry interesting, she feels it takes away from the intimacy of a relationship. She goes on to say that although she can see why certain woman may find that quality attractive, she thinks that it's important for her to not become spoiled by certain things and that a relationship should be like a glamorized friendship. She goes on and tells me that she has never really had a best friend in her life and that she was hoping to some day find one, thinking that if their love was unconditional that she would see fit to offer herself to him and he, hopefully, would offer himself to her.
I found the conversation incredibly fulfilling and I can't help thinking that I may have been smiling in my sleep. I recall looking at her relaxing in the seat next to me. She was feminine, yet at the same time almost tomboyish. She didn't seem uptight at all and her approach to conversation made me feel as if we had been friends for years. Every now and then she would catch me looking at her. When she did, she would at first give me a playful tap on the shoulder and smile, till finally she leaned over and whispered in my ear "some say it's not polite to stare, but with you I may make an exception", the inflection of her voice friendly with the slightest touch of sex. I couldn't helping looking over to her again and again. She had on an old t shirt with a rip here and there and an almost schoolgirl skirt. Her footwear was an old pair of Doc Martens, about 16 lace holes.
When we finally got to my place, i pulled the car to the curb and told her that I lived up a set of stairs and she quickly hopped out of the car, closing the door behind her. She looked up at my small apartment building and smiled adding "Do i get to nap on your bed while you are gone?", and I said that should be just fine. We walked in and she made herself at home, never once commenting on the fact that my place was small and almost barren in appearance. Her presence seems to awaken color which didn't seem alive when we first walked in, but which is now making its presence known. She makes her way to my bedroom and flops down onto the bed. "Oh thank god it's not too soft" she says, slowly bouncing up and down on the mattress. I show her where the bathroom is and welcome her to any food there may be in the fridge or cabinets. She looks for an finds my computer in my bedroom and asks if she can listen to my music while I am gone. I tell her that is fine and she immediately turns the computer on. I log her on as she stands next me me smiling, draping her arm loosely over my shoulder. I also tell her there are movies and other forms of entertainment that she is more than welcome to.
I notice that Anna had brought up the bag the other woman from the store gave to me and laid it on the bed. I flip it upside down and look over the contents. As i had noticed before, there was a wireless phone. I pick it up and turn it on. After it powers on, it immediately beeps, telling me i have 112 new messages. "Mr Popular" Anna jokingly says as she spins around to look at me. She offers me privacy so that I can listen to the messages, but I tell her its ok because I have no idea who would have left me messages on a phone I didn't have till just about an hour ago. I dial into the voice mail and turn on the speaker phone function, laying the phone on the bed so that I can change and listen at the same time. Anna turns back to the computer, clicking her and there with the mouse as she opens up a web browser.
A familiar voice quickly fills the room as the voice mails start. I hear my ex's voice loud and clear. She is asking why i am not answering my phone. I turn and stare at the phone, stiffened by the possibility that she somehow managed to get the phone number to this new phone in 45 minutes. Anna turns to the phone, realizing who it may be, then looks to me. Her face is expressionless, her eyes waiting for me to respond vocally to the message. I stand there, unable to bring myself to walk to the phone and end the call. Anna picks up on this and stands up, slowly grabbing the phone. She looks it over and ends the call. Tossing the phone back on the bed, Anna looks up to me and walks over. Her eyes seem almost sad, as if asking me if I am ok. She raises her hands and softly touches my face, then pulls me to her and embraces me, softly at first, then over a short time she clasps her arms around me tighter and tighter. We stood there just holding each other for what seemed like forever. She digs her head into my chest, the warm, sweet smell of her hair emanating upwards and dazzling my senses. We are silent for a short while longer.
