Who am i and what am I doing here? I'm not completely sure most of the time if what I am doing is right. I am just so tired of waiting for something to happen. I know, things will not just happen, I have to make them. Well, I am hardly sitting around on my ass letting the world pass me by anymore. I am being more social that I have been in years. I am bettering myself with college and getting alone swimmingly with my classmates who for some reason hold me in the highest regard as far as intelligence. I feel like I was lost for several years and I am finally making my way back to life. I guess this is what those soap opera coma patients feel like after waking from an almost 10 year vegetative state.
I am finding it incredibly odd that even with the ex long gone, there is never a shortage of people who only want you to feel as terrible as they do. I have heard the saying "Misery loves company", but I have never pushed my negativity on anyone else. I guess my introvertive nature has kept that at bay. Even as i put myself first most of the time now, I find myself incredibly lonely a lot of the time. Even as I have ventured back out into the world, I have no real friends to speak of. I was doing the facebook thing till I got sick of the BS that comes with it. Once close females friends are prevented from speaking to me by their husbands because they feel I am some sort of threat to them and my male friends are too busy playing with their new buddies. I guess my absence from the real world really threw me for a loop. Again, that coma patient syndrome coming into play as the world moved forward without me. I can't say that I really blame anyone, but I always thought to myself if one of my friends were in a similar situation, I would welcome them back with open arms...and I did. People i had not spoken to in over 10 years found me via facebook and I was very happy to hear from them.
I was so excited that I wanted to meet up with them and have a good long chat over coffee like the old days, but for various reasons (and excuses) nothing ever came of it. Even a friend I had who now lives in a different city not too far from me tells me that she comes to see her parents all the time. I have been back home for just under a year now and as many times as I know she has been in town, she has always made some sort of excuse for us not to meet. Needless to say after about the 8th time of her feeding me a line, I blew her off completely and discarded the friendship as lost. She never really had any intention of ever seeing me again. Maybe she just wanted some one to be happy to hear from her in her screwy life.
Other people have just flat out attacked me for no reason, even going as far as attacking me for reading books. I'll say that again. I was insulted cause I mentioned on Facebook that I was reading a book. The audacity of some people, the distance they will go to just simply hate others is dumbfounding. That same person even attacked me for going to college. Again, I discarded the friendship, taking her viciousness as her way of lashing out at people who will soon have a much better life than her. I think what pissed her off the most was that I am going to college for free.
Regardless, that is why 2 years from now I will have a decent degree and she will still be stuck in the ghetto feeding her 5 kids with food stamps while I am moving up in the world and making a decent salary.
It's been a constant struggle in my life, people always wanting me to be what they wanted me to be. My old high school teachers, parents, ex, and now even my old friends, some of them I've know for over 25 years, telling me I am an idiot for starting over and wanting to make something of myself. Well, as the song says...
Sounds like there have been a lot of changes, but you are taking steps which should lead to improvement and a better life. I hope it all goes well. Don't worry about fake 'friends', we all have people in our lives that we value more than they value us. In such situations it's best to move on, try not to let it upset us, and find other people who deserve our friendship. Unfortunately, Facebook 'friends' are not real friends, just people collecting others in order to have a high friend count and feel popular.
ReplyDelete