"Now who goes through all the trouble of getting you a new phone and doesn't think to make sure it has an mp3 player!" Anna blurts out. I smile immediately and she slowly pulls her head from my chest and looks at me. "Is it ok if i stay here with you tonight?" she asks, smiling at me. I tell her she can stay if she likes. I turn back toward the closet and walk in. I reach for a shirt and change into it. I look back to see that Anna has turned on the music player on the computer, but left the volume relatively low. She is laying back on the bed, her hands resting on her stomach as I walk out of the closet. "How long do you think you will be?" she asks, sitting up on the bed. I tell her I do not know, but I don't think it should be too long. She jumps to her feet and accompanies me to the door. I open it and realize that the night has brown quite dark and tell myself it must be about 8pm although it feels like 1am. I turn back to her as we stand in the doorway. She smiles at me once more and I tell her I will get back as soon as possible so that we can possibly do something tonight if she likes. She says ok, then suddenly tells me to wait. She walks back to the bedroom and grabs my phone. She walks back over, typing something into it as she gets back to the doorway. She hands me the phone and says "I put my number in there for you. I want you to call me when you are done. I was thinking of ordering out so when you are ready, let me know." I nod at her and turn to leave. She suddenly grabs at my arm and holds me for a moment.
I turn to look at her and she stares at me. As she does, I feel as if she is asking me a question without speaking, almost offering a telepathic query. "Am I too different for you?" she asks, looking down to her boots and tugging on her ragged shirt. I pause for a moment and ask her if she thinks i am too different for her. She shakes her head no and I smile back at her. "Go" she says, letting go of my arm.
I walk down the stairs and make my way to my car. I look back up to the door and she is still standing there looking at me and smiling. After pausing for a moment, I open the car door and get it. I start the car and drive away.
I make my way back to the mall where my store is located. I walk back in the same door and past the shop where I met Anna. I go up an escalator and turn left walking down a large hallway lined with various stores. There are people all over regardless of the later evening hour. After a short distance, I find the store, noticing that it looks as if they are getting ready to close, the gate which acts as a door after closing halfway down. I see what appears to be a customer and two people inside helping them. I walk in and notice a woman standing and looking at a tv which is not on. For some reason I stand behind her for a bit and sit down on the floor. She turns to me sits down as well, using my shoulder as a leaning post. Soon a man makes his way to me and welcomes me to the store, joining myself and the woman on the floor. He says "It's been a long time since we had some one as skilled as you hired on. I heard they offered you a "relationship" as part of your compensation. Did you already collect it?" I tell him that I was given a bag full of items and introduced to Anna while I was at the other store. He says thats not the normal way they go about it and that my situation must be different.
He says they normally try you out first and if you are a top worker, then they offer you a "relationship". I told him I am not sure why I was already given one. He adds that its even more unusual for them to have some one there already waiting. He tells me that it's as if they were waiting for me to come, knowing that I eventually would. I offer back that I don't see how they would know I was coming. He says "So since you already met her, whats her name?" I tell her its Anna. He and the woman look at each other for a moment. He tells me that Anna was supposed to have been saved for a specific person, adding that she joined the company with the understanding that she would be offered to only one particular person of her choosing. I ask how they know this and the tell me they cannot say. They also tell me that they weren't supposed to know, but found out from a leaked memo on Anna. The two begin to hug each other and tell me that as part of their compensation, they were offered each other and accepted. They had so much in common that it was only natural that they would be paired up. They had both worked at the electronics store for 3 months when they, on the same day, were told that they were awarded a relationship and were beyond thrilled when they found out it was to each other.
I stood up, now completely intrigued as to what the reason was for me being awarded Anna. I told the man and woman that I was gonna go, but will be at work next week. We shook hands and I was off, grabbing my phone as I left the store. I began to question myself and what was going on. Why Anna? Apparently she chose me, but why? What was going on here and how did they know I was going to accept the job? Anna was waiting for me there so they must have been expecting me. I began to think of Anna more and more as i walked out of the mall toward my car. She seemed so comfortable around me and didn't once comment on how old my car was or how small my place was. I realized I was still holding my phone.
I opened my car door and got in. I looked through my phone book and there was her number, already programmed in. I called her and she answered almost immediately. I told her I was on my way back. She says that she wanted to order out and if Chinese was ok with me. I told her that was fine. She asked me what I wanted and i paused, then finally told her to order whatever she thought I might like. She said ok and I ended the call. I put on my seat belt and started the car. What was really going on here?
As i drove, the car felt sluggish, as if it didn't really want to move much. The drive home took forever because of this. When I finally arrived, i saw an Asian man descending from my apartment, wearing a baseball cap. He walked over to a Moped Scooter and proceeded to start it and drive away. I walked up the stairs with a strange feeling of dread in my heart. I almost didn't want to open the door, but forced myself to.
I walked in and the aroma of Asian cooking filled the air. I looked over to the small dining table I had and there was Anna unpacking various cartons full of food. She looked up and smiled at me as she place the plastic bags into the garbage. She turned to the fridge and pulled out two bottles of water and placed them on the table. I stood silent as long as i could, till finally she realized something was wrong.
"What happened, Richard?" she says standing just in front of me. I stood silent once again for about a minute, looking down then up to her and down again. The silence began to rattle her a bit. I looked back up and her and she looked very nervous. "Did I do something wrong?" she says.
After another moment, I turn and walk to the bedroom. Anna quickly follows and lightly touched my arm as I sit on the bed. I begin removing my shoes and she sits next to me. She continues looking at me, her eyes killing me softly with each passing moment. I stand up and turn to her, then ask her who she is. I ask her to tell me why she chose me and how did she know I would accept the job. I ask her was I was awarded a relationship so quickly while everyone else has to wait to get theirs. She sat silent for a moment, he body language showing some shame. As I looked at her, she eventually averted her eyes, as if she were being scolded.
She lays back on the bed and looks up at the ceiling. She raises her arm up and asks me to lay next to her on the bed. I take her hand and lay next to her, her eyes, very guilt ridden, still avoiding mine. She explains that she is not a regular employee of the company. She says that she had her own personal success outside the company, but came in when she was going through a massive depression. She knew about how the company was incredibly effective at paring people together based on personalities, but had no real need for a regular job. Based on her personality test, she was paired with a few seemingly compatible matches, but was allowed to skim through the applicant pool. She says she came across my file and was intrigued by the description and the personality results. She said they also keep a very in depth history of the individuals, even going as far back as childhood in most cases. She took my file home and became enthralled, almost obsessed with it, finding herself turning to the stories of my life over and over. She says she came across the events from my previous 10 years and felt an incredible amount of guilt reading them, eventually abandoning the text portion of the history. She knew about the abuse I had suffered, but didn't feel it was right for her to know so much about me when I had no idea who she was.
She says based on the profile, that we were not what the company considered compatible, but part of her agreement with the company was that she got to choose who she got to be with. I sat up in bed and asked her if the only reason she was with me was out of pity. She quickly said she wasn't, that as soon as she noticed the pattern of abuse in the history, she stopped reading.
My heart dropped and I stood up and walked to the living room. Anna followed me and grabbed my hands, forcing me to look at her. "I read that history and I felt so much guilt, as if i were spying on your life as it happened. That felt wrong" she said. "I know the company didn't want me to choose you, but I did anyway."
I asked her why. She says that based on my reactions to situation, she was interested in seeing how I would react to her. She said she would know whether or not she would love me within the first minute of meeting me solely on how i reacted to her appearance and her attitude. "You didn't judge me, Richard. You accepted me without question." she said. "Look at me! Who in their right mind would wanna be with a punk chic with old clothes and combat boots? In my heart I knew you would."
I felt my heart waver, my legs getting weary from the emotional bond I was feeling with her. None of my old flames looked anything like her. She painted herself as a bad girl, but i accepted her anyway. Even I was beginning to question why I was accepting her.
I stood there motionless for a moment. I felt light headed, as if I would pass out at any moment. Suddenly I felt her pulling at me, my arms seemingly on their own wrapped around her. She, placing her hand on my face, lightly kissed my lips. My mind, fluttering endlessly, felt instantly at ease and peaceful. "Do you feel that?" she says shortly after pulling back from me a bit. Her eyes stalking my emotions, I finally gave into her and looked directed back. I asked her how she was doing this to me.
She shuttered for a moment, then tears filled her eyes. Her grasp on me grew tighter and her body began to shake. "This is why it has to be you. It absolutely must be you", she says, her voice breaking just a bit. "We've both been to hell and back. We're both damaged. We've both had our hearts ripped apart. You know me. I look at you and I see me."
I couldn't stand anymore; my legs finally giving way, i fell to the floor. Anna, trying her best to break my fall, clutches her hands to my shoulders and follows me down. "It's you, Richard!" she says, tears still flowing down her cheeks. "They told me when you finally left her. They told me you were sick. I was so scared that you wouldn't make it. They told me it was forbidden for me to contact you before I was awarded to you so all I could do was watch and hope that you'd pull through."
Anna went on, telling me that she waited over a year for me to finally leave her, then continued to wait till i accepted the job. She says she must have waited almost two full years, hoping that I would break out of my depression. She tells me that watching over me was her all she did for the last 2 years when she wasn't working. She had be depressed, but found a way to break out of it by looking forward to updates she would get from the company about me. As time went on, she was supplied with more and more information about me, including pictures and reports from doctors about my health. She knew it was wrong, but she couldn't help herself. I asked her how she was able to have such influence over the company, so much so that they would give her any information about me that she asked for. "Well, to put it in simple to understand terms, I am very rich." she said, smiling through her tears. She goes on and tells me that she holds stock in the company that her family holds a lot of influence over it.
"I am so sorry that it happened this way, but I had to see you. I waited so long and hoped beyond hope that you would get better that when I was told that you were coming in, possibly to accept the job, I told them I couldn't wait any longer. I wanted to be awarded immediately. They broke the rules for us.", her voice softening more and more, its tone ringing in my ears and embedding itself into my heart.
"I know i can't make you fall for me." she said, taking my hands in her. "Even now, I'm here waiting for you."
...then i woke up
guess I should answer the question of who "Anna" was..or at least let you know what person represented "Anna". Again, this is just who "Anna" was in the dream. Guess maybe since I listen to her music she may have been on my mind.
[caption id="attachment_13" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="her real name is Anna Tsuchiya"]
[/caption]
1st...I have cornered my mother in a conversation and she finally admits that my father...is actually not my father. My father apparently was a man she had an affair with while married to my father...and my father knows this. I am part of the reason why they eventually divorced. He did however agree to never tell me that he wasn't really my father. I am instantly shocked by this news and I spend the greater part of the dream asking my mother about who my real father is. I end up following her around my long deceased grandmother's old house as she blurts out random details of who this man is. She said that thankfully I didn't look very much like him at all, which in real life is quite true. My resemblance to my mother can clearly be seen and has been mentioned to me many many times over my life. She kept on spouting random information, even to the point where she said she had no idea where this man could be, stating it has been several years since she has heard from him.
2nd...I find myself in what appears to be a shopping mall. I look around, but i do not see anyone I know. Plenty of people walk by me and look, many of them with smiles, both men and women. I look around so much, I begin to spin. Finally noticing a small shop to my left, I am invited in by a very upbeat woman, asking me if I am there for the job. I tell her yes and she tells me she has all my stuff ready for me to start, including my bonuses and my assigned "relationship". Without saying anything, I ask her what that means, as she walks around gathering various items and placing them in a large plastic bag. She tells me that with employment, I am offered a supporting relationship with a randomly generated person. To achieve best results, they had previously given me a personality test, taking in all my likes and dislikes, factoring in hobbies, personal interests, and and even as far as looking for some one with certain sex characteristics that I may find appealing.
As I see this woman continue to walk back and forth gathering various items such as shoes, headphones, a wireless phone, etc, I begin to look around the store and notice the sweet smell of cherries filling my senses. The merchandise around me which was once various colors begins to change into various shades of red, some dull, some with so much shine its hard to look at them. The store fixtures which were at first stainless steel turn to glass, but have no problem holding up the weight of various items placed on them. Final the woman hands me all these items, some bagged like the cell phone, and some not, like the shoes, and tells me that my assigned woman will be out in about 2 minutes. As I wait, the woman then hands me what appears to be a small poster. I recognize what appears to be my handwriting on it and open it up. On the inside, it has photos of people doing various low paying jobs, such as a fast food counter person or a shop keeper. I cannot make out the name of the company, but from what I can make out this company is a conglomerate and owns various fast food places, shops and boutiques. When you apply, you are given a test and based on those results, you are assigned a job at either a restaurant, a clothing store or accessory kiosk, or something which requires more education such as an electronics store which offers various types of services like repairs.
I have apparently been assigned to be the chief computer repairman at an electronics store in the mall.
After waiting a bit longer, my "relationship" walks out from a back area of the store, accompanied by the woman who hired me. She explains to me that all the items she has given me are part of my compensation, because although many people seek to be employed by their company, the jobs are by no means easy. She also adds that my assigned relationship is there to offer support whenever I find my life is becoming difficult. I look over to the woman assigned to me and she is beautiful. She appears to me a mix of Asian and North American descent. Her skin is somewhat pale, but not really white. She is just an inch or two shorter than myself (I am 5'10'') with an athletic body. Her hair is reddish with hints of blond and shoulder length, and her facial features soft and welcoming. Her smile is disarming, her full rose-colored lips beg for my attention. Her eyes are dark, yet inviting, and immediately give me a sense of relief when I look into them. She seems a bit different from my real life relationships. Her appearance is somewhat punk rock, yet clean and approachable, whereas most of my prior relationships were nothing close to this...mostly women from what some would think are decent homes. They were feminine, so much so some would refer to them as "girly", and not incredibly athletic.
(by the way, I know exactly who I am dreaming of...who the girl is at least)
She says to me that she is very happy to have met me. She says she joined the company with the hopes of finding a decent man. She says she is very successful in her own right, but has struggled with finding a decent person to share her life with. Because she doesn't want her personal success to have a negative influence on our meeting, she declines to tell me what she does, promising that when she feels the time is right she will tell me everything. After a sigh, I give her the space she asks for and tell her "I have faith that you will tell me when you are ready." (this is the only time I actually hear myself speaking in this dream)
The other woman says that is all she needs from me today and that I should check out my assigned workplace today so that when i come to my first day of work next week, I will not get lost or be confused as to where its location is. I tell my relationship or "Anna" as we will call her for the time being cause calling her "the relationships" seems incredibly impersonal...by the way, "Anna" is chosen for a reason. I tell Anna that I do need to check out my store, but that so she isn't forced to wait for me while I go there, I offer to take her to my place and she agrees. We walk out of the mall to my small, blue car and I offer to open the door for her. She smiles and says that I don't have to cater to her. I tell her I am just trying to be a gentleman, but she says she prefers to do such things herself. I tell her I will keep that in mind and we both get in. We strap ourselves in with seat belts and I start the car. As I drive, she tells me that although she finds chivalry interesting, she feels it takes away from the intimacy of a relationship. She goes on to say that although she can see why certain woman may find that quality attractive, she thinks that it's important for her to not become spoiled by certain things and that a relationship should be like a glamorized friendship. She goes on and tells me that she has never really had a best friend in her life and that she was hoping to some day find one, thinking that if their love was unconditional that she would see fit to offer herself to him and he, hopefully, would offer himself to her.
I found the conversation incredibly fulfilling and I can't help thinking that I may have been smiling in my sleep. I recall looking at her relaxing in the seat next to me. She was feminine, yet at the same time almost tomboyish. She didn't seem uptight at all and her approach to conversation made me feel as if we had been friends for years. Every now and then she would catch me looking at her. When she did, she would at first give me a playful tap on the shoulder and smile, till finally she leaned over and whispered in my ear "some say it's not polite to stare, but with you I may make an exception", the inflection of her voice friendly with the slightest touch of sex. I couldn't helping looking over to her again and again. She had on an old t shirt with a rip here and there and an almost schoolgirl skirt. Her footwear was an old pair of Doc Martens, about 16 lace holes.
When we finally got to my place, i pulled the car to the curb and told her that I lived up a set of stairs and she quickly hopped out of the car, closing the door behind her. She looked up at my small apartment building and smiled adding "Do i get to nap on your bed while you are gone?", and I said that should be just fine. We walked in and she made herself at home, never once commenting on the fact that my place was small and almost barren in appearance. Her presence seems to awaken color which didn't seem alive when we first walked in, but which is now making its presence known. She makes her way to my bedroom and flops down onto the bed. "Oh thank god it's not too soft" she says, slowly bouncing up and down on the mattress. I show her where the bathroom is and welcome her to any food there may be in the fridge or cabinets. She looks for an finds my computer in my bedroom and asks if she can listen to my music while I am gone. I tell her that is fine and she immediately turns the computer on. I log her on as she stands next me me smiling, draping her arm loosely over my shoulder. I also tell her there are movies and other forms of entertainment that she is more than welcome to.
I notice that Anna had brought up the bag the other woman from the store gave to me and laid it on the bed. I flip it upside down and look over the contents. As i had noticed before, there was a wireless phone. I pick it up and turn it on. After it powers on, it immediately beeps, telling me i have 112 new messages. "Mr Popular" Anna jokingly says as she spins around to look at me. She offers me privacy so that I can listen to the messages, but I tell her its ok because I have no idea who would have left me messages on a phone I didn't have till just about an hour ago. I dial into the voice mail and turn on the speaker phone function, laying the phone on the bed so that I can change and listen at the same time. Anna turns back to the computer, clicking her and there with the mouse as she opens up a web browser.
A familiar voice quickly fills the room as the voice mails start. I hear my ex's voice loud and clear. She is asking why i am not answering my phone. I turn and stare at the phone, stiffened by the possibility that she somehow managed to get the phone number to this new phone in 45 minutes. Anna turns to the phone, realizing who it may be, then looks to me. Her face is expressionless, her eyes waiting for me to respond vocally to the message. I stand there, unable to bring myself to walk to the phone and end the call. Anna picks up on this and stands up, slowly grabbing the phone. She looks it over and ends the call. Tossing the phone back on the bed, Anna looks up to me and walks over. Her eyes seem almost sad, as if asking me if I am ok. She raises her hands and softly touches my face, then pulls me to her and embraces me, softly at first, then over a short time she clasps her arms around me tighter and tighter. We stood there just holding each other for what seemed like forever. She digs her head into my chest, the warm, sweet smell of her hair emanating upwards and dazzling my senses. We are silent for a short while longer.
"Now who goes through all the trouble of getting you a new phone and doesn't think to make sure it has an mp3 player!" Anna blurts out. I smile immediately and she slowly pulls her head from my chest and looks at me. "Is it ok if i stay here with you tonight?" she asks, smiling at me. I tell her she can stay if she likes. I turn back toward the closet and walk in. I reach for a shirt and change into it. I look back to see that Anna has turned on the music player on the computer, but left the volume relatively low. She is laying back on the bed, her hands resting on her stomach as I walk out of the closet. "How long do you think you will be?" she asks, sitting up on the bed. I tell her I do not know, but I don't think it should be too long. She jumps to her feet and accompanies me to the door. I open it and realize that the night has brown quite dark and tell myself it must be about 8pm although it feels like 1am. I turn back to her as we stand in the doorway. She smiles at me once more and I tell her I will get back as soon as possible so that we can possibly do something tonight if she likes. She says ok, then suddenly tells me to wait. She walks back to the bedroom and grabs my phone. She walks back over, typing something into it as she gets back to the doorway. She hands me the phone and says "I put my number in there for you. I want you to call me when you are done. I was thinking of ordering out so when you are ready, let me know." I nod at her and turn to leave. She suddenly grabs at my arm and holds me for a moment.
I turn to look at her and she stares at me. As she does, I feel as if she is asking me a question without speaking, almost offering a telepathic query. "Am I too different for you?" she asks, looking down to her boots and tugging on her ragged shirt. I pause for a moment and ask her if she thinks i am too different for her. She shakes her head no and I smile back at her. "Go" she says, letting go of my arm.
I walk down the stairs and make my way to my car. I look back up to the door and she is still standing there looking at me and smiling. After pausing for a moment, I open the car door and get it. I start the car and drive away.
I make my way back to the mall where my store is located. I walk back in the same door and past the shop where I met Anna. I go up an escalator and turn left walking down a large hallway lined with various stores. There are people all over regardless of the later evening hour. After a short distance, I find the store, noticing that it looks as if they are getting ready to close, the gate which acts as a door after closing halfway down. I see what appears to be a customer and two people inside helping them. I walk in and notice a woman standing and looking at a tv which is not on. For some reason I stand behind her for a bit and sit down on the floor. She turns to me sits down as well, using my shoulder as a leaning post. Soon a man makes his way to me and welcomes me to the store, joining myself and the woman on the floor. He says "It's been a long time since we had some one as skilled as you hired on. I heard they offered you a "relationship" as part of your compensation. Did you already collect it?" I tell him that I was given a bag full of items and introduced to Anna while I was at the other store. He says thats not the normal way they go about it and that my situation must be different.
He says they normally try you out first and if you are a top worker, then they offer you a "relationship". I told him I am not sure why I was already given one. He adds that its even more unusual for them to have some one there already waiting. He tells me that it's as if they were waiting for me to come, knowing that I eventually would. I offer back that I don't see how they would know I was coming. He says "So since you already met her, whats her name?" I tell her its Anna. He and the woman look at each other for a moment. He tells me that Anna was supposed to have been saved for a specific person, adding that she joined the company with the understanding that she would be offered to only one particular person of her choosing. I ask how they know this and the tell me they cannot say. They also tell me that they weren't supposed to know, but found out from a leaked memo on Anna. The two begin to hug each other and tell me that as part of their compensation, they were offered each other and accepted. They had so much in common that it was only natural that they would be paired up. They had both worked at the electronics store for 3 months when they, on the same day, were told that they were awarded a relationship and were beyond thrilled when they found out it was to each other.
I stood up, now completely intrigued as to what the reason was for me being awarded Anna. I told the man and woman that I was gonna go, but will be at work next week. We shook hands and I was off, grabbing my phone as I left the store. I began to question myself and what was going on. Why Anna? Apparently she chose me, but why? What was going on here and how did they know I was going to accept the job? Anna was waiting for me there so they must have been expecting me. I began to think of Anna more and more as i walked out of the mall toward my car. She seemed so comfortable around me and didn't once comment on how old my car was or how small my place was. I realized I was still holding my phone.
I opened my car door and got in. I looked through my phone book and there was her number, already programmed in. I called her and she answered almost immediately. I told her I was on my way back. She says that she wanted to order out and if Chinese was ok with me. I told her that was fine. She asked me what I wanted and i paused, then finally told her to order whatever she thought I might like. She said ok and I ended the call. I put on my seat belt and started the car. What was really going on here?
As i drove, the car felt sluggish, as if it didn't really want to move much. The drive home took forever because of this. When I finally arrived, i saw an Asian man descending from my apartment, wearing a baseball cap. He walked over to a Moped Scooter and proceeded to start it and drive away. I walked up the stairs with a strange feeling of dread in my heart. I almost didn't want to open the door, but forced myself to.
I walked in and the aroma of Asian cooking filled the air. I looked over to the small dining table I had and there was Anna unpacking various cartons full of food. She looked up and smiled at me as she place the plastic bags into the garbage. She turned to the fridge and pulled out two bottles of water and placed them on the table. I stood silent as long as i could, till finally she realized something was wrong.
"What happened, Richard?" she says standing just in front of me. I stood silent once again for about a minute, looking down then up to her and down again. The silence began to rattle her a bit. I looked back up and her and she looked very nervous. "Did I do something wrong?" she says.
After another moment, I turn and walk to the bedroom. Anna quickly follows and lightly touched my arm as I sit on the bed. I begin removing my shoes and she sits next to me. She continues looking at me, her eyes killing me softly with each passing moment. I stand up and turn to her, then ask her who she is. I ask her to tell me why she chose me and how did she know I would accept the job. I ask her was I was awarded a relationship so quickly while everyone else has to wait to get theirs. She sat silent for a moment, he body language showing some shame. As I looked at her, she eventually averted her eyes, as if she were being scolded.
She lays back on the bed and looks up at the ceiling. She raises her arm up and asks me to lay next to her on the bed. I take her hand and lay next to her, her eyes, very guilt ridden, still avoiding mine. She explains that she is not a regular employee of the company. She says that she had her own personal success outside the company, but came in when she was going through a massive depression. She knew about how the company was incredibly effective at paring people together based on personalities, but had no real need for a regular job. Based on her personality test, she was paired with a few seemingly compatible matches, but was allowed to skim through the applicant pool. She says she came across my file and was intrigued by the description and the personality results. She said they also keep a very in depth history of the individuals, even going as far back as childhood in most cases. She took my file home and became enthralled, almost obsessed with it, finding herself turning to the stories of my life over and over. She says she came across the events from my previous 10 years and felt an incredible amount of guilt reading them, eventually abandoning the text portion of the history. She knew about the abuse I had suffered, but didn't feel it was right for her to know so much about me when I had no idea who she was.
She says based on the profile, that we were not what the company considered compatible, but part of her agreement with the company was that she got to choose who she got to be with. I sat up in bed and asked her if the only reason she was with me was out of pity. She quickly said she wasn't, that as soon as she noticed the pattern of abuse in the history, she stopped reading.
My heart dropped and I stood up and walked to the living room. Anna followed me and grabbed my hands, forcing me to look at her. "I read that history and I felt so much guilt, as if i were spying on your life as it happened. That felt wrong" she said. "I know the company didn't want me to choose you, but I did anyway."
I asked her why. She says that based on my reactions to situation, she was interested in seeing how I would react to her. She said she would know whether or not she would love me within the first minute of meeting me solely on how i reacted to her appearance and her attitude. "You didn't judge me, Richard. You accepted me without question." she said. "Look at me! Who in their right mind would wanna be with a punk chic with old clothes and combat boots? In my heart I knew you would."
I felt my heart waver, my legs getting weary from the emotional bond I was feeling with her. None of my old flames looked anything like her. She painted herself as a bad girl, but i accepted her anyway. Even I was beginning to question why I was accepting her.
I stood there motionless for a moment. I felt light headed, as if I would pass out at any moment. Suddenly I felt her pulling at me, my arms seemingly on their own wrapped around her. She, placing her hand on my face, lightly kissed my lips. My mind, fluttering endlessly, felt instantly at ease and peaceful. "Do you feel that?" she says shortly after pulling back from me a bit. Her eyes stalking my emotions, I finally gave into her and looked directed back. I asked her how she was doing this to me.
She shuttered for a moment, then tears filled her eyes. Her grasp on me grew tighter and her body began to shake. "This is why it has to be you. It absolutely must be you", she says, her voice breaking just a bit. "We've both been to hell and back. We're both damaged. We've both had our hearts ripped apart. You know me. I look at you and I see me."
I couldn't stand anymore; my legs finally giving way, i fell to the floor. Anna, trying her best to break my fall, clutches her hands to my shoulders and follows me down. "It's you, Richard!" she says, tears still flowing down her cheeks. "They told me when you finally left her. They told me you were sick. I was so scared that you wouldn't make it. They told me it was forbidden for me to contact you before I was awarded to you so all I could do was watch and hope that you'd pull through."
Anna went on, telling me that she waited over a year for me to finally leave her, then continued to wait till i accepted the job. She says she must have waited almost two full years, hoping that I would break out of my depression. She tells me that watching over me was her all she did for the last 2 years when she wasn't working. She had be depressed, but found a way to break out of it by looking forward to updates she would get from the company about me. As time went on, she was supplied with more and more information about me, including pictures and reports from doctors about my health. She knew it was wrong, but she couldn't help herself. I asked her how she was able to have such influence over the company, so much so that they would give her any information about me that she asked for. "Well, to put it in simple to understand terms, I am very rich." she said, smiling through her tears. She goes on and tells me that she holds stock in the company that her family holds a lot of influence over it.
"I am so sorry that it happened this way, but I had to see you. I waited so long and hoped beyond hope that you would get better that when I was told that you were coming in, possibly to accept the job, I told them I couldn't wait any longer. I wanted to be awarded immediately. They broke the rules for us.", her voice softening more and more, its tone ringing in my ears and embedding itself into my heart.
"I know i can't make you fall for me." she said, taking my hands in her. "Even now, I'm here waiting for you."
...then i woke up
guess I should answer the question of who "Anna" was..or at least let you know what person represented "Anna". Again, this is just who "Anna" was in the dream. Guess maybe since I listen to her music she may have been on my mind.
[caption id="attachment_13" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="her real name is Anna Tsuchiya"]
[/caption]
